ISOLATION, LONELINESS AND DEPRESSION

 

It is both odd and tragic that in this age of the internet, cell phones, text-messaging, and various forms of e-communications, we should still be discussing the ills of isolation and loneliness. However, despite all the outlets at our disposal to “reach-out,” the problems seem to be escalating along with the resulting depression. Psychiatrists Jacqueline Olds and Richard Schwartz cite two “major studies” in this regard. In the first:

• “McPherson found that between 1985 and 2004, the number of people with whom the average American discussed ‘important matters’ dropped from three to two. Even more stunning, the number of people who said that there was no one with whom they discussed important matters tripled: in 2004, individuals without a single confidant now made up nearly a quarter of those surveyed” (The Lonely American, 2). 

This is particularly serious because loneliness and isolation seem to provide optimal conditions for social-psychological breakdown.  Olds and Schwartz observe that, “A great many people who think of themselves as depressed have in fact a sense of isolation at the core of their feelings.” (5-6) 

Many explanations are brought forward to explain our growing isolation. Some cite America’s legendary pioneering spirit and our emphasis on self-reliance. Others suggest that loneliness is a product of our frenetic pace. However, these explanations fail to explain the recent nose-dive in levels of intimacy, since we have always been self-reliant and frenetic!  In addition to this, there is the finding of James Buie that “Depression…for those born after 1950 is as much as twenty times higher than the incidence rate for those born before 1910” (Edward Welch, Depression: A Stubborn Darkness, 113). 

What then has happened to us in recent decades? I’d like to suggest that one of the greatest culprits for this phenomenon has ironically been the cult of “self-esteem.” Welch appropriately asks: “What happens when people are raised on a steady diet of ‘You are great, you can do anything, you deserve it, you are the best’…Depression and denial are the only two options left.”

Why this dismal assessment? For one thing, we become addicted to relying upon an inflated self-esteem to get us out of bed in the morning. This means we need increasingly higher levels of the “drug” of self-esteem. It also suggests that for the self-esteem fix to work, we have to believe it. Therefore, before long, we come to believe that we are a highly superior person and, consequently, to maintain our emotional high, we deny and repress all data to the contrary. Isn’t this our natural inclination anyway?  How much easier to succeed at this when society is telling us that believing in ourselves is such an admirable goal!

What then happens to our relationships when we believe we are god-like and deny everything that contradicts us? We cease to share a common reality—a necessity for meaningful relationships. Have you ever tried to relate in a meaningful way to someone who thought he was Napoleon or Caesar?  It’s impossible! 

Consistent with the “religion” of our day, I too had convinced myself that I was a superior human being and that nothing could stop me once I made up my mind. Although it gave me a confidence and a swagger, I was paying an increasingly high price for this mental addiction. First of all, failing to assess myself correctly, I made many foolish and painful decisions. But perhaps even more importantly, I had isolated myself from others, although not purposely. On an unconscious level, I needed others to affirm what I believed about myself. When they treated me according to what they saw with their eyes, I, of course, was offended. They had failed to give me the acknowledgement I thought I deserved and had contradicted everything I was trying to tell myself. Furthermore, whenever I had a disagreement, having already denied my own culpability, I was convinced that all the blame belonged to the other guy. I was “Caesar,” and everyone else refused to recognize this fact.

It is only as I became assured that Christ loved me and would accept me forever that I was able to accept myself. It was only in the context of His love that I had the courage to face the painful truths about myself along with my self-delusions.

Now, I love to be transparent and laugh at my foibles in front of my students. They find this liberating. It enables them to set aside their mask and also laugh at themselves. One student remarked about how different and refreshing this experience is from being with someone who maintains his façade and brags about himself—something that drives people away and kills relationships.

What gives us this liberty? Knowing that we belong to the One who loves us and has died for our sins:

• I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. (Galatians 2:20)

Knowing that I no longer must carry myself on my own shoulders has been a great relief. Jesus said, "If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free" (John 8:31-32). Consequently, I have thrown away my mask and can now laugh.

