THE FAITHFULNESS OF GOD EVEN THROUGH SUFFERING: A TESTIMONY

My wife and I have been following reports about the search for the container ship El Faro, praying and grieving for the families and the possible lost lives.

However, even in the midst of this tragedy, I have been thanking God for His goodness. Ironically, there are many reasons to thank Him for His goodness, even in the midst of suffering, but I will mention just one.

Misery loves company, and I had been a miserable person. While the Bible instructs us to mourn with those who mourn and rejoice with those who rejoice (Romans 12:15), to my great shame, I found that I was mourning with those who rejoice and rejoicing when others mourned, even as a Christian. Not only was I deeply ashamed of myself, but these feelings made me feel isolated and alien from my brethren. In my mind, they were successful Christians, while I was a complete, unspiritual failure. Therefore, I couldn’t help but feel jealous of them.

However, our God is able to provide:

·       If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all--how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? (Romans 8:31-32)

He is in the process of giving us all things. For me, it took time. However, now I can look back with gratitude because my Savior has provided. I now can feel like a human being. Even more, I can now see myself as a child of God and can rejoice for the good He has done for me!

The Death of Conversational Intimacy

What has happened to meaningful conversation? In the  New York Times Review, September 26, 2015, “Stop Googling. Let’s Talk,” Sherry Turkle identifies technology as the culprit – namely the cell phone:

•         So conversation proceeds [amidst cell-phone interruptions], but… The effect is what you would expect: Conversation is kept relatively light, on topics where people feel they can drop in and out.

Turkle argues that this makes for superficial conversations:

•         Studies of conversation both in the laboratory and in natural settings show that when two people are talking, the mere presence of a phone on a table between them or in the periphery of their vision changes both what they talk about and the degree of connection they feel. People keep the conversation on topics where they won’t mind being interrupted. They don’t feel as invested in each other. Even a silent phone disconnects us.

What do we sacrifice for the convenience of a cell phone? Turkle observes that through direct conversation:

•         We learn to make eye contact, to become aware of another person’s posture and tone, to comfort one another and respectfully challenge one another — that [is where] empathy and intimacy flourish.

However, as she points out, there seems to be other factors involved:

•         In 2010, a team at the University of Michigan led by the psychologist Sara Konrath put together the findings of 72 studies that were conducted over a 30-year period. They found a 40 percent decline in empathy among college students, with most of the decline taking place after 2000.

The decline in empathy and intimate conversations seems to even pre-date the advent of the cell-phone. Turkle identifies our discomfort with solitude and any attempt to try to become grounded in ourselves and self-awareness as the source of the problem:

•         In one experiment, many student subjects opted to give themselves mild electric shocks rather than sit alone with their thoughts.

While some thrive on the contemplative life, others dread it. This resistance to encountering self is tragic. Turkle reflects that:

•         In solitude we find ourselves; we prepare ourselves to come to conversation with something to say that is authentic…If we don’t know how to be alone, we’ll only know how to be lonely…When we are secure in ourselves, we are able to really hear what other people have to say.

Why is it that security – the comfort in knowing and accepting where we stand – enables us to hear and to attend to others? I think that there are a numbers of ways that we can understand this.

When we accept ourselves, we can accept others. Their problems, weaknesses, and even their strengths do not threaten us. We are free to appreciate them for who they are. When our most pressing needs are resolved, we are also free to attend to the needs and anxieties of others.

Besides, when we are secure in our own opinions and even in our failings, we need not fear being exposed, ridiculed, or backed into the wall.

Also, when we know where we stand and why we stand there, and this requires a lot of personal reflection, we can comfortably respond. It’s like hitting a home run. Our feet must be planted firmly and securely. When our feet aren’t planted securely, we are off-balance and confused.

Let’s use an example. Your friend tells you about a wonderful extra-marital affair he is enjoying. You ask him about its impact on his wife and kids. He answers that everything is just fine.

Where do you go from there? You feel that adultery is wrong and destructive, but you also believe that your friend has to do what feels is right for him. (You are a moral relativist and don’t believe in objective moral truths.) Consequently, you are very confused and do not know how to respond. You try to resolve your confusion, but your paradigms are in irresolvable conflict. Result – great discomfort and a huge headache! Further contemplation? It just leads to frustration. It’s like starting to button your shirt with the wrong button. Every other button will be out of place.

We have to go back to the beginning, but that is too difficult. Questioning moral relativism is like questioning the very foundation of our life.

Turkle suggests that we simply reclaim conversation:

•         This is our moment to acknowledge the unintended consequences of the technologies to which we are vulnerable, but also to respect the resilience that has always been ours.

However, it is one thing to acknowledge this extensive problem, but it’s another thing to effectively confront it, especially in light of our antipathy to solitude and self-examination.

