I went away to college at the University of California,
Berkeley in the mid-sixties. It didn’t take me long to become a nihilist, and I
was proud of it. I had become the master of my own fate with one swift
decision! Nihilism boldly proclaimed that there is no truth, and therefore I
wasn’t bound by others’ opinions. They were cattle promoting the petty opinions
of cattle to control those who sought freedom.
Nihilism is simple. What you see is what you get, and that’s
it! If everything evolved through chance circumstances, then there isn’t a
higher design or a blueprint by which I have to live, and morality is just a
desperate, pathetic attempt to fill the void. But I assured myself that I could
face the void and out of it create my own purpose for living.
The groundwork for my endorsement of the nothingness of
nihilism had already been laid. I began seeing a psychologist at the impressionable
age of fifteen. During the course of these visits, it became apparent that my upbringing
was the reason for my internal struggles and even my values. From this analysis,
I decided that I had to free myself from its effects so that I could experience
the intrinsic joys of life. I had to shatter the eggshell that held me in my
rut. Although I had never heard of the word at that time, nihilism promised to
do this very thing. It would negate my feelings of guilt and shame, predicated
on some mythical narrative. Nihilism boldly proclaimed that there was no objective standard of judgment.
Consequently, I was “numero uno,” and no one was in a position to judge me!
The high school assemblies had made me sick. A group of smug,
self-satisfied students were routinely paraded upon the stage. A speaker would
make a few preliminary remarks about why this lineup of charlatans was worthy
of special recognition. Either they had spent weeks preparing the yearbook or
had served faithfully within the school government or had represented the
school in some event that made it look good. The students would then give a two
minute speech thanking the school and the teachers for making this revolting
awards ceremony possible.
The reason they had “sacrificed” was totally about them!
They didn’t sacrifice. Their work was merely a disingenuous ploy to elevate
themselves. Now they were able to reassure themselves that they were superior
to the “low life.”
It was a grotesque game, made even more grotesque by the
complicity of the teachers. These lackeys understandably wanted to reward those
students who made their own performance look good. There was no virtue in this!
They were merely scratching each other’s back! They were afraid to face the
truth of their own meaninglessness, and I had to sit through it!
A few months at Berkeley taught me to describe this charade,
which I had been made to endure, in a more respectable way: “the will to
power.” This was Friedrich Nietzsche’s contention. The high school had used
such assemblies to covertly exert its power over the students; the students
complied because of the recognition they received. They were the “winners,” but
there were also losers.
At first, my nihilistic insight was exhilarating! There is
no truth, just our paradigms. I was now free to invent my own paradigms. This
understanding became my “Declaration of Independence.” I was free from the
enslavement to the opinions of others, opinions that had contributed to my
negative feelings about myself. I determined that I would live according to the
truth. The truth was that there was no
truth. I was now the creator of my moral world, and that was fine with me!
Meanwhile, many at Berkeley were climbing on board the
counter-culture movement. I myself had one foot on that bandwagon. I agreed
with the movement’s radical critique of our corrupt Western culture. However, I
wasn’t going to buy into someone else’s “ism.” Let others protest for a
“better” society, or for whatever made them feel good about themselves, but I
knew the score! Whether it was demonstrating, feeding the hungry, or working on
the yearbook, it was still all about them!
There was no sacrifice involved, nor should there be. They were doing exactly
what they wanted to do. It was “will to power” pure and simple!
It seemed like the most authentic thing to do was to “eat,
drink and be merry for tomorrow I die!” Reality consisted of animal instinct
alone. Not following this instinct was to live a sanctimonious lie, trying to manipulate
others into bestowing non-existent respect in exchange for valueless actions.
However, I felt alone in my cynicism, but wasn’t this the
price that the visionary had to pay? Zarathustra was misunderstood and
rejected; Jesus was crucified; Socrates was forced to drink hemlock. Why should
it be any different for me? Yet it still hurt despite my certainty that I was
among the few enlightened ones. However, this wasn’t the main problem with my
new-found faith.
The Free Sex League was already in full throttle and its
president was in my philosophy class. She was gorgeous, and so I determined to
ask her out for a “date.” I was convinced that freedom was best actualized in
the midst of the pursuit of passion. If this was what I wanted, I should go for
it!