 

 

 

THE ELUSIVENESS OF SELF-KNOWLEDGE

Self-knowledge is to the wise as eyes are to the race-car driver. As the driver will crash without sight, any ordinary person will eventually crash without self-knowledge.

If it is true that to manage anything well, we must first understand it, it is also true that we need to understand ourselves. If we lack the knowledge to put the gas in the gas tank and the water into the radiator, our car will soon become inoperative. Should not the same be true when it comes to managing our lives!

Many have observed that self-knowledge and self-examination are critical to our lives.

The psychologist, Carl Jung, noted that:

·       Your visions will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.”

We might even add to Jung’s observations that we will not be able to understand others, their motivations and actions, until we first understand our own. Consequently, we have to look inward.

This is the message of most world religions. The Book of Proverbs exalts wisdom and self-examination:

·       The purpose in a man’s heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out. Many a man proclaims his own steadfast love, but a faithful man who can find? (Proverbs 20:5-6)

Proverbs hints at the main problem of self-knowledge. We really don’t want it. We would rather think thoughts that are comforting like, “I am a wonderful person.”

In “Stillness Speaks,” mystic and New Age Guru, Eckhart Tolle, suggests that wisdom and self-knowledge merely through stillness and self-observation:

·       Wisdom comes with the ability to be still. Just look and just listen. No more is needed. Being still, looking, and listening activates the non-conceptual intelligence within you. Let stillness direct your words and actions.

However, it seems that far more is necessary. Many of our pundits have commented on the difficulties of acquiring self-knowledge:

·       If most of us remain ignorant of ourselves, it is because self-knowledge is painful and we prefer the pleasures of illusion. (The Perennial Philosophy, Aldous Huxley (1894-1963))

·       There are three things extremely hard: steel, a diamond, and to know one's self. (Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790) American statesman, scientist and philosopher)

·       Make it thy business to know thyself, which is the most difficult lesson in the world. (Miguel de Cervantes)

·       Other men's sins are before our eyes; our own are behind our backs. (Roman philosopher Seneca (4 BC-65))

Why do we run from self-knowledge? It is just overwhelmingly painful:

·       Unless we can bear self-mortification, we shall not be able to carry self-examination to the necessary painful lengths. Without humility there can be no illuminating self-knowledge. (“A Study of History,” Arnold Toynbee)

As many point out, true self-knowledge is humbling. However, with this humbling process, there can be no illumination.

As a result, many psychologists have observed that normalcy is self-delusion. One representative study reported:

·       “In one study of nearly a million high school seniors, 70 percent said they had “above average leadership skills, but only 2 percent felt their leadership skills were below average.” Another study found that 94 percent of college professors think they do above average work. And in another study, ‘when doctors diagnosed their patients as having pneumonia, predictions made with 88 percent confidence turned out to be right only 20 percent of the time.’” (Abcnews.go.com;; “Self-images Often Erroneously Inflated,” 11/9/05)

There findings are pervasive. In “Positive Illusions,” psychologist Shelley Taylor sums up the evidence:

·       “Normal people exaggerate how competent and well liked they are. Depressed people do not. Normal people remember their past behavior with a rosy glow. Depressed people are more even-handed…On virtually every point on which normal people show enhanced self-regard, illusions of control, and unrealistic visions of the future, depressed people fail to show the same biases.” (214)

Perhaps pain isn’t so bad? Perhaps it’s even necessary! Sadly, once the psychological torment passes, these aggressive tumors return.  Taylor confesses:

·       “When depressed people are no longer depressed, they show the same self-enhancing biases and illusions as non-depressed people.” (p.223)

This demonstrates that these “self-enhancing biases and illusions” are entirely human and serve to explain why we flee from self-knowledge. We are simply addicted to the pleasure of having and inflated self-esteem.

But is this addiction harmful? Taylor and others believe that an inflated self-esteem is necessary to get us going in the morning. But doesn’t this addiction also exact a high price?

