Toxic love is a modern take on love that equates love with
not giving any offense. And it is toxic. Instead of love, it breeds avoidance
and intolerance.
One organization committed to tolerance is refusing to tolerate any change or
even new people. Why? Because they have had irresolvable conflicts with some
members in the distant past!
But conflict is to be expected in any organization or even
any relationship. Besides, shouldn’t we even welcome conflict? Doesn’t conflict
promote growth?
Why then does this organization run from conflict? As one
board member explained, the members are too concerned about being nice.
Therefore, instead of dealing directly and honestly with conflict and
differences of opinion, their commitment to niceness and to not hurting others’
feelings has led to avoidance. Why avoidance? We avoid those situations and
relational problems we cannot resolve. This is intolerance, but a “loving”
person cannot tolerate the fact that they are intolerant.
The board member explained that instead of re-examining
their myopic understanding of love and radical tolerance, they remain secretly
defensive and intolerant of any possible threats. While, on the surface, they
remain very nice people, their membership is dwindling.
I’ve encountered the same kind of thing in the NYC Public
Schools, which made great efforts to be nice to the students. On several
occasions, I was reprimanded for giving students accurate but needed feedback.
However, the administration interpreted my words as damaging the students’
self-esteem.
I wasn’t a permanent feature there, so I was able to avoid
pursuing the required Masters in Education degree. But from what I had heard,
it was largely an instrument of indoctrination in politically correct ways to
nicely manage the classroom. However, despite the hours of additional
education, many of our NYC schools have become jungles where the number one
goal is survival and not education.
Parents also believe in being nice to their children.
Instead of requiring that they call their parents “Dad” and “Mom,” niceness has
led parents to discard the traditional titles in favor of “Bill” and “Betty.”
Children who had once been regarded as an indispensable addition to the family,
are now regarded as objects of parental self-fulfillment. And if they fail to
fulfill, then they are not fulfilling their purpose.
Training of children has given way to friendship with
children by parents who want to be nice and appreciated. As a result, they are
raising demanding monsters who have not learned respect. Is it any wonder that
Western nations now average 1½ children per family! Who can handle any more!
This “niceness” of toxic love can be noted in many areas of
Western society. Preserving niceness has become such an overriding concern that
justice suffers.
·
Four police officers, two badly, and 11 refugees
were wounded in the clash. Seven police vehicles were also damaged during the
riot that took around four hours to come under control. According to the
officials, the person who tore pages from the Holy Quran had arrived from
Afghanistan. Police took him into custody for his own safety. In other words,
they arrested the one who violated Sharia blasphemy law, not the rioters.
http://www.jihadwatch.org/2015/08/germany-refugees-riot-stone-police-over-torn-quran-15-wounded
The one who violated the “niceness code” was arrested, even
though he hadn’t broken a law. Contrary to the requirements of justice, the
rioters were not arrested.
Examples of toxic love abound. Western leaders cannot
proclaim often enough that Islam is “a religion of peace,” despite all of the
evidence to the contrary, even while their own nations are being endangered by this
deadly form of “peace.” In fact, Western niceness has gone the extra mile by labeling
anyone who doesn’t practice niceness as “Islamophobes.” Western nations have
even criminalized un-nice words, even when these words represent legitimate
warnings about terrorism.
We need to see ourselves as good, tolerant, and accepting
people, especially of people whose ways differ from ours. For this reason, we
are susceptible to revolutionary ideas promoting toxic love.
David Horowitz, a former Marxist, is now appalled by Marxism
and Marxist strategies. In particular, he cites Saul Alinsky’s Rules for Radicals:
·
The Alinsky radical has a single principle – to
take power from the Haves and give it to the Have-nots… a destructive assault
on the established order in the name of the “people.” (Barack Obama’s Rules for Revolution: The Alinsky Model)
Have these radical changes actually helped “the people?”
Well, we can’t ask the 100,000,000 who have been slaughtered in the process.
However, each one of these experiments of utopian niceness has proved to be
unsustainable nightmares.
Why then are Westerners continuing to talk about the radical
change of income redistribution and all other forms of entitlement programs?
Why haven’t they learned from the past? In The
Black Book of the American Left, David Horowitz has observed:
·
Radical commitments to justice and other social
values continue to be dominated by a moral and political double standard. The
left’s indignation seems exclusively reserved for outrages that confirm the
Marxist diagnosis of capitalist society.
Why does toxic love fail to examine itself? There is just
too much at stake. Horowitz continues:
·
This is the classic revolutionary formula…
[they] get to feel good about themselves in the process.
