GAY DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

What is natural is healthy. What is unnatural can prove very costly:

·       After conducting an extensive study on homosexual behavior, the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) reports that those involved in such lifestyles experience a far greater amount of violence from one another than those in heterosexual relationships.

·       CDC’s National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey is a first-of-its-kind study geared to determine the difference between the victimization of men and women by sexual orientation. The results show that men and women involved in homosexual behavior undergo much higher rates of sexual violence than men and women who are heterosexual.

·       Surprising to many, homosexual women experience more violence than men. According to the study, a whopping 44 percent of lesbians were either raped, experienced physical abuse, and/or were stalked by their intimate partners during their lifetime. Even more shockingly, 61 percent of bisexual women endured such violence from their partners.

·       It is also reported that 37 percent of bisexual women indicated they were stalked, which is more than double the rate that heterosexual women experience from their male partners. Furthermore, the CDC found that 37 percent of bisexual women were injured during the rape, physical violence, and/or stalking that they experienced at the hands of their sexual partners.

·       Tragically, 48 percent of bisexual women who reported that they were raped said that their first experience of being raped occurred when they were adolescents between the ages of 11 and 17.

·       The research also shows that 26 percent of homosexual men experienced rape, physical violence and/or stalking by their intimate partners. It’s even higher for bisexual men, who experience these types of assaults at a rate of 37 percent.

In light of these monumental costs and many others that had already been widely made known – suicide, depression, substance abuse, STDs, and abbreviated lives – why does the West continue to celebrate this lifestyle and diminish, and even destroy, anyone who speaks against it? Why are the enablers lauded and the non-enablers totally discredited as “homophobes?”

The Logic and Lessons of Cohabitation

Cohabitation – sometimes termed “trial marriage” - is the new and undisputed norm. NPR writes:

• Today, more than 65 percent of first marriages start out that way. Fifty years ago, it was closer to 10 percent.

• Cohabitation before marriage, once frowned upon, is now almost a rite of passage, especially for the millennial generation. Young adults born after 1980 are more likely to cohabit than any previous generation was at the same stage of life, according to the Pew Research Center. With more than 8 million couples currently cohabiting, it is obviously a living arrangement with appeal — but it is also one with unique challenges.

The logic for cohabitation goes like this:

• Marriage is difficult. Most end in divorce. It therefore makes sense to first live together to test for compatibility.

On the surface, this makes sense, but the findings indicate otherwise:

• The research on whether cohabitation increases the risk of divorce is still being debated, but Rhoades and her colleagues have found that couples who move in together before getting engaged or committed to marry are a little more likely to have lower-quality marriages. 

In fact, the stats are frankly forbidding:

• [Trial marriage] provides some but not all of the same emotional benefits of marriage, yet only for a short time and at a high price. Breaking up with a live-in lover carries many of the same emotional costs as divorce but happens far more frequently. People who are cohabitating are less happy generally than the married and are less satisfied with their sex lives. In America, long-term cohabiting relationships are far rarer than successful marriages. (The Case for Marriage, Linda Waite & Maggie Gallagher, 74)

• One in ten survives five or more years…The divorce rate among those who cohabit prior to marriage is nearly double (39% vs. 21%) that of couples who marry without prior co-habitation.

• “Men in cohabiting relationships are four times more likely to be unfaithful…Depression is three times more likely…The poverty rate among children of cohabiting couples is five-fold greater…and 90% more likely to have a low GPA…Abuse of children is 20 times higher in cohabiting biological-parent families; and 33 times higher when the mother is cohabiting with a boyfriend.”

• “Cohabitation is bad for men, worse for women, and horrible for children. It is a deadly toxin to marriage, family, and culture.” 

• Spanish statistics, which have been highlighted in recent years by Europe’s Family Policy Institute (FPI), and recently reported by the Spanish Newspaper ABC, indicate that while only 11% of Spanish couples cohabit without marriage, such unions account for 58% of the most violent crimes between couples. For every one protection order issued for a married couple, ten are issued for cohabiting couples. (LifeSiteNews.com)

How do we explain this? Why are “untried” marriages more successful than trial marriages? Perhaps it has to do with the way we regard marriage. Do we regard it pragmatically (whether or not it works for me) or principally (my commitment to my family is more important than pragmatic considerations). The pragmatic approach is me-centered, while the principled approach is other-centered.

