LONELINESS AND LACK OF INTIMATE SUPPORTIVE RELATIONSHIPS

Despite the explosion of diverse ways to relate intimately, most young adults do not seem to be experiencing this:

·       A Barna-World Vision partnership that surveyed 15,000 18–35-year-olds from 25 countries around the globe—is broad agreement with two statements: “Events around the world matter to me” (77% all) and “I feel connected to people around the world” (57%). The experience of connection in one’s daily life, however, isn’t a guarantee. In fact, the vast majority of young adults feels the impact of broad, global trends more than they feel loved and supported by others close to them. https://www.barna.com/research/global-connection-isolation/

·       Just one in three 18–35-year-old respondents tells Barna they often feel deeply cared for by those around them (33%) or that someone believes in them (32%). Meanwhile, nearly one in four (23%) acknowledges encountering feelings of loneliness and isolation.

They also complain of other problems:

·       There are other signs that 18–35-year-olds are not quite at ease in the world—a main one being that they tell us so. When respondents had an opportunity to provide a portrait of their emotions, the image is one of a generation gripped by worry. Anxiety about important decisions is widespread (40%), as well as uncertainty about the future (40%), a fear of failure (40%) and a pressure to be successful (36%). Though this study alone can’t speak to actual diagnoses of mental illness, nearly three in 10 overall (28%) call themselves sad or depressed.

Psychiatrists Jacqueline Olds and Richard Schwartz cite two “major studies” in regards to the spread of loneliness. In the first:

·       “McPherson found that between 1985 and 2004, the number of people with whom the average American discussed ‘important matters’ dropped from three to two. Even more stunning, the number of people who said that there was no one with whom they discussed important matters tripled: in 2004, individuals without a single confidant now made up nearly a quarter of those surveyed” (The Lonely American, 2).

In addition to this, James Buie reported that “Depression…for those born after 1950 is as much as twenty times higher than the incidence rate for those born before 1910” (quoted from Edward Welch, Depression: A Stubborn Darkness, 113).

What has happened to us, to our families, and to our communities? What has made intimate social attachments so difficult? I’d like to suggest one simple answer. We have lost the ability to be comfortable within ourselves and, therefore, also with others. It has become harder for us to accept ourselves the way we are, warts and all. Therefore, we project and feel unaccepted and defensive in the presence of others.

From where does self-acceptance arise? The consensus points to fact that we are born to be loved. However, our families are often as dysfunctional as we are, and we are all dysfunctional, perhaps in many ways. Therefore, we are always trying to prove to both ourselves and to the world that we are lovable, worthy, and significant. This is even true of those who achieve the highest rung on the ladder. In The Significant Life, George Weaver presents President Lyndon B. Johnson as an example of the typical human being who could never simply accept himself as he is:

·       According to one commentator, “It is a curious footnote to history that long before he ran into trouble, Johnson had turned central Texas into a living monument to his heritage and his journey to the summit (the L.B.J birthplace, the L.B.J. boyhood home, the L.B.J. state park, the L.B.J. ranch and more).” (22)

Johnson had presented to the world the face of “extreme significance.” Who else would set up props which essentially say, “Look at me!” In order to affiliate with such a person, we are “required” to demonstrate acceptance of  this face. If instead, we regard Johnson as just another human being or even criticize one aspect of his façade, any further affiliation, let alone friendship, would be doomed. It is a manicured presentation that we have to buy as is.

What does it do to relationships when we are always trying to prove ourselves by presenting a façade, an inauthentic self? We become a performer, and others will eventually tire of our performance and flee.

What is our solution when we find that we are unable to accept ourselves and be transparent? I have found that as I grew in the confidence that God loves me so much that He had died for me, even when I was His enemy (Romans 5:8-10), I could begin to accept myself without the need for others to affirm me. This requires us to face our dark-side, and that can be very destabilizing. Ordinarily, we prefer to think well of ourselves:

·       All the ways of a man are pure in his own eyes, but the LORD weighs the spirit. (Proverbs 16:2)

However, in Christ, we are learning that there is something of far greater importance and even joy:

·       There are those who are clean in their own eyes but are not washed of their filth.  There are those—how lofty are their eyes, how high their eyelids lift! There are those whose teeth are swords, whose fangs are knives, to devour the poor from off the earth, the needy from among mankind. (Proverbs 30:12-14)

It is far more fulfilling to know that we are washed of our filth. It is far more conducive of friendship and intimacy if our teeth are not swords, which demean others to build ourselves up. It is far better to know that we are beloved by God so that we are equipped to pass this love on to others.

Free from the need to obsessively promote myself, I am now freer to enjoy others and look towards their needs. I also found that if I could accept myself, I could also begin to accept others as they are. I think that it is only in this climate of mutual acceptance and caring that meaningful relationships can take root. It also seems that as we have increasingly turned our back on God, we have also turned away from self-acceptance and the hope of nurturing relationships.