Alienation: What is it and what does it Cost

Any good manager must be aware of what is happening in each area of his domain. To not be aware of what is happening in one area might undermine the entire enterprise. He must also ensure that the different parts are working in harmony.

The same principles pertain to our individual lives. If we are alienated from certain parts of ourselves, we will not be able to function properly.

Why are we alienated from ourselves? There might be certain parts we cannot accept. They are just too painful or too disruptive. We therefore try to bury feelings of guilt, shame, and inadequacy.

However, if we are alienated from certain parts of ourselves, we will also be alienated from others. If there are certain parts of ourselves we cannot accept, we will also be unable to accept them when we see them in others. If we cannot tolerate failure in ourselves, we will be uncomfortable when we see it in others.

We are also alienated from ourselves when we adopt a philosophy that refuses to harmonize with the rest of our lives. The writer and apologist, Francis Schaeffer, cites Sigmund Freud’s alienation from himself. Freud was a materialist. For him, human experience was reduced to a series of bio-chemical reactions. Love was reduced to the sexual impulse. Freud understandably wrote to his fiancée:

• When you come to me, little Princess, love me irrationally.

To love Freud rationally was to understand that her feelings of love were no more bio-chemical responses. Therefore, Freud wanted his fiancée to regard her feelings as irrational – as more than just robotic reactions, as, instead, impregnated with the fullness of meaning.

Freud had a schizoid worldview. His loving feelings were alienated from his materialistic beliefs. Only irrationality could bring them together. He wanted to believe in his feelings, but his worldview prevented him from affirming the message articulated by these feelings.

Similarly, I have often asked college students, “Is it objectively and absolutely wrong to rape?” As easy as it should be to answer this question, it caused considerable discomfort. Why? The mental and emotive parts were at odds and alienated. While their mind informed them that there is nothing absolutely wrong, their feelings offered a very different answer. Answer?

When we experience such dissonance, the natural and healthy response would be to resolve the dissonance by bringing our thoughts into harmony, but they could not. Why not? They had alienated themselves from the voice of their discordant feelings.

Jesus explained this costly failure as the product of our love for the wrong things:

• This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but men loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. (John 3:19-20)

We have condemned ourselves. Why? Schaeffer explains that we have rejected our appointed role, our station in life:

• Thus, in rebellion, not staying within the circle of what man is, but trying to move into the circle of the existence of God, man falls crushed within himself at every turn.

When we decide that we are going to be the captain-of-our-own-ship, we reject God – His oversight and boundaries – and reap the consequences of our rebellion against the truth. We no longer want to listen to what our own voices are telling us. We harden ourselves against our guilt, shame, and even what is so patently obvious – that rape is absolutely wrong. We also harden ourselves against God’s inner voice, which has become an unwanted interference and a threat to our autonomy.

Yes, we are the captain-of-our-ship, but it is a rudderless and directionless ship, without a light, map, or even a destination.

Sweden and the Costs of Self-Promotion

When trying to prove that atheism is fruitful, atheists appeal to the “atheistic” country of Sweden for support. (Obviously, they can’t invoke the militant atheistic communist nations!) That’s why I was delighted to meet an engaging Swedish woman at a hostel in Krakow, Poland, who I assaulted with a series of questions.

She quickly dismissed that assertion that Sweden was atheistic, affirming that most Swedes believe in God even though they aren’t church-goers. Nevertheless, she acknowledged that the Christian faith was continuing to shrink away from the Swedish public arena. Even though not a Christian, she acknowledged that the public disappearance of the faith was associated with the growth of social ills:

• The youth have been taught to think that they are #1 and that they can do all things. Consequently, they can’t deal with setbacks.

She explained that their unrealistically high expectations have not prepared them for failure. Besides, failure undermines the very foundation of their self-concept and therefore, it is too painful to endure. It boldly tells them that they are not superior.

This made me think that Sweden was not very much different from the rest of the West, although it might have played a pioneering role. But why do we find this tendency so prevalent in the West?

It seems that when a culture minimizes God, a vacuum is created – a vacuum that needs to be filled. If the West can no longer rely on God, what then can it rely on if not the self! If God is no longer the answer to our hopes, then we are forced to pick up the reigns. Our dreams and hopes must now be fulfilled by us.

While this “captain of my ship” orientation is greatly esteemed, the costs are seldom considered. Yes, there are costs! My Swedish friend noted a few of them – alienation, loneliness, and the breakdown of community.

However, at first glance, there seems to be no causal link between these social ills and believing in oneself. It would seem that self-trust and self-esteem might even provide some extra confidence in navigating the threatening waters of social interaction, but this might not be the case. A study performed in the U.S. about 18 years ago found that only 10% admitted that they lacked a friend to whom they could share their innermost concerns. When the survey was repeated 15 years later, that percentage had climbed to 25%, despite higher reported levels of self-esteem.