She seemed to have a boyfriend, but why should this pose an
obstacle? Along with virtue, sexual faithfulness was part of our antiquated evolutionary
inheritance, and there was no reason for me to remain a slave to its dictates.
I could decide which biological promptings I wanted to follow and which to
ignore, and I did. “Faithfulness” was one I’d ignore, and I convinced myself
that Cynthia (pseudonym) would do likewise.
I put together a string of one-liners for the occasion.
Armed with one of these, I’d make my approach after class. However, when the
occasion presented itself, none of them ever seemed right. Summer arrived and
with it the end of the philosophy course without my having found the much
sought after killer phrase.
I was discouraged by my failure of will, and there were many
other such failures. I’d just have to try harder. I knew it was inevitable that
I’d succeed, and eventually I did, at least superficially.
It wasn’t an enjoyable experience. Even though the woman
wasn’t contemptuous of my awkward inexperience, I was painfully self-conscious
of every thought, smell, and movement. The discomfort was so great that I
looked forward to escaping the scene of my “conquest.” The experience fell far
short of the power and freedom that I had anticipated. However, I was sure that
the fault was not in my philosophy but in me. I was just too sensitive and
inhibited. The freedom I sought was just around the corner. At least that’s
what I told myself.
This was followed by other similar “conquests.” If self-consciousness
wasn’t the problem, then it was my conscience that would deliver the kibosh. I
felt guilty for treating my “catch” like a hamburger, something to merely
sample as I moved along to the next “Big Mac.”
On one occasion, I just had to hastily abandon the hapless
woman after she had opened herself so trustingly to me. The pain I had caused
her remained with me. As strenuously as I’d exert my “will to power,” I
couldn’t rationalize the discomfort away.
These experiences threw me into a crisis of faith. Not only
had I failed to achieve the one thing I sought—pleasure—but my nihilism was beginning
to undergo a severe internal cross-examination. If I created my own reality and the concepts of guilt, shame, honor
and integrity were all arbitrary inventions, then why couldn’t I change my
feelings? Despite my repeated self-affirmation that my conscience was merely a
vestigial organ that had outlived its usefulness, I couldn’t quiet it. Besides
this, I found myself craving what I had rejected—honor and integrity.
I had found within myself a script that I couldn’t rewrite. Should
I regard the script as something my parents had written into my baby flesh? If
it was just a matter of my early programming, perhaps I should continue to try
to combat it. But perhaps it was deeper and indelibly written. Was I fighting
against my own nature? If this was the case, I was trying to move a mountain
that wouldn’t budge.
At my next institution of “higher” learning, I joined a
sensitivity group. It soon became obvious that our leader was on the prowl, and
one of the prey called him on it. He candidly admitted that he used these
groups to fulfill his sexual appetite. Both he and his wife, who was also a
professional, had chosen this lifestyle, but they also decided to “ask no
questions, tell no lies.” They would engage in their own sexual trysts but keep
them discretely hidden from each other.
During a subsequent sensitivity session, our leader
explained why they had to maintain a cloak of secrecy despite their mutual consent
to an open marriage. He had once unexpectedly returned home to find his wife
entering their sanctuary with her latest triumph. This had resulted in his two
week hospitalization on a psych ward.
Was our leader over-sensitive as I had deemed myself, or was
there something intrinsic to our human nature that set limits? Were we
murdering ourselves when we failed to live by these warning signs?
For instance, in the early seventies, I lived on several
kibbutzim. The story was always the same. Many of these collective farms had
been settled by European Jews inculcated by a severe form of socialism. They
had believed that any form of ownership was illegitimate. This included
marriage and children. Consequently, they didn’t marry and didn’t claim any
children as their own. However, this situation didn’t last. They all eventually
settled down with their own spouses and children, although the children would
return at night to sleep with their own peers in common housing.
I was coming to the conclusion that there was a compelling,
universal script. If we fail to read its lines properly, we get whacked or even
booted from the play. Rather than the nothingness of nihilism, I was finding a
somethingness with which I had to contend.
