Our Relationships: Why they Fail and why they Succeed

What does it take to maintain a thriving relationship or marriage? Several websites contain quotations identifying many essential ingredients. Some quotes emphasized sacrificial effort:

• “The difference between an ordinary marriage and an extraordinary marriage is in giving just a little ‘extra’ every day, as often as possible, for as long as we both shall live.”

• “A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.”

• “The greatest marriages are built on teamwork. A mutual respect, a healthy dose of admiration, and a never-ending portion of love and grace.”

• “A great marriage isn’t something that just happens; it’s something that must be created.”

• ‎”No one can go back and change how it started but a new future for any marriage can begin the moment one person begins to invest in it.”

Similarly, others emphasized commitment and acceptance:

• “Once we figured out that we could not change each other, we became free to celebrate ourselves as we are.”

• “A long-lasting marriage is built by two people who believe in -and live by- the solemn promise they made.”

• “Marriage is a commitment- a decision to do, all through life, that which will express your love for one’s spouse.”

• “A happy marriage doesn’t mean you have a perfect spouse or a perfect marriage. It simply means you’ve chosen to look beyond the imperfections in both.”

Other sayings emphasized the importance of forgiveness:

• “A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.”

• “Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit.”

• “To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”

• “A successful marriage isn’t the union of two perfect people. It’s that of two imperfect people who have learned the value of forgiveness and grace.”

Forgiveness is so critical. When one partner refuses to forgive, bitterness and disappointment reign, and these undermine a relationship at its foundation. Curiously, though, I didn’t see any quotes stressing apologies - confession of wrongdoing. Without these, there cannot be any real healing or reconciliation. I can forgive my wife in my heart, but the pain, disappointment, and resentment might remain until there is a genuine humbling to admit the wrongdoing.

I think that real apologies have become a dying breed, and, along with them, real reconciliation. Why? I think that there are many reasons:

Admitting that we are at fault is difficult. Too often, our sense of self – our self-esteem – depends on being right. When we get into a fight, we are inclined to blame the other. This is easier to do than to take the blame upon ourselves.

We are taught to believe in ourselves. However, in order to believe in ourselves, we have to think good things about ourselves and to deny the negative – our wrongdoing.

However, I have found that the more highly I esteem myself, the less I will esteem others and my wife. The less I esteem myself, the more I esteem my wife and am grateful to have such a woman, despite her failings.

We believe that we should be easy on ourselves. This means that we shouldn’t hold ourselves to a high and scrupulous moral standard.

This too is problematic. For example, if my wife tells me, “You are speaking harshly to me,” but I respond, “Well, you’re just too demanding of me,” we will not be reconciled. Her hurt feelings and my guilt feelings remain. Besides, we will continue to obsess about how right we both are! Instead, reconciliation requires humble and sincere confession.

If, instead of apologizing, I take my wife out to dinner and buy her a new dress, this will fail to penetrate to the place of the hurt. In fact, all of the other things that go into making a good relationship – respect, commitment, and devotion – will also fail to address the source of the problem.

It is interesting to find that the problems we encounter in our relationships serve as a reflection of the problems with have with our Primary relationship. Serving God entails commitment, respect, and hard work, but even more fundamentally, it requires us to confess our sins. Repeatedly, God instructs us to take a careful moral inventory in regards to Him:

• “Return, faithless Israel, declares the Lord. I will not look on you in anger, for I am merciful, declares the Lord; I will not be angry forever. Only acknowledge your guilt, that you rebelled against the Lord your God and scattered your favors among foreigners under every green tree, and that you have not obeyed my voice.” (Jeremiah 3:12-13)

God doesn’t require that Israel first pay Him a great sum of money or make exhaustive sacrifices before He will forgive them. Instead, He asks for one thing – acknowledgment of their guilt.

In the end, when Yahweh pours out His Spirit upon Israel, the result will be a mourning over their sins:

• “And I will pour out on the house of David and the inhabitants of Jerusalem a spirit of grace and pleas for mercy, so that, when they look on me, on him [Jesus] whom they have pierced, they shall mourn for him, as one mourns for an only child, and weep bitterly over him, as one weeps over a firstborn.” (Zechariah 12:10)

From contrition will come forgiveness and restoration. The great prayers of the Bible reflect an understanding of this principle – that confession must precede reconciliation (1 Kings 8; Dan. 9). Where there is a refusal to confess sins, there is also an absence of mercy.

In the end, God will unilaterally restore and transform Israel:

• I will take you from the nations and gather you from all the countries and bring you into your own land. I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you shall be clean from all your uncleannesses, and from all your idols I will cleanse you. And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes and be careful to obey my rules. You shall dwell in the land that I gave to your fathers, and you shall be my people, and I will be your God.  And I will deliver you from all your uncleannesses. (Ezekiel 36:24-29)

However, God’s unilateral action on behalf of His people must be associated with confession and mourning over their sins:

• Then you will remember your evil ways, and your deeds that were not good, and you will loathe yourselves for your iniquities and your abominations.  It is not for your sake that I will act, declares the Lord God; let that be known to you. Be ashamed and confounded for your ways, O house of Israel. (Ezek. 36:31-32)

• I will establish my covenant with you, and you shall know that I am the Lord, that you may remember and be confounded, and never open your mouth again because of your shame, when I atone for you for all that you have done, declares the Lord God.” (Ezek. 16:62-63)

Shame is a necessary God-given emotion. It instructs us about ourselves and our relationships. It also directs us to take corrective action – confession of sins – in order to bring true reconciliation and joy.