Psychologist Roy Baumeister has extensively researched the relationship between high self-esteem and performance:

·       For three decades, I and many other psychologists viewed self-esteem as our profession’s Holy Grail: a psychological trait that would soothe most of individuals’ and society’s woes. We thought that high self-esteem would impart not only success, health, happiness, and prosperity to the people who possessed it, but also stronger marriages, higher employment, and greater educational attainment in the communities that supported it. (http://imaginefirestone.org/wp-content/uploads/2010/02/RethinkingSelf-Esteem.pdf)

• Recently, though, several close analyses of the accumulated research have shaken many psychologists’ faith in self-esteem. My colleagues and I were commissioned to conduct one of these studies by the American Psychological Society, an organization devoted to psychological research. These studies show not only that self-esteem fails to accomplish what we had hoped, but also that it can backfire and contribute to some of the very problems it was thought to thwart. Social sector organizations should therefore reconsider whether they want to dedicate their scarce resources to cultivating self-esteem. In my view, there are other traits, like self-control, that hold much more promise.

An inflated self-esteem is also associated with arrogance, lack of humility, self-righteousness, and also heightened relational problems. How then to break this addiction?

First of all, we need to become aware of the heightened price we are paying for our self-delusions. This can only come through suffering. However, more than suffering is needed. As Taylor had written, once the pain passes, so too does an accurate assessment of ourselves.

I found that facing my weaknesses, inabilities, and failures is so painful that I had to run from them, even after the intervention of five highly recommended psychologists. Instead, it was only through the love, forgiveness, and assurances of Jesus my Savior that I could begin to endure the truth.

People will kill when they are dishonored. This should give us some appreciation of how tenaciously we cling to our honor and high self-regard. Jesus had to show me that there was something better than my distorted self-appraisal. He showed me that I would do far better by living for Him than for myself.

I am still pained to see myself as I truly am. However, He reassures me that it is no longer about me but Him:

·       I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. (Galatians 2:20)

May He always remain first in my life!

My Story

As a first grader, I would sneak into my bed at night, clasp my hands together, recite the Lord’s Prayer, the 23^rd Psalm, and pray in Jesus’ name, just as I had learned in public school. I had received some incredible prayer answers, but when I was eight, I learned that I was being Jewish meant and that Jews aren’t supposed to do such things. Unfortunately, I put my ethnicity above my childlike understanding of a God who answered my prayers, and thus quit praying. This one decision condemned me to a life of sorrow, loneliness, and nihilism.

In fact, I became defiant of anything “Christian”. During Christmas school concerts, I would stand alongside my classmates, arms folded, refusing to sing the Carols.  Even my younger brother would taunt me by waving a red ‘45’ of Silent Night in my face. I was convinced that it should have no place in our Jewish home and repeatedly tried to find and destroy it.

At the time of my Bar Mitzvah, my father took me to the synagogue to see the rabbi. We passed a room where a minion of men were davening (praying).   Strangely drawn, I longed to join them but dared not say anything to my father.

I also became well-acquainted with anti-Semitism and its bullying during Junior High. I couldn’t fight every anti-Semite, but I could hate them, and that’s just what I did. The hatred then exploded into disgust for the surrounding “Christian society,” so much so that I sensed that the Gentiles had a repugnant odor.

In 1967, I was a confused and vulnerable student at UC Berkeley, where I ingested a lot of radical talk. But it was also the time of the Six-Day War.  Divergent reports were coming from Israel and the Arab world, which claimed that they were at the point of crushing Israel. Finally, it was confirmed – Israel had crushed the combined air and ground forces of the attacking nations.  A sigh of relief went up from the Jewish students, who then returned to their classes, but I remained crying with head covered.

I became a committed Zionist and left for Israel with a one-way ticket where I lived for two years. Israel became my reason-for-being, but this was where my search for God began. My five highly recommended psychotherapists had utterly failed to make a dent in my chronic depression. Meditation never worked, and no other self-help possibilities were in sight. That left God. Whenever I heard about a Jew who had a relationship with God, I pursued him with a series of questions. Finally, one friend suggested that I visit Kfar Chabod (Lubavitcher Hasidism), where I stayed for a week, asking my array of questions, but never receiving satisfying answers.

One evening while at Kfar Chabod, a young American Jewish man approached me:

·       “Daniel, last year, I was right where you are now. But there’s a Tzaddik (the holiest of rabbis) in Tel Aviv, who can demonstrate to you, beyond a doubt, that the Tanach (the Hebrew Scriptures) is the Word of God!”