Turning back from nothingness was a relief on one level. It
had failed to deliver and cast me into depression. But rejecting it represented
a terrible defeat. It meant that I was wrong and that all those smug, mindless
high school students had been right. It also meant that instead of having stood
against smugness and superficiality; it was against my own hurting nature that
I had rebelled!
Nihilism had rejected too much. There were aspects of the
human condition that I had to accept. I was like the goldfish that jumped out
of his tank because he wanted freedom. The goldfish didn’t realize that his
freedom and well-being were maximized within the tank. Yes, his gills, fins,
and the fish-tank imposed limitations, but living without concern for these
realities imposed greater
limitations.
Freedom cannot exist without limitations. I once tried to
play a game of chess without rules. Of course, it ended suddenly without any
satisfaction. There were things I couldn’t live without. I was a goldfish who
needed a fish-tank especially designed to my nature, but what kind of tank did
this nature require?
This was a bitter pill. I had been “free,” but now I’d have
to live by the dictates of impersonal rules. But Buddhists do so without any
qualms. The Buddha had taught the necessity for right living and right
thinking, and that by violating these moral laws, we’d have to deal with the
consequences or karma. It’s similar to violating gravity. If you jump off a
building, you have to deal with the implications of the law of gravity. This
seemed reasonable.
Likewise, the psychologist Abraham Maslow talked about a
hierarchy of needs. He recognized that the most fulfilled people were those who
were sacrificing themselves in one form or another for the welfare of others. They
followed the laws of their conscience and performed acts of love. There was
nothing glorious about it, but it was better than being the goldfish flapping
on dry land. If we can obtain peace of mind by following certain moral
principles, what more can we ask for?
Nevertheless, it felt like “playing the game” all over
again. Was I going to have to work on the HS yearbook? Probably not! The laws
didn’t seem to be that specific. Nevertheless, my heart and mind had little
taste for them. These weren’t laws I wanted
to follow; but rather, laws I had to follow.
Under these circumstances, how could I feel good about doing the “right thing?”
My biology was forcing me to do it. I was performing out of duress.
I volunteered for the
West Oakland Project. This program arranged for Berkeley students to become teachers’
assistants in some of the most difficult high schools. It seemed like a
beneficial program, and I derived some satisfaction from it. But I couldn’t
shake the feeling that I was participating in a gross charade. Ostensibly, I
was traveling to Oakland
at least once a week because I cared. Did I care? I had certain feelings of
caring, but I was following these feelings out of my own need to feel good
about myself. Reluctantly, I admitted to myself that I derived some sense of
worth from the program. But I didn’t believe
in what I was doing! I was living a schizoid existence. My biologically
determined feelings were saying one thing while my intellect was baulking. My
feelings were somewhat assuaged, but my mind was left crying out for a
rationale. None of my questions had been answered—“Why live? Why build a better
society if there’s no truth or ethics?”
Somehow, I had to bring head and heart into sync. Loving
others because it made me feel good
seemed oxymoronic. Love is for the other
person, but I found that I was doing it for purely self-centered reasons. I was
split in two. My head was telling me, “You’re a hypocrite. You act in a loving
way, but it’s still all about you!” My feelings were a slave to biological
determinism. I was living morally, but only because I had to.
If morality was just a law, perhaps I should challenge it as
we do gravity. We build elevators to carry us up against its pull to the
fortieth floor. We build planes that laugh at gravity. Shouldn’t we also laugh
at morality? If morality is just a law, why should it demand my allegiance? If
arbitrary social mores are inadequate to command our loyalty, should the biological
laws of the conscience be any more authoritative? What if they are part of my
nature!
I felt like a Jew who had crept into a Nazi rally. I didn’t
belong in the West Oakland Project. I
was sure that someone would ask me what I was doing there, and my charade would
be discovered to my intense embarrassment.
That day didn’t tarry. My teacher invited me to a
Thanksgiving celebration at his home. A number of other teachers and neighbors
were present. They were all interested in the student phenomenon at the Berkeley campus. Suddenly
attention shifted to me.
“What is it that motivates the Berkeley students in their activism?”
a teacher shot at me.