What can account for such a troubling upturn? Self-esteem costs! When we attempt to fill the God-vacuum, we have to deny and suppress disturbing truths about ourselves. These truths clearly tell us we are not gods and can’t trust in ourselves. Instead, we fight an ongoing battle against our perceptions in order to believe the unbelievable about ourselves. It becomes too painful to acknowledge that we have weaknesses and failings that we have not been able to overcome. Consequently, we suppress the painful and accentuate those things that bring us psychological comfort.

This is not guesswork. Many surveys have demonstrated that the mentally “healthy” live lives of self-delusion. For instance, in one study, the subjects were asked to rate themselves according to numerous characteristics. Then others who knew the subject well rated him. The subject’s rating was almost always higher than those who knew him best.

How would a heightened self-image affect relationships and alienation? Here are several thoughts:

1. If we are in a constant battle to define our artificially high self-image, we might feel threatened by how others would regard us and isolate ourselves. Defensiveness interferes with relationship formation.

2. It is hard to relate to someone who doesn’t share the same reality, namely, our self-image. This would produce dissonance and consequently, social isolation. Just think of the problems trying to relate to someone who thinks that they are the next Einstein.

3. When someone is engaged in trying to heighten their self-esteem, we will either feel coerced into helping them or we will also feel the need to prove ourselves in face of such arrogance.

4. If we feel superior to others, we will not value them sufficiently.

5. In contrast, humility is self-accepting and non-coercive. It esteems the other. It also allows our associate to lay down his guard and to be himself.

It is hard to play God. It also seems to be costly. We are not equipped to play God but rather to be the beneficiary of His mercy. Therefore, Jesus warned:

• “For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.” (Luke 18:14)

Consequently, to reject God is to reject ourselves and the hope of real attachments and community.

Positive Affirmations: Costs and Benefits

A page entitled Affirmation for Stress suggests that we affirm ourselves in this manner:

•  I love myself deeply and unconditionally… I am confident about solving life’s problems successfully… I transcend stress of any kind. I live in peace… I am social and I like meeting people… All is well in my world and I am safe.

Psychotherapy depends upon the same materials. The Calm Clinic adds:

• While it may sound like bologna at times, positive thinking really does play a significant role in dealing with anxiety, and challenging your negative thoughts has the potential to provide your mind with some relief over its anxiety symptoms. That's why many people use affirmations. Affirmations are type of "new age" positivity technique that is designed to counter negative thinking by repeating positive phrases to yourself, and many people use these affirmations to help them control their anxiety.

While in the short run, affirmations can provide a lift, but what are the implications of living on a diet of artificial, distorted thoughts? Randy Paterson, PhD writes about their down-side:

• Positive thinking can get us into as much trouble as negative thinking. Both depart from reality, and reacting based on an incorrect fantasy about reality can lead to all kinds of problems. Indebtedness, lack of preparation, bankruptcy, academic failure, war (“We’ll invade their country and they’ll welcome us with open arms…”), you name it. 

I know a lot about this down-side but also the up-side. I had suffered from truck-loads of social anxiety and self-contempt. Positive affirmations therefore were tailor-made for me, and I quickly discovered their benefits. As a 14 year-old, I would adore my muscled frame in the mirror while telling myself, “You are a hunk; the girls secretly adore you.”

It worked! I went to school with a confidence that broke through the discomfort. However, once I got there, I quickly found that reality didn’t agree with the narrative I had created. I found that the girls preferred the class-clown, the athlete, and even the bad-boy.

The taller you are, the harder you fall. But no matter! I’d build myself up again. However, in order to reach the original “high,” I’d have to now saturate myself with even more grandiose affirmations: “I am the greatest catch a woman can have. I am superior to all the others!” This got me out of bed, but the fall that followed was even more painful.

Gradually, I was living in two different realities – one that I manufactured and the real world. I call my affirmations “reality” because, we have to believe that they are the truth in order for them to work. This is no game that we can just turn on and off. This is a battle of self-definition. Although I might win a momentary victory, I was gradually removing myself from reality and relationship. Relationship requires real sharing. However, I was no longer in a place to share the common reality from which I had removed myself.

I needed my positive-affirmation-drug to remain marginally functional. However, I also needed others to affirm the distorted reality that I had created for myself, and there were no takers. It’s hard to find people who will affirm that you are Albert Einstein or one of the super-heroes.

What then is the answer? Self-acceptance! But how can we accept ourselves when we cannot even face ourselves and are addicted to a diet of lies? Only a powerful replacement drug can suffice. All of my psychotherapists merely attempted to validate my dysfunctional self-validations, reinforcing my woes.

I needed a new and real self-definition – one that would allow me to get out of bed in the morning and face myself in view of all of my warts. This only came through my Savior Jesus. I am now convinced that He loves and accepts me despite my failures and unworthiness. Therefore, I can begin to accept myself and even accept others!