A Life-Controlling Affliction: The Need for Self-Validation

The richest man in the world, John D. Rockefeller, had been asked, “How much money do you need to be happy?” He famously answered, “Always a bit more.”

His answer remains alive for us today because it illustrates something that we observe in ourselves. We are never satisfied, no matter how great the successes, recognition, or money we have accumulated. Self-validation is a monster that requires continuous feeding. Lady Gaga sings about this consuming fire:

• “I live for the applause, applause, applause…the way that you cheer and scream for me.” She adds in another song, “yes we live for the Fame, Doin’ it for the Fame, Cuz we wanna live the life of the rich and famous.”

Self-validation is a life-consuming quest, which will not let go. I always had to be the best. When someone else was better, I was jealous and resented his success. Although Christ has set me free from its controlling influence, the feelings are still there. They can get me down, but I get right back up and laugh these ugly feelings in the face.

Where do these feelings – these psychological addictions – come from? It seems that we are all, to some degree, afflicted with an underlying sense of unworthiness. It might manifest itself through shame or guilt or even self-contempt. This sense is so powerful that we have to do something about it. We have to validate ourselves not only to ourselves but to the rest of the world.

My way of self-validation was through being the best. Others seek to look the best or to be people-pleasers or to gain love and approval to the max – anything to silence the inner voices that tell us that we are unworthy, that they is something wrong or lacking within.

Well, where does this seemingly universal sense of unworthiness come from? What is the universal cause that is adequate to explain this universal brokenness?

God had created us to feel entirely comfortable within our own skin. In fact, Adam and Eve felt so comfortable that they went naked without any sense of shame. However, this all changed once they had sinned. Even if they didn’t quite understand their now life-controlling feelings of shame, they knew something was wrong and laughably covered themselves with fig leaves.

Today, not having a fig tree in reach, we cover ourselves with our attainments, university degrees, and successes, convinced that a mere covering will adequately address the underlying infection. But as a mere covering, it never does! Instead, as with any drug or addiction, we always crave more.

The addiction is so powerful that we will do anything to protect it. We deny the real issue and avoid and detest anything or anyone who might expose it. When God found Adam and Eve hiding from Him, He asked them what the problem was. Foolishly, they tried to divert Him with half-truths.

I could never admit my addiction – that I was self-consumed, had to be the best, and was jealous of anyone who had what I wanted. I tried my best to hide these obsessions away in a place of darkness. Anyone who might expose them was a threat.

Even after God revealed their sin and lies, they continued to validate themselves by blaming someone else. Eve blamed the serpent; Adam blamed both Eve and the God who had brought her to him.

What had started this cycle of unworthiness, addiction and lies? Sin and its rupturing of our vital connection with our Creator! As long as Adam and Eve had this connection, there was no sense of unworthiness but rather completeness and wholeness.

Why then are the redeemed still struggling with these feelings, now that the relationship with our Redeemer has been restored? We are only halfway home. We are still awaiting the glories that will be revealed in us:

• We ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. (Romans 8:23)

Yes, we have already been redeemed and adopted. However, not entirely! The sin in our unredeemed body remains our enemy and opposes us at every turn:

• So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want. (Galatians 5:16-17)

Consequently, it does not feel like we are yet home. We still want to validate ourselves against the accusations of our flesh, even though Christ has validated us beyond anything that we might hope to do (Gal. 2:20). What then? We laugh at these cravings, convinced that they have already been decisively addressed by our Savior, and meanwhile seek to minister to the needs of others.

Same-Sex Marriage and Adoption

Now that President Obama has declared himself in favor of legalizing same-sex marriage, the implications of its legalization have to be examined closely.

Interestingly, the latest issue of Christianity Today hosted three editorials on the role of Christians regarding adoptions or foster care placements to homosexual couples. This question is now on the cutting edge. As gay marriage becomes legalized in the various states, Christians and Christian agencies will not be able to opt out from placing children /babies with gay couples.

Paul Shrier, professor of practical theology at Azusa Pacific University, defended Christians who would entrust the children to gays:

• Several years ago, I facilitated a faith-based luncheon at Azusa Pacific University to promote foster care among faith-based organizations. We invited representatives of churches, synagogues, mosques, and other religious groups. (CT, May 2012, 48)

Shrier suggests that if Christians have no moral qualms about placing children in foster care with Muslims, then they should have none regarding gay couples.

This argument is far from a slam-dunk. If we are concerned about the welfare of the child, then there are compelling reasons to hesitate placing a child with an Islamic family. According to one Hadith (a saying of Muhammad), anyone who leaves Islam deserves death:

• The blood of a Muslim who confesses that none has the right to be worshipped but Allah and that I (Muhammad) am His Apostle, cannot be shed except in three cases: In Qisas for murder, a married person who commits illegal sexual intercourse and the one who reverts from Islam (apostate) and leaves the Muslims. (Sahih al-Bukhari, 9:83:17)

How can we ignore this in consideration of child placement! Shrier also claims that “there has been a lot of solid, reliable research on the outcomes for children fostered or adopted by stable gay couple.” However, all of this research has been hotly contested. In another of the three editorials, Ryan T. Anderson states:

• Not surprisingly, the best social science confirms the biblical truth that children do best when reared by a mom and a dad. (49)

Shrier concludes his argument by citing the example of Michael Klausman, president of the CBS Studio Center who confided that:

• When the hit TV show Will & Grace [which has been identified as influencing many in favor of the gay lifestyle] first came out, Christians sent letters condemning him… “I guess I could have just taken a stand if I agreed with them”…But God didn’t tell him to do that, so he didn’t…Klausman also noted that if he had quit his job over Will & Grace, he would have lost his influence in the arena.

Why wasn’t Klausman able to find the guidance he needed from Scripture? Why did he require God to personally show him, when He had already made this issue so abundantly clear in Scripture? Did retaining his presidency induce him to compromise? And if he had compromised, what possible Godly influence could he still exert?

The gay political agenda is militant and intolerant, prohibiting any choice other than its own. Diversity has no place in their agenda. Already, several Christian adoptive agencies have been forced out of business, rather than to compromise their principles. Others have lost their jobs, rather than participating in the same-sex marriage process. Public schools are now being coerced to legitimize the gay lifestyle, and parents are often prevented from opting their children out of such “education.”

In short, the gay agenda sends forth lengthy tentacles to remake society. If the stats are any indication of our future, we should expect severely heightened levels of suicide, depression, mental illness, and substance abuse. Caring means warning!