The next evening, we were in Tel Aviv, where my friend had arranged a private consultation with the Tzaddik. At first, he studied me intently with his penetrating, deeply set eyes. Then, he began shaking his head: “You are not ready to study Torah. There is too much confusion and tension in your life. Go find yourself a good Jewish community to live in. Follow their program and come back in a few months, and we’ll talk again.”

“Talk?” I hadn’t even opened my mouth up, and he had already pronounced judgment! Essentially, he was saying that I had to first get my life together, before God could be of any use to me. But this was why I had come to him! I couldn’t get my life together! God seemed to be my only hope, but the Tzaddik was telling me that God couldn’t help me unless I first helped myself. I left feeling rejected by life itself. However, in my heart-of-hearts, I knew he was right. Somehow I was a looser.

What a contrast with the God of Scripture who has proved His words to me:

• Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light. (Matthew 11:28-30)

Several years later, after trying various Kibbutzim, I returned to the States, with a wife and infant daughter. We found an Appalachian hill farm at the end of a dead-end road, hoping that if we’d live in harmony with nature, we would experience the peace of nature. One day, after my wife went to town, I had a life-threatening chainsaw injury. Through my clumsiness, the chainsaw bucked back and struck me in the head. In terror, I lifted my hands to my skull to see if it was still in one piece, or if I would have to push my brains back into my head. When I lifted my hands, I saw that one of my hands was hanging half off with the blood squirting out like a fire hose.

Laying in a pool of blood, thinking that any moment would be my last, having lost so much blood, I suddenly realized that I wasn’t alone. I knew that God was with me, and I was filled with intense feelings of love, ecstasy, and peace. I knew that God loved me and that He’d protect me. Even if I died, I would still be with Him forever. After a miraculous rescue, this experience prompted me to search for Him, whoever He might be, but the last place I had wanted to look was Christianity. I had been interested in God, but He had to conform to my specifications. Now I was willing to encounter Him on His own terms.

But perhaps this “encounter” was just the product of having lost so much blood in the midst of a NDE. However, I knew otherwise. Ten years earlier, while I was studying for my finals in my freshman year at UC Berkeley, I put my exhausted head down in my hands and closed my eyes. Some minutes later, when I lifted my head, it seemed that everything was different. I was filled with the same ecstatic love, joy and peace. I even loved myself, but I had no awareness of the presence of God.

As hard as I tried to hold on to this mysterious visitation, I couldn’t. I had been intensely interested in the occult - mind-over-matter. But the occult was clearly about learning techniques and rituals in order to plug-in. However, I had done absolutely nothing to bring about this experience! It came from nowhere, and it didn’t seem to lead anywhere. It just left me with a profound sense that there was something out there far greater than the occult, but I was clueless about what it was.

Four years later, I was on a train, traveling from the north – Nahariya to Tel Aviv. I was reading a story in the Jerusalem Post about a Californian who had an encounter with God. In response, he built a boat and brought his entire family to Israel. They had just arrived in the port town of Haifa that day, after a two year voyage. However, he had entered illegally and was being held in the Coast Guard area until a determination could be made about his entering Israel.

Meanwhile, passing through Haifa, I decided that I had to find out how he could be so certain that his God had called him to Israel to spread his Jesus drivel. Initially, I was told that I wouldn’t be able to see Mr. Harrison (I don’t remember his name.) because the Coast Guard area was off-limits to civilians. However, amazingly, I found the station-master, and he called the Coast Guard and got approval for my unusual request.

I spent the afternoon with Harrison on his boat, as his wife and five little blond-haired children walked the wharf. I asked him a series of question, mainly concerning how he could be sure about God and His will. However, he would merely answer me with Scripture. I complained, “You’re wasting time quoting Scripture. I don’t believe it, and therefore it’s meaningless to me,” but it seemed that that was all he was able to do.

