BEDROCK SELF-AWARENESS

 

 

In Thoughts without a Thinker: Psychotherapy from a Buddhist Perspective, Mark Epstein, M.D. correctly argues that suffering serves to force us to confront ourselves:

 

·       According to Buddhism, it is our fear at experiencing ourselves directly that creates suffering. This has always seemed very much in keeping with Freud’s views. As Freud put it, “the patient must find the courage to direct his attention to the phenomena of his illness. His illness itself must no longer seem to him contemptible, but must become an enemy worthy of his mettle, a piece of his personality, which has solid ground for its existence and out of which things of value for his future life have to be derived. The way is thus paved for the reconciliation with the repressed material, which is coming to expression in his symptoms, while at the same time place is found for a certain tolerance for the state of being ill.”

 

I think that Epstein is correct about fearing to face ourselves, but why? Epstein, Buddhism, and modern psychology understand our denial of our true self as psychopathology. Understandably, to address it is to see it, to drag it from the unconscious into the light. However, we were the ones who had buried it in the unconscious. What must change for us to restore it? Perhaps the repressed material is too threatening.

 

From a Biblical standpoint, at its core repression is a flight from God, our moral culpability, and our deserved punishment (Romans 1:32). The rest of our repressed material is the earth we shovel back to cover the coffin. This prospect is so threatening we cannot simply tell ourselves, “I don’t believe in any of this stuff. I will just laugh at any accusations and live the way I want.” Instead, human history is the story of our attempt to further cover the coffin with attempts to prove our goodness and worthiness.

 

We should not be surprised that the religions of the world offer us alternative ways to address our unshakable sense of semi-conscious threat. As a result, some religions require us to make offerings to the many gods we might have offended. Other religions require us to live up to certain moral standards so we can reassure ourselves that “I am okay and entitled to enjoy life.” However, these offerings and virtuous acts are never enough to address the threats and our need to obsessively prove that we are good and worthy. Therefore, we remain unable to fully face and to accept ourselves for who we are.

 

This contradicts Freud’s expectation that once we become aware of what has been suppressed, the “way is thus paved for the reconciliation” of our discordant parts. However, Freud’s expectation seems to fail to engage the compelling reasons why we had repressed this material and remain in dread of it.

 

We cannot completely suppress what we have consigned to the unconscious (Romans 1:18-20; 2:14-16). As a result, we spend the rest of our lives struggling painfully to cover the coffin and to prove to ourselves and to the world that we are good and worthy. This struggle to obsessively prove our self-worth is so life-consuming that we will even kill to defend our “honor,” the image and mask we have crafted for ourselves.

 

This drama is most graphically portrayed in the account of the Fall. Adam and Eve disobeyed God and succumbed to the temptation of eating from the forbidden tree:

 

·       So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was to be desired to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate, and she also gave some to her husband who was with her, and he ate. (Genesis 3:6 ESV)

 

Then they were overcome by guilt and shame. Instead of humbling themselves to ask for God’s mercy, they decided to handle the problem themselves by sewing fig leaves together in a desperate attempt to cover their shame.

 

Today we have more sophisticated ways to cover our shame and the terror of being revealed. We give ourselves a steady diet of positive self-talk, accumulate positive affirmations from others, wear designer clothing, join the right groups, earn PHDs, other accolades, money, and power.

 

Fearing exposure, Adam and Eve then foolishly tried to hide from God, who gave them several chances to confess their sin. However, they continued to hide it through a series of deceptive half-truths:

 

·       But the Lord God called to the man and said to him, "Where are you?" And he said, "I heard the sound of you in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked, and I hid myself." He said, "Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten of the tree of which I commanded you not to eat?" The man said, "The woman whom you gave to be with me, she gave me fruit of the tree, and I ate." Then the Lord God said to the woman, "What is this that you have done?" The woman said, "The serpent deceived me, and I ate." (Genesis 3:9-13)

 

They also blame-shifted. Adam subtlety blamed God for “the woman you gave...me,” and Eve blamed the serpent. Neither confessed, “I am the guilty party.”

 

In view of their continued denial, God delivered His verdict - death and separation from God and His Garden. Nevertheless, they remained in denial. Adam named his wife “Eve,” the “mother of life” instead of the “mother of death.” Even when they were banished from the Garden, they did not offer a hint of protest. Instead, we are left with the impression that they were happy to escape the penetrating and convicting presence of God.

