PTSD, DENIAL, AND GOD

I heard something very illuminating about PTSD. It is caused by trauma, but not always the trauma that the sufferers have seen and experienced but the trauma that the sufferers had inflicted! Not only had the sufferer done horrible things during a war. He actually found that he had enjoyed it. However, such self-awareness proved so painful that it had to be denied and suppressed.

When we regard ourselves as “good” but then find that we are not good, we experience a monumental meltdown – PTSD. We might try to forgive ourselves or soften-the-blow by telling ourselves, “Many others had experienced the same thing,” this realization remains too threatening to our concept of self. It is a realization that we cannot accept – that “I am a monster.”

However, what is suppressed does not disappear. Instead, it does its dirty work in the darkness. A monster that lurks in the basement is more terrifying than a monster that we can confront. I know something about this. I too had been in denial – not about war crimes but about other things that I couldn’t face about myself. I had to always be on the right side of the argument. Therefore, I would suppress any awareness of my guilt. Of course, this interfered with my relationships. When all sides are convinced that they are right, conflicts cannot be resolved, only suppressed. However, in the darkness the unresolved continue to fester.

As with the PTSD sufferer, it was impossible to face myself. However, our defensive reactions are worse than the shame and inadequacies that we are trying to cover-up.

How do we face our dark-side and come into the light of truth and transparency? My psychotherapists had utterly failed me. Ultimately, their strategy had been the same as mine – to cover up the problem with layers of positive-affirmations and self-esteem raising techniques.

Underlying this problem of denial and suppression is the reality that we are moral beings who need to live according to our moral nature. Therefore, to do good to other is to satisfy our nature; to do evil is to violate and injure it. What, then, can we do to address the evil we have committed? The accumulated wisdom of the religions of the world argues that we need to confess our sins and make reparations.

As essential as this is, it is not enough. We are still left with the realization that we are monsters, and it is hard to live with a monster, especially if the monster is us. Consequently, even when we confess our wrongdoing, we still have our excuses and rationalizations, even if we don’t verbalize them.

In order for me to come into the light and to accept my many failings, I had to know that I was accepted, not by a psychotherapist or even by the one I had wronged, but by the One who created me and designed our moral standards. I also had to know that God loved me. For years, I had wondered if He is a sadist. That’s the way it had felt. However, after I was convinced that He had died for my sins, I became assured of His love:

·       God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Since, therefore, we have now been justified by his blood, much more shall we be saved by him from the wrath of God. For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life. (Romans 5:8-10)

I had even been God’s enemy, but, even then, Jesus died for me. Now that He has converted me into His friend, I can be even more assured that He will never let me go, even though I don’t deserve the slightest goodness from Him.

I pray that other sufferers will also come to this liberating realization.