Perhaps we need to understand that our lives are about more than ourselves and our pleasures. Perhaps instead, life paradoxically works better when we are other-centered, even God centered, and when we are not primarily focused on what I can get out of it.

This is the logic of Jesus:

• But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. (Matthew 6:33)

It seems to be superior to the “logic” of cohabitation.

As Traditional Marriage Falters, so Do the Children

Katie Roiphe, professor at the Arthur L. Carter Journalism Institute at New York University, writes approvingly about the death of traditional marriage:

• What would it mean to end the centuries-long American fixation on traditional family structures? Would we be able to look at families living outside of convention without as much judgment, as much toxic condescension?

• If we woke up one morning and discovered that in America marriage was suddenly regarded as a choice, a way, a possibility, but not a definite and essential phase of life, think how many people would suddenly be living above board, think of the stress removed, the pressures lifted, the stigmas dissolving. Think how many people living unhappily would see their way to living less unhappily.

• Whatever one thinks about the institution, the truth is that marriage is increasingly not the way Americans are living. If one goes strictly by the facts—that the majority of babies born to women under 30 are born to single mothers, or that about 51 percent of American adults are married—one has to admit that marriage can’t be taken for granted, assumed as a rite of passage, a towering symbol of our way of life. 

Roiphe might be right about these stats, but are they something to celebrate? Should the children born to unwed mothers be pleased that they represent a radical departure from what had long been considered the norm? Not according to the stats! In The Case for Marriage, Linda Waite & Maggie Gallagher assembled these findings:

• DOMESTIC VIOLENCE: “A large body of research shows that marriage is much less dangerous for women than cohabitors…1987-88 National Survey of Families and Households: married people are much less likely than cohabiting couples to say that arguments between them and their partners had become physical in the past year (4% of married people compared to 13% of the cohabiting).” (155) “Cohabiting women are 8 times as likely as to be unfaithful than married women.” (157)

• CHILD ABUSE: “A preschooler living with one biological parent and one step-parent was forty times more likely to be sexually abused than one living with two natural parents.” (159).

Interestingly, many talk approvingly of the “wisdom” of cohabitation as a means to test future compatibility. The New Oxford Review also reports that,

• “One in ten survives five or more years…The divorce rate among those who cohabit prior to marriage is nearly double (39% vs. 21%) that of couples who marry without prior cohabitation.”

• “Men in cohabiting relationships are four times more likely to be unfaithful…Depression is three times more likely…The poverty rate among children of cohabiting couples is five-fold greater…and 90% more likely to have a low GPA…Abuse of children is 20 times higher in cohabiting biological-parent families; and 33 times higher when the mother is cohabiting with a boyfriend.”

• “Cohabitation is bad for men, worse for women, and horrible for children. It is a deadly toxin to marriage, family, and culture.”

We have been led to believe that cohabitation provides a greater measure of protection for the spouse and for abused children. It is argued that the mother can more easily remove herself from an abusive situation if there isn’t a legally binding marriage. However, the statistics demonstrate the very opposite thing:

• Spanish statistics, which have been highlighted in recent years by Europe’s Family Policy Institute (FPI), and recently reported by the Spanish Newspaper ABC, indicate that while only 11% of Spanish couples cohabit without marriage, such unions account for 58% of the most violent crimes between couples. For every one protection order issued for a married couple, ten are issued for cohabiting couples. (LifeSiteNews.com)

Clearly, marriage is not an institution to be manipulated according to our tastes and desires. According to Jesus, it is a sacred union ordained by God:

• "Haven't you read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,' and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate." (Matthew 19:4-6)

 

Treatment of Wives: Koran vs. New Testament

Here is my response to a Christian-Basher:

You have mistakenly charged that Islam’s teachings about wives and women are similar to the Bible’s teachings. So bear with me as I make some comparisons between the Koran and the New Testament. I’ll cite the Koran first and follow it with NT teachings:

[Surah 2.223] Your wives are a tilth [cultivated field] for you, so go into your tilth when you like, and do good beforehand for yourselves…

In the Koran, the male’s needs are supreme. The wife must service her husband on demand. Instead, the NT teaches equality and mutuality:

o       1 Cor. 7:3-5:  The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer.