Perhaps, even in heaven, we will need to recall how we had been in rebellion against God. I am growing in appreciation for my wife, but this only occurs as I take a good and deep look at myself.

An Atheist Admires the Contributions of Religion

Atheist Alain de Botton believes that atheists and secularists can learn and borrow a lot of good things from religion:

• Religions merit our attention for their sheer conceptual ambition; for changing the world in a way that few secular institutions ever have. They have managed to combine theories about ethics and metaphysics with a practical involvement in education, fashion, politics, travel, hostelry, initiation, ceremonies, publishing, art and architecture -  a range of interests which puts to shame the scope of achievements of even the greatest and most influential secular movements and individuals in history. (Religion for Atheists: A Non-Believer’s Guide to the Uses of Religion, 18)

Truly, there are many reasons why the religious combination of “ethics and metaphysics” is productive. Most basically, monotheistic religions maintain that there are unchanging and transcendent Ideals and Truths (metaphysics) that trump even our immediate welfare.

There are many benefits buried in this understanding. For one thing, this understanding (faith) frees us up from the tyranny of our emotions. We no longer are enslaved to their passing whims and demands, knowing that something greater awaits us in the next life.

This faith – knowing that God is taking care of us - also frees us up to be other-centered. We certainly do not like everyone in our church, but we understand that love shouldn’t depend on our likes and dislikes, but on a higher calling. Interestingly, we find that as we love the unlikable, we might also grow to like them!

This faith also frees us up from self-absorption. There comes into our lives something greater with which to be absorbed. Our performance, popularity, and worthiness no longer matter to us as it once did. We know that we are forgiven and beloved and find growing joy in serving our Master.

This, of course, leads us to de Botton’s expectation that the secularist can borrow useful traits and behaviors from the Christian. He recognizes that:

• We continue to need exhortations to be sympathetic and just, even if we do not believe that there is a God who has a hand in wishing to make us so (80).

However, looking longingly through the car dealership window at a Ferrari is one thing; appropriating it for oneself is another. We might admire its fuel-injection system and the energy it imparts. However, we will be very disappointed if we try to swallow it in the hope that we will be similarly energized.

It is precisely the same predicament that the atheist will face by trying to incorporate the things of God without God.

While I am glad that de Botton recognizes the “need [for] exhortations to be sympathetic and just,” the atheist has no adequate reason to heed such exhortations. De Botton correctly argues that such exhortations will produce a better world, but the human being is more interested in what will produce the better life for himself and those in his own household, and why shouldn’t he be!

De Botton bases his case on pragmatism – what will yield positive results. However, if our exhortations are pragmatically based, then pragmatism alone will tend towards self-centeredness and our immediate comforts. These considerations provide maximal benefits.

While it is easy to stage a concert to benefit a worthy cause – and in the short-run, this makes us feel very good about ourselves – it is unsustainable in the long-run. The personal pay-offs dry up as human history ubiquitously testifies. The benefit concert was exciting at first, but over time, it fails to provide high-octane, self-esteem building fuel.

Can the secularist live for the high moral principle itself? This brings us back to the basic flaw of atheism/secularism. There are simply no “higher” moral principles! In the atheistic world, there is nothing higher than his own feelings and opinions – no higher truth to which he will submit or even recognize. Secular Humanist, Max Hocutt, stated the problem this way:

• “To me [the non-existence of God] means that there is no absolute morality, that moralities are sets of social conventions devised by humans to satisfy their needs…If there were a morality written up in the sky somewhere but no God to enforce it, I see no good reason why anyone should pay it any heed.” (Understanding the Times)

However, the atheist doesn’t even believe that there is a “morality written up in the sky.” Instead, morality is something we merely create. Hence, morality serves us; we don’t serve morality, and there is a monumental difference between the two!

This difference means that our cherished principles lack any unchanging basis. Therefore, they are relative to our changing thoughts, feelings and cultures.

De Botton wishes to borrow Christian principles and behaviors. However, he will find that secularism is even unable to retain the Christian principles that Western Civilization already enjoys. Let’s name a few:

1. Mutual and Equal Respect. In the counseling world, this has been translated into “Unconditional Positive Regard” (UPR) for all people.
2. Equal Protection under the Law (The Bill of Rights)

However, these rest upon a transcendent, biblical foundation, as our Declaration of Independence affirms:

• That all men are created equal and are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights.

However, this affirmation is not within the grasp of secularism/atheism, which is materialistic and naturalistic. In other words, reality is exclusively comprised from the ingredients of this material universe – no transcendent spiritual realities allowed here! But without the transcendent spiritual, there is no basis whatsoever for equal rights, respect and UPR.

Just imagine a secular psychotherapist who values UPR as a necessary psychotherapeutic tool – and it is! One problem – he has no rational basis to regard all his clients with UPR! From a materialistic perspective, some have positive value and some negative. Some are costly to people and society; others make positive contributions. Therefore, they do not merit equal respect, protection under the law or UPR! Why then extend UPR if reality doesn’t warrant it? From a materialistic perspective, some people merit nothing more than contempt.

This understanding might not stop the therapist from extending UPR, even though he ceases to believe in truth of UPR. However, he will soon realize that he is being manipulative and hypocritical. Eventually, this cognitive dissonance will undermine UPR and any concept of equal respect.

As a probation officer, I always treated my probationers with UPR, even while I was firm with them. However, they sensed the respect I had for them, and I think that this made a difference. However, this is unsustainable for the atheist.

I pray that de Botton will come to realize that he cannot separate the gift of religion from the gift-Giver.