FRIENDSHIP AND INTIMACY: THE ENDANGERED NECESSITY

 

 

A friend is offering a workshop on “friendship.” He writes:

 

• The #1 factor to a happy and long life is having deep and meaningful relationships. There is a dearth of these today, the # of close friends people have is far lower than several decades ago. Google “number of close friends dropping” and you will find many articles on the topic from various sources. Many of us are trying to combat this crisis. If you read “on the origins of totalitarianism” by Hannah Arendt, you will learn that this was the same type of scenario where the Nazis gained power - they offered friendship to lonely germans in exchange for loyalty to their ideology.

 

I largely agree with him. The absence of close and intimate friendships leaves a painful vacuum in our lives, making us vulnerable to false and malicious promises of “friendship.” However, I have reservations about my friend’s approach:

 

• How can you share who you are with others in a way that keeps you safe from harm?
•  How can you learn about others effectively to build meaningful relationships?

 

As someone who had had a hard time keeping friends and even feeling comfortable with them, I think I have something to say about friendship. As a highly self-conscious young man, I also had a hard time feeling comfortable enough with the opposite sex to approach them. I learned several one-liners to help me approach these threatening beings, but to no avail.

 

I think that far more is needed than learning techniques and even interpersonal skills. My own journey to find close friendships showed me that I first had to undergo some deep changes. I had to first needed to feel comfortable within myself before I could feel comfortable with others. I had to also become convinced that I was already beloved and therefore, lovable. As long as I didn’t feel that I was lovable, I was unable to believe that others would find me lovable.

 

I also had to believe that I was safe. However, the possibility that I might be rejected represented an unacceptable threat. Yet rejection is always a possibility. How then could I stick my neck out if I didn’t even consider myself lovable? I couldn’t! No workshops, therapy, or teachings could reach far enough within to make a difference. All of my positive affirmations also failed.

 

I tried many forms of self-help and psychotherapy, but none could even make a dent in my problem. Despite the various interventions, we continue to wear a mask to conceal ourselves.

 

Instead, it was only my growing conviction that Jesus loved me and accepted me as I am that was able to lance my impenetrable pustule and open the door to self-acceptance. Therefore, the Apostle Paul had prayed that we would come to:

 

·       know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. (Ephesians 3:19)

 

Without this certainty, any rejection was an intolerable attack on my personhood, my personal worth.