After it got dark, I arose to leave. He asked if he could pray with me. I acquiesced. He had kindly spent hours fielding my critical questions. This was the least I could do. Afterwards, I walked off into Haifa’s night, not knowing where I’d spend the night, but I soon realized it didn’t matter. I was once again in ecstasy by the strange visitation.  Each stranger’s face became an object of intense love, so much so that I had to lower my head, lest the passers-by would see my tears. Every flower had a message, every street a story to tell. Everything pulsated with life!

What had happened to me? Well, it seemed that it had something to do with my meeting Mr. Harrison. Perhaps his enthusiasm had gotten to me? However, never once did I connect this encounter with his prayer. I had thought that I was a truth-seeker, but my search boundaries were very confined.

Six years later, I was once again overtaken by the same experience, while my blood generously flowed, but this time there was one significant difference. I was left with no doubt about my Benefactor. I knew that it was about a God, who had been mysteriously wooing me for years, but I had not been aware of it.

Why did He wait so long to reveal Himself? Why does the fisherman allow his catch to tire itself before reeling it in? Perhaps I first had to exhaust every other possibility and to spend all of my reserves on false hopes? Perhaps only in a prostrate position would I accept what I had always regarded as abhorrent?

The chainsaw encounter alone didn’t bring me to a faith in Christ, but just an uncomfortable feeling that the One whom I had always detested, was involved. This threatened my Jewish identity. I had held Christianity in utter contempt. Too many Jews had been killed in the name of Jesus.

However, my bloody chainsaw encounter brought me to the point of crying out to my, as yet, unknown Benefactor: “I don’t care who You are. I just want to know the truth about You!” And I meant it! I knew that there was nothing more important than to find out His identity, whatever that identity might be.

I was convalescing in the hospital for four days. Meanwhile, the people who had rescued brought me books to read. They were very elementary, but they talked about an all-powerful God of love and forgiveness who intervened in our lives. The conviction that my Benefactor was Christ began to grow. I resisted this awareness, but I had made a vow. For the first time in my life, I was determined to know the truth, even if it would cost me my strongly held identity.

However, faith did not come easily. I was100% skeptic! While I would experience a joy in believing, I would then tell myself:

• This is ridiculous. How can I believe that somebody died on the cross, and magically, God loves me?

I needed more. I joined a home fellowship group where they were studying messianic prophecy. While I found some of the material convincing and even satisfying, the skeptic in me continued to say “no.”

I cannot say when exactly I came to faith. It was a slow and arduous process. The old leaven had to be burned away. God humbled me exceedingly so that I could receive His Word and blessings (1 Peter 5:6).

Now, 40 years later, I can say as David did:

• It is good for me that I was afflicted, that I might learn your statutes. (Psalm 119:71)

Never would I have believed that, one day, I would be ministering a Message that I had once despised.

THE HOOKUP CULTURE PROVES A GIANT LET-DOWN

Sociologist Gail Dines writes that modern sexual practice is anything but liberating, especially for the female:

·       One study of college students found that of the female students who experienced “unwanted intercourse,” 78 percent of occurrences took place during a hookup. This makes sense when we think about the lack of clear boundaries set up during a hookup, further blurred by alcohol consumption. In an ongoing relationship, couples can discuss and negotiate sexual boundaries as the relationship develops, but in a hookup, there will typically be little discussion. Talking or establishing boundaries is not what hookups are about. How could they be? Boundaries are like strings, and hookups are famous for having “no strings attached.”

Few consider the costs:

·       Studies have also found that women who participate in hookups have a higher risk of getting an STI and are more susceptible to low self-esteem and depression. It is not clear whether these women seek hookup sex because they are depressed and have low self-esteem or if these conditions are consequences of hookups. The truth is probably that both are applicable to different people, but neither scenario places hookup sex in a particularly good light. 

Women are particularly vulnerable:

·       Whereas women hope that the hookup evolves into a relationship, not so for the men. Many of the male college students interviewed by sociologist Kathleen Bogle for her book Hooking Up: Sex, Dating, and Relationships on Campus “preferred to hook up with no strings attached.” Indeed, one of the men interviewed by Bogle said he saw hookup culture as a “guy’s paradise.”

Where are the feminists when we need them? Why aren’t they sounding the alarm?