   

[Surah 2.228] And the divorced women should keep themselves in waiting for three courses; and it is not lawful for them that they should conceal what Allah has created in their wombs, if they believe in Allah and the last day; and their husbands have a better right to take them back in the meanwhile if they wish for reconciliation; and they have rights similar to those against them in a just manner, and the men are a degree above them, and Allah is Mighty, Wise.

In the Koran, men have more value and rights than women. However, in the NT, both are of equal value:

·        Galatians 3:28: There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.

o       Ephes. 5:31 "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh."

   

[Surah 2.282] …call in to witness from among your men two witnesses; but if there are not two men, then one man and two women from among those whom you choose to be witnesses…

The court testimony of a man is equal to two women. In the NT, there is no distinction:

·        1 Cor. 11:11: In the Lord, however, woman is not independent of man, nor is man independent of woman.

    

[Surah 4:34] Men are in charge of women, because Allah hath made the one of them to excel the other, and because they spend of their property (for the support of women). So good women are the obedient, guarding in secret that which Allah hath guarded. As for those from whom ye fear rebellion, admonish them and banish them to beds apart, and scourge them…

The Bible never counsels a husband to beat or physically abuse his wife. Instead:

   

o       1 Peter 3:7: Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.

·        Col. 3:19: Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.

·        Ephes. 5:28-33: In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church… However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Here is a video of a Muslim cleric teaching wife beating: http://atlasshrugs2000.typepad.com/atlas_shrugs/2007/01/islam_beating_w.html

Our Glorious Savior: A Testimony

Often, I am challenged to present evidence for the existence of God and our Savior Jesus. I usually offer rational evidences. However, for many, this evidence is no more than a collection of words. However, there is evidence that comes closer to where many live. The following account comes from one of my students – a woman whose testimony I fully trust:

In my early 20s was a street hustler, I prostituted, did drugs and hung out in clubs throughout Manhattan. I had 3 children and after many years of living that life I decided to settle down with anyone just because it seemed normal and all my friends were doing it. I lived with guy who I didn’t love. He was very abusive to my older children and they were confined to their bedroom most of the day.

My youngest child was born with a hearing deficiency which meant he suffered from tunnel hearing which in turn meant that he spoke with a speech impediment. At the age of two his words were “baba” for milk and “nana” for his brother and mostly what most people would call gibberish. So it was hard to understand him, he would point to whatever he wanted and cry out of frustration because we really couldn’t understand him. I took him to specialist to see what they could do, and surgery was one option, but for a later age. For now, speech therapy was offered.

I became deeply depressed and often found myself crying  not only because of my youngest but mostly because I was living with a man I didn’t love and he abused my other kids, how was I going to get away from him without violence. He would always threaten someone in front of me and tell me stories of how he stabbed someone and it made me very afraid for my children and me. I had no way out of this relationship without some sort of violence, no family member who would help because in front of the world he was the nicest and sweetest man around, always helpful and kind but behind closed doors he would turn into a monster full of power and bringing up anything as a excuse to punish my kids or start a fight with me.

I felt desperate, I needed a way out without it becoming violent, and so I came up with a plan. I decided to kill my children and commit suicide. Since he had to leave for work early in the morning, I thought I would close all the windows and put the burners on without flame. I wanted the whole apartment to be full of gas so we would be consumed and just asleep, forever. No more pain, no more suffering, I decided the next morning is the day. The next day comes he goes off to work and I start on my plan. I close the windows and put on the burners. I go to the bathroom so I could think and plan how I was going to make sure the older ones wouldn’t go into the kitchen and if the gas doesn’t work what else would I do. While in the bathroom my 2 year old comes in and stands in front of me and says “don’t worry mommy Jesus loves us!”

My mouth dropped open. This is the child that couldn’t speak clearly. This is my baby who couldn’t hear, and he clearly said these words. I knew then that God had heard my cries for help. I couldn’t control myself. I cried and hugged him and ran into the kitchen to open the windows and shut off the stove. I went into the bedroom with my children and started to play, and for the first time I really saw them as a gift from God.

I was praying silently and of course tears streaming I began to thank Him and knew then that he would send me help to get out of this situation, and He did, but that's another story.