TOXIC SHAME

 

 

Shame is a universal feeling that characterizes humanity. It can be toxic, chronic, and life controlling, and so we must learn how to properly address it.

 

The psychologist John Bradshaw had written revealingly about the effects of toxic shame:

 

·       The internalized feeling of being flawed and defective as a human being…Shame, which should be a healthy signal of limits, becomes an overwhelming state of being, an identity if you will. Once toxically shamed, a person loses contact with his authentic self. What follows is a chronic mourning for the lost self. (Healing the Shame that Binds You)

 

Shame makes us run from ourselves in terror. We try to relegate shame into the darkness of our subconscious to it no longer can be seen. Therefore, we lose “contact with [our] authentic self.” However, in the subconscious, it can operate freely without any constraints.

 

What was Bradshaw’s solution? Positive affirmations:

 

·       Repeated positive messages are emotional nutrients…Here are the loving words you can say to your inner infant:

 

o   “Welcome to the world, I’ve been waiting for you. I’m glad you are here. I’ve prepared a special place for you to live. I like you just the way you are. I will not leave you, no matter what...”

 

 Does this strategy address the problem or simply cover it and lock the lid? I had been so toxically shamed that it was difficult to me to relate to others. There were two girls in my church who had caught my eye. However, I felt too uncomfortable to approach them. Instead, I adopted another strategy. Our church wanted people to audition for their musical. I thought that if I get lead role, even though I couldn’t even read music, I might be able to attract them. I was living in denial on a diet of positive affirmations to compensate for my toxic shame. Fortunately, I was given no role in the musical.

 

Instead, we require an accurate assessment of self if we are to live fruitfully. When turn from truth to a self-confidence built upon positive affirmations, we set ourselves up self-delusion and a massive fall:

 

·       "Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who depends on flesh for his strength and whose heart turns away from the LORD…But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him.” (Jeremiah 17:5-7)

 

We need confidence, but self-confidence comes at the price of repressing our failings and magnifying our strengths. This is self-delusion and wearing a mask.

 

The remedy is God-confidence. Without the love of the Lord, self-help books advise us how to love, forgive, and to believe in ourselves. Instead of God, self-help books abound teaching us how to love, forgive, and to baby ourselves. They even teach us how to keep a “gratefulness journal” – all God-substitutes. Instead of the relationship for which he we been designed, they offer us various forms of masturbation, self-stimulation.

We need a plumber’s snake to dislodge the shame. We are born with a moral nature and a knowledge of right and wrong. When we violate these engraved norms, an alarm goes off. However, we fail address the fire with a water hose but with denials or with inflammable coverings, like Adam and Eve who covered themselves with fig leaves. Instead, today we use positive affirmations, accomplishments, money, and PHDs, but the shame remains. The evidence? We never have enough attainments, affirmations, or PHD’s. We always need more because these coverings are never adequate. Instead, they serve as a drug requiring ever-increasing dosages. Only the forgiveness and cleansing of God can dislodge the shame:

 

·       Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy. (Proverbs 28:13; 1 John 1:9)

 

We need to be assured of the love of God, rather than a shallow practice of narcissistic self-love:

 

·       …While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God's wrath through him! For if, when we were God's enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life! (Romans 5:8-10)

 

We were designed to need food, but also the food of our Creator’s love, the ultimate shame remedy. Without His love, we seek it from diverse sources. Even the love of others only temporarily banishes the shame. Instead, this love points to a greater and more fulfilling love.

 

Self-righteousness is another garment used to cover the problem of shame. Bradshaw had observed that:

 

·       The most paradoxical aspect of neurotic shame is that it is the core motivator of the super-achieved and the underachieved, the Star and the Scapegoat, the “Righteous” and the wretched, the powerful and the pathetic. (14)

 

Self-righteous is a stealth assassin. It finds it prey among even the most religious. The Flagellants were a sect that sprang up while the Black Death was ravishing Europe. Convinced that the plague was the result of God’s wrath, the Flagellants whipped their bodies bloody to ward off God’s punishment. As they wandered through the cities of Europe, they earned praise for their sacrificial behavior. However, convinced of their spiritual superiority, they violently installed themselves in place of the priests, whom they beat and tossed out of their parishes. This is the fruit of self-righteousness.

 

Sensing correctly that there is something radically wrong within, others practice self-mutilation to temporarily feel better about themselves. They gladly pay the price to achieve a bit of stress-reduction.

 

The Doors’ Jim Morrison had another shame-reduction solution. He instead believed that it had to be saturated by self-indulgence until it fell apart, like a soggy paper towel. He was convinced that this would result in freedom and spiritual purification:

 

·       “Sensuousness and evil is an attractive image to us now…It’s like a purification ritual in the alchemical sense. First you have to have the period of disorder, chaos, returning to a primeval disaster religion. Out of that you purify the elements and find the new seed of life.” (Hungry for Heaven, Steve Turner, 96)

 

Shame kills when not properly addressed. Jesus implored the hurting to come to Him:

·       Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28–30)

 

It is in Jesus alone where I have found this rest.