This might sound bizarre, but self-doubt is a spiritually
good thing, as long as it re-focuses our attention upon our ultimate Hope.
Let me use some examples. Faith in God never came easily to
me. Consequently, I had been convinced that I was, at best, a second-rate
Christian. I knew that I could never serve God with the assurance and vibrancy
I saw in other Christians, and I gradually lost hope.
Fortunately, I had no other place to turn but to God’s Word,
hoping to find a hope that I might have overlooked. Gradually, I found it and
became convinced of the all-sufficiency of my Savior. He proved to me that I
need not be concerned about my weaknesses and deficiencies.
This is a lesson I need to continually relearn. The Apostle
Paul had to also relearn the lesson that our weaknesses and infirmities are
needful to drive us back to the One who loves us:
·
So to keep me from becoming conceited because of
the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh,
a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three
times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said
to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in
weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that
the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am
content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For
when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12:7-10)
But I also hated myself. I never felt loved, and, in many
ways, I strove to be a person that others would love. I was also convinced that
I had to earn God’s love. When I found that I couldn’t, I lost all hope in
myself and in this distant and demanding God.
I agreed with what I had heard from others: I had to first
learn to love myself before I could love others, even God. However, I hated Him
because I felt that He hated me! Besides, I found it impossible to love myself.
My deep feelings of self-contempt always overruled my efforts.
Gradually, my incredible Savior began to reveal to me,
especially through His Word, that He loved me (Ephesians 3:19), even through my
dysfunctionality and hatred of all others:
·
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves
the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord
delivers him out of them all. (Psalm 34:18-19)
Our Lord delights in raising the lowest, most unworthy of
all people, as He revealed to Paul:
·
The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full
acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am
the foremost. But I received mercy for this reason, that in me, as the
foremost, Jesus Christ might display his perfect patience as an example to
those who were to believe in him for eternal life. (1 Timothy 1:15-16)
If He loved the least worthy, Paul, perhaps He could even
love me. I became convinced of this and began to see that life wasn’t about my
worthiness but His!
I also began to learn that I will not be able to find any
hope within myself. Everything within me is tainted by sin and its corruptive
influence, but that no longer matters, not in the slightest:
·
I have been crucified with Christ. It is no
longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the
flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. (Galatians
2:20)
Oddly, by forsaking myself and any hope I had hoped to find
in myself, I found freedom through trusting in our beloved Savior:
·
So Jesus said to the Jews who had believed him,
“If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the
truth, and the truth will set you free.” (John 8:31-32)
I am now free from trying relentlessly to prove myself
worthy. My fleshly mind always attempts to draw me back into myself—my failures
and inadequacies, and even my successes. However, I have forsaken it and find
hope in Christ’s adequacy and love alone. (Philippians 3:2-9).
No comments:
Post a Comment