 

This has been the history of mankind, not just of those who have been afflicted with a form of “psychopathology.” We perceive in humankind the very same devices that Adam and Eve had used to shield themselves from the threat of God and eventually to flee from His presence.

 

Epstein and Freud understood that any effort we exert to suppress self-awareness would cause suffering, but they failed to understand the nature of the suppressed material. Therefore, they mistakenly thought that if they could just bring it to the surface where it could be resolved, and the sufferer could be freed.

 

I have met several courageous individuals who have been able to confront part of their dark side - their sins and their many devices to compensate - their arrogance and self-righteousness. I call them “courageous” and applaud them because this is a very painful but needful process. However, they fail to go to the ultimate source of their problem, the fact that they deserve the Almighty God’s righteous judgement.

 

Such an awareness is simply too terrifying, so terrifying that it causes us to hate the God and to suppress any awareness of Him. No set of exercises can correct this problem, nothing short of divine intervention. Instead:

 

·       Jesus answered him, "Truly, truly, I say to you, unless one is born again he cannot see the kingdom of God." (John 3:3)

 

Without the mercy of God, no one will perceive and come to Him. C.S. Lewis compared this to a mouse searching for a cat. It just will not happen.

 

Nevertheless, God gave a token of His mercy to Adam and Eve by replacing their useless fig leaves for a covering of animal skins, revealing to them that our deserved judgement would fall upon others. He also promised them that from the seed of the woman would come forth a man who would eventually destroy the source of evil (Genesis 3:15).

 

However, for the time being, evil would abound. Cain killed his brother Abel because God had been pleased with Abel’s offering but not Cain’s. Evidently, God’s displeasure had been an offense to Cain’s self-esteem and self-righteousness. God had even shared His wise counsel with Cain, but Cain had disregarded it.

 

Real change cannot be achieved through mindfulness meditation, psychotherapy, or through any other practice. The history of humanity testifies to this. Instead, change must come from Above:

 

·       “I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you shall be clean from all your uncleannesses, and from all your idols I will cleanse you. And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes and be careful to obey my rules.” (Ezekiel 36:25-27)

 

In contrast to this, we prefer to believe that we can become virtuous by acting virtuously. We embrace a variety of superficial answers. One of my esteemed professors likened this to re-positioning the Titanic’s deck chairs as the ship was going down. Instead, the answer has to address the core problem. We need to be reconciled with our Creator.

 

How do we know that it is this problem that underlies our attempts to avoid ourselves? Well, for one thing, this is what the Bible reveals. But what if you do not believe in the Bible? Our rebellion against God can be perceived in other ways – the way that we can detect that presence of boulders in the river by observing the ripples they create. What, then, are the ripples which our rebellion against God creates?

 

1.     We hurt and deny ourselves because we realize that we are not worthy. Self-harm or deprivation is a means to regain a sense of worthiness, even for a short time. How? By administering the punishment we know that we deserve. Why can we not simply say to ourselves, “I don’t care about proving my worthiness?” We cannot because we know that we are unworthy!

 

2.     We hate a God who we know will judge us! Why can’t we just laugh at such an “absurd idea?” Because we know that it is true!

 

3.     We find substitutes – drugs, sex, attainments, power respect, adoration, good deeds, popularity, and money - to cover over our feelings of unworthiness. Why should we even feel unworthy unless we intuit that we are liable to judgment for our sins!

 

4.     Why do these substitutes never satisfy? Why cannot we ever arrive to a resting place of peace? Because they do not address the fundamental issue of our alienation from God!

 

5.     Why do we hate self-righteous people? Because they make us feel unrighteous in comparison! For the same reason, we flee from criticism because this tells us that we are unworthy, something that we cannot tolerate. We therefore seek to surround ourselves by those who tell us good things about ourselves, and yet, we remain insatiable.

 

6.     Why has Western culture rejected its Christian roots and experience a distaste for Christians? Because we know that their presence contradicts our self-confidence!

 

7.     We have an awareness of God, as the history of humanity has emphatically demonstrated. As a result, the world religions have developed means so that we can feel worthy of God.

 

These ripples all provide evidence that we are aware of God and try to hide from Him as did Adam and Eve amid a bush. Perhaps we need to come out from our bush and ask our Creator what He wants of us! If we do this, we will find that He only wants us to become His beloved by embracing the truths of what we had long repressed.