“Personal need for a sense of worth and well-being,” I fired
back. I immediately realized that this wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
The teacher had been fishing for some incisive critique of our corrupt bourgeois
society. I felt uncomfortable. I feared the next question would be, “Is this
why you’re volunteering in the West Oakland
Project?” Mercifully, that question never came.
Both nihilism and the slavish obedience to a moral sense or the
biological laws of the conscience had failed me. There had to be a greater
pursuit, something to dispel the malaise. Victor Frankl, a Holocaust survivor
and psychotherapist, had noticed that without a goal, his fellow inmates
quickly deteriorated both physically and psychologically. Armed with this
perception, he tried to encourage his compatriots to adopt a goal, any goal,
which would get them through their present hell.
This might have been fine for Frankl, but I knew that I
couldn’t just invent my purpose in
life. I was able to do that as a youthful fan as I arbitrarily invested myself
in the fate of the Brooklyn Dodgers. But invention would no longer suffice; it
had to be a matter of discovery. There
had to be something real out there. Biological
survival or bodily comfort wasn’t enough to excite me. But simply wanting to find truth and meaning didn’t prove that
it existed.
Were there any indications of a transcendental reality? C.S.
Lewis talked about the correspondence between needs and fulfillments. We hunger,
and happily there is a perfect answer to our hunger—food! We thirst and there
is drink. We tire and there’s sleep. Was there perhaps also a perfect Object
for our metaphysical cravings? If so, I was convinced that it couldn’t be an
impersonal force. Gravity is a great force, but it only attracts objects
together according to one mindless formula! Impersonal forces are all stupid!
They don’t perceive and readjust. They just mindlessly continue doing the same
thing. I couldn’t devote myself to Gravity!
The Being I required had to be able to elicit my devotion
and satisfy my intellect. This Being had to be the source of all truth, love,
and peace. If only the source of truth and not love, it was robotic and
couldn’t secure my devotion. If it lacked the ability to give me peace, then it
couldn’t command my complete allegiance. I’d have to search elsewhere for my
peace. But more prosaically, this Being had to embrace my pain and alienation
and rescue me from the darkness of my confusion. This very thing He did some years
later when He rescued me from a hungry chain saw and embraced me in the midst
of a pool of blood. I was now His.
In Him, head and heart are now united. Love and justice now
feel right because they are right.
Living faithfully with our own spouse is not only intuitively correct, but it
also accords with truth. Yes, it touches our heart to see a man who has stuck
by the side of his senile wife. We sense a transcendent dignity in this.
However, if life stops at the grave, such self-sacrifice is foolish.
Last month, as I walked down a busy commercial street in my
neighborhood, I was snapped out of my reverie by a loud altercation. A burley
man was in the process of dragging a driver out of his limo. Several bystanders
were clamoring for a fight. I hastily looked around for a policeman. Not
finding one, I began to scream at the top of my lungs, “You’re under arrest.
You’re under arrest!” as I ran in their direction. The burley man fled as the
limo driver recovered and drove off.
If I had been following moral laws alone, I would have gone
in the opposite direction. The “law” of the burley male presented a greater
threat to my well-being than the law of my conscience, which would merely have
reminded me that I messed up yet once again.
God is the necessary foundation for all knowing and acting.
In Him obedience becomes both a joy and a service to Truth. Many have performed
self-sacrificial acts, but I don’t believe that they could have performed them
with the joy that David Prital, a Holocaust survivor, described.
Desperately seeking shelter in the Ukraine, Prital
encountered a Baptist in the fields. Bringing Prital home to his wife, he
declared, “God brought an important guest to our house. We should thank God for
this blessing.” They prayed and read a chapter from the Bible before their
meal. Prital later confessed, “Here it is…this is the big secret. It is this
eternal book that raised their morality to such unbelievable heights. It is
this very book that filled their hearts with love for the Jews.” (The Righteous, the Unsung Heroes of the
Holocaust, Martin Gilbert, Henry Holt and Company, NY, NY, 2004, pg. 13)
Only a personal God will do! Only the Messiah, the Savior,
can unite heart and intellect to enable us to live the life we know we aught.