MOURNING OUR MORAL FAILURES

 

Growth requires scrupulous self-examination. In The Good Life: Seeking Purpose, Meaning, and Truth in your Life, Charles Colson, a Nixon hit-man, had written that the way up is the way down by taking full responsibility for our lives and the wrongs we have committed. He wrote:

·       If we can’t accept our own failure and sin, then we can never escape it. Paradoxically, we can find the good life only when we understand we aren’t good. Denial of evil always produces tragedy, in our own lives and in the community at large. We have to understand the evil in ourselves before we can truly embrace the good in life. (33)

It is painful to encounter our evil. It makes us feel unworthy, vulnerable, and even condemned. However, once we learn how to accept ourselves, we can begin to accept others, but we face many obstacles. One set of obstacles is our beliefs, which often keep us in denial. Colson had written revealingly about his experiences in the center of the White House:

·       One of the little-remarked-on phenomena of the Nixon White House, which I believe had a great deal to do with the Watergate scandal, is that many of Nixon’s top advisers were Christian Scientists. The president’s chief of staff, Bob Haldeman, and domestic advisor, John Ehrlichman, among them…I have known people who live very decent, upright lives as Christian Scientists [CS]. Still, there’s one big flaw in their belief system—that evil is an illusion, that there is no sin or evil, that evil simply isn’t real unless we allow it to invade our minds. (32)

To exemplify the problem, Colson cites one of the CS Watergate burglars:

·       Egil Krogh, after explaining the laws he broke and the crimes of which he was found guilty, said: “But the truth is, I was never really guilty. The human experience indicated that I went through this life experience: working for Nixon, going through all that stuff…But the fundamental idea was that my innocence had never, ever been touched. To explain it clearly, honestly, and do the best I can within the human context, my innocence became clearer as I went through it. By understanding my innocence, I was able to take the steps necessary to take responsibility for my actions…My spiritual nature never changed.”

Colson understood this as a classic case of denial, a source of tragedy. However, it might be the hardest thing in the world to confront our evil. We tend to repress it and make excuses for it, mainly by blaming others for our failures and disappointments. However, this creates conflict. I’m not only talking about conflict with others but also conflict within ourselves. This is because we know the truth about ourselves, our guilt and shame, but have condemned ourselves to an endless struggle to suppress and excuse them.

However, this confrontation with our dark-side and evil deeds is the road to freedom. This is why Jesus taught, contrary to the “wisdom” of our day, that it is blessed to accept our poverty of spirit and spiritual brokenness:

·       “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied. Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.” (Matthew 5:3-8)

But how can we believe ourselves to be pure in heart as we continue to perceive the reality of our dark-side? It is only because there is complete forgiveness and cleansing in Jesus (1 John 1:9-10).

I was never able to confront my own evil. Instead, I had learned from my psychologists that I needed to believe in myself and to feed myself positive affirmations. This meant that I had to accentuate my positives and to repress my negatives. Therefore, I now construed the negatives to be as the faults of my parents and society. However, this just intensified my inner struggle and denied me of any possibility of integration and self-acceptance.

It was only as I became convinced that Jesus loved, forgave, and accepted me that I could begin to accept myself with all of my warts. Before, I could not feel at all comfortable around my dad, feeling that he didn’t accept me.

However, as I began to accept all of my warts, I no longer required anything from dad. Instead, I also began to accept him along with his failings and to appreciate him in spite of these. As a result of the peace I had found through the One who died for my sins, I no longer needed my dad to approve of me. Instead, I became freed to enjoy him for who he is.