Feeling good about ourselves seems to trump thinking
accurately. Horowitz’s assessment is born out in many other areas.
In The Significant
Life, attorney George M. Weaver argues that our quest for self-importance,
which often takes the form of toxic love, governs our lives:
·
Individual humans are not concerned so much
about the survival of the species as they are about their personal survival or
significance. In order to push ourselves beyond our confining space-time
limits, we as individuals try to set ourselves apart from the rest of humanity.
It is unsettling to admit that one is average or ordinary – a routine person.
(7)
Jesus’ Apostles were no different. Each wanted to be
greatest in His kingdom. However, Jesus was able to perceive their toxic
motives:
·
And he said: "I tell you the truth, unless
you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of
heaven. Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in
the kingdom of heaven. (Matthew 18:3-4)
The human quest for significance seems to be unrelenting and
self-exalting. Weaver documents this quest in many ways:
·
Salvador Dali once said, “The thought of not
being recognized [is] unbearable”…Lady Gaga sings, “I live for the applause,
applause, applause…the way that you cheer and scream for me.” She adds in
another song, “yes we live for the Fame, Doin’ it for the Fame, Cuz we wanna
live the life of the rich and famous.” (7)
However, others pursue significance in ways that appear to
be opposite to niceness. Weaver writes:
·
In 2005 Joseph Stone torched a Pittsfield,
Massachusetts apartment building… After setting the blaze, Stone rescued
several tenants from the fire and was hailed as a hero. Under police
questioning, Stone admitted, however, that he set the fire and rescued the
tenants because, as summarized at trial by an assistant district attorney, he
“wanted to be noticed, he wanted to be heard, he wanted to be known.” (44)
If we cannot be nice, we can achieve feelings of goodness in
more perverse ways. On December 8, 1980,
Mark David Chapman, a zealous fan of the Beatle, John Lennon, first obtained
his idol’s autograph before gunning him down. He explained:
·
“I was an acute nobody. I had to usurp someone
else’s importance, someone else’s success. I was ‘Mr. Nobody’ until I killed the biggest
Somebody on earth.” At his 2006 parole hearing, he stated: “The result would be
that I would be famous, the result would be that my life would change and I
would receive a tremendous amount of attention, which I did receive… I was
looking for reasons to vent all that anger and confusion and low self-esteem.”
(47)
By attaching himself to someone greater, Chapman was able to
elevate himself. Was it “low self-esteem” or merely Chapman’s own way to
achieve what everyone else is trying to achieve – importance? Weaver reports
that:
·
More than two hundred people confessed in 1932
to the kidnapping and murder of the infant son of famed aviator Charles
Lindbergh. (50)
The need for importance – and this is often expressed in the
form of toxic love - is so powerful that it seems that people are willing to
pay almost any price for it. However, seeing the hopelessness of this pursuit,
some have opted for a quest for ultimate meaning. In this case, toxic love
might take the form of a moral-crusader. The UN claims: “The precious dignity
of the individual person is a central humanist value” (82-83). Even if true, is
this mission just another expression of toxic love, disguised as a nobler
quest? Toxic love’s prime concern might be looking good in the cite of others.
We can even deceive ourselves into believing that the most
horrid crimes are a spiritual duty, as Jesus explained:
·
They will put you out of the synagogue; in fact,
a time is coming when anyone who kills you will think he is offering a service
to God. (John 16:2)
We are captive to our psychical needs and will satisfy them any
way we can, even if it takes deluding ourselves. We need to believe that we are
nice people, even superior people, and will, therefore, be nice and tolerate
behaviors that we should not tolerate to convince ourselves of our niceness.
However, the root of niceness is self-righteousness and an
unwillingness to seriously look at ourselves, as the Bible repeatedly claims:
·
All a man's ways seem innocent to him, but
motives are weighed by the LORD. (Proverbs 16:2)
When we attempt to establish our worth and identity through
our performance, it is almost inevitable that we will succumb to toxicity. Why?
If we are honest with ourselves, our performance is blighted and will fail to
give us the lift from our feelings of guilt, shame, and dissatisfaction with
life. Instead, we are compelled to reach out for greater and greater toxic
infusions.
What then is the answer? It begins by receiving a gift of
significance that can only be received as a gift of righteousness from God, as
the Prophet Isaiah claimed:
·
I delight greatly in the LORD; my soul rejoices
in my God. For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a
robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest, and as a
bride adorns herself with her jewels. For as the soil makes the sprout come up
and a garden causes seeds to grow, so the Sovereign LORD will make
righteousness and praise spring up before all nations. (Isaiah 61:10-11)