CELEBRATE ORGASM

While walking through a college campus, I observed a table manned by two female students with a sign reading "Celebrate Orgasm."

I understood it to mean, "celebrate uncommitted, casual sex," a message not at all uncommon on our college campuses. For me, at least, it conjured up thoughts of angry Leftist professors indoctrinating youth against traditional values. I decided I had to confront these misguided young ladies.

"Are you aware that studies show that married women report having better, more satisfying sex than the hook-up crowd?"

I was surprised to hear that they were familiar with these studies. I was even more surprised by what followed:

"Of course, a woman is going to enjoy sex more with someone she can trust, with someone she knows is totally committed to her."

I was stunned. She even said these words so matter-of-factly, as if to say, "It's just common knowledge."

"Well, if it is common knowledge," I thought, "why the heck are you celebrating indiscriminate orgasm?" However, others approached the table and I never got a chance to ask my provocative question, but I continued to think about it.

Although our youth have been substituting "until dead do us part" with something like "until we no longer are getting what we want out of this marriage," they know that they and their future offspring are made for committed relationships.

Meanwhile, they mock the Christian faith as puritanical and repressive, even though it is this very faith that safeguards what they ultimately want in a family and a relationship.

It is the teachings of the Bible, which provide the light and guidance for human thriving. Quoting Genesis 1-2, Jesus taught:

• “Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” (Matthew 19:4-6)

I am grateful for these teachings. Marriage can be trying, but it is because we are convinced these truths, that divorce has never presented itself as an option. Consequently, we're in it for the long-haul, and therefore, we can trust and rely upon one another. We are not surveying the grass of the other side, and so spend our time fertilizing our own lawn.

The Logic and Lessons of Cohabitation

Cohabitation – sometimes termed “trial marriage” - is the new and undisputed norm. NPR writes:

• Today, more than 65 percent of first marriages start out that way. Fifty years ago, it was closer to 10 percent.

• Cohabitation before marriage, once frowned upon, is now almost a rite of passage, especially for the millennial generation. Young adults born after 1980 are more likely to cohabit than any previous generation was at the same stage of life, according to the Pew Research Center. With more than 8 million couples currently cohabiting, it is obviously a living arrangement with appeal — but it is also one with unique challenges.

The logic for cohabitation goes like this:

• Marriage is difficult. Most end in divorce. It therefore makes sense to first live together to test for compatibility.

On the surface, this makes sense, but the findings indicate otherwise:

• The research on whether cohabitation increases the risk of divorce is still being debated, but Rhoades and her colleagues have found that couples who move in together before getting engaged or committed to marry are a little more likely to have lower-quality marriages. 

In fact, the stats are frankly forbidding:

• [Trial marriage] provides some but not all of the same emotional benefits of marriage, yet only for a short time and at a high price. Breaking up with a live-in lover carries many of the same emotional costs as divorce but happens far more frequently. People who are cohabitating are less happy generally than the married and are less satisfied with their sex lives. In America, long-term cohabiting relationships are far rarer than successful marriages. (The Case for Marriage, Linda Waite & Maggie Gallagher, 74)

• One in ten survives five or more years…The divorce rate among those who cohabit prior to marriage is nearly double (39% vs. 21%) that of couples who marry without prior co-habitation.

• “Men in cohabiting relationships are four times more likely to be unfaithful…Depression is three times more likely…The poverty rate among children of cohabiting couples is five-fold greater…and 90% more likely to have a low GPA…Abuse of children is 20 times higher in cohabiting biological-parent families; and 33 times higher when the mother is cohabiting with a boyfriend.”

• “Cohabitation is bad for men, worse for women, and horrible for children. It is a deadly toxin to marriage, family, and culture.” 

• Spanish statistics, which have been highlighted in recent years by Europe’s Family Policy Institute (FPI), and recently reported by the Spanish Newspaper ABC, indicate that while only 11% of Spanish couples cohabit without marriage, such unions account for 58% of the most violent crimes between couples. For every one protection order issued for a married couple, ten are issued for cohabiting couples. (LifeSiteNews.com)

How do we explain this? Why are “untried” marriages more successful than trial marriages? Perhaps it has to do with the way we regard marriage. Do we regard it pragmatically (whether or not it works for me) or principally (my commitment to my family is more important than pragmatic considerations). The pragmatic approach is me-centered, while the principled approach is other-centered.

Perhaps we need to understand that our lives are about more than ourselves and our pleasures. Perhaps instead, life paradoxically works better when we are other-centered, even God centered, and when we are not primarily focused on what I can get out of it.

This is the logic of Jesus:

• But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. (Matthew 6:33)

It seems to be superior to the “logic” of cohabitation.

Postmodernism, Logic, Love, and Truth

As soon as you mention something about “truth,” feathers begin to fly. You’ll hear responses like:

1. The only truth is change itself.
2. Everyone’s got their own way. It’s not a matter of one-size-fits-all!
3. The idea of truth is just too rigid.
4. The only truth is what is true for you alone!

We live in a postmodern age. Consequently, these statements seem to be so well-established that they are beyond questioning. They are as acceptable as the statement, “I exist” or “I like chocolate.”

However, postmodern thinking has become so much a part of our culture that it is as familiar and unnoticeable as the ocean is for a lobster. We have become so comfortable with this worldview, we fail to see that these assertions are illogical.

For instance, if the only truth is change itself (#1), then this statement is also subject to change and therefore contradicts itself. Therefore, this assertion cannot be true, at least not for long!

Statement #2 also contradicts itself. If “everyone’s got their own way” and there is no truth that is common to all of us, then this statement also is illogical, because it too is a statement of truth that pertains to all. Meanwhile, it rejects the notion that there is any truth that does pertains to all, while asserting the “truth” that it is all simply relative.

Statement #3 is equally illogical. If “the idea of truth is just too rigid,” then this statement is also too rigid, since it too is a statement of truth.

Statement #4, while claiming that we cannot assert what is true for other people (only what is true for us), implies that this principle is true for everyone, thereby contradicting itself.

The problems of incoherence do not stop in the realm of ideas. They also infiltrate our lives like stealth ninjas. For instance, just about everything that we say is a truth statement. Just think of the following instances:

1. That was a great movie.
2. My son goes to a wonderful school.
3. Bill is really a nice guy.

All of these statements have embedded value judgments. They suggest that, according to a universal standard, there is something objectively of value about the movie, school and Bill. However, if you were to press the postmodern about these implicit objective standards, she would retreat and redefine what she had stated:

• I only meant that I really enjoyed this movie. I’m not implying that there is anything superior about this movie.

However, this is the very thing that her statement implied. In fact, we cannot but speak in terms of objective truth statements. If we instead reduce all of our statements to merely personal feelings and tastes, we also reduce life and make it unlivable.

One guy tried to do this in regards to our conversations. When I would make truth statements, he would correct me:

• You can only speak for yourself and your own feelings. You can’t speak of truth in general, because, when you do this, you are also speaking for me, and I won’t allow you to do this!

Do you see the incoherence here? While forbidding my truth statements, he invoked many of his own, even requiring us to submit to the same rules. He eventually terminated our conversation.

However, the problems don’t stop here. One postmodern young lady informed me that she had recently found the meaning of her life. She would now devote herself to loving others.

I applauded her commitment to this noble cause. However, she then reassured me that her decision had nothing to do with truth or the inherent virtue of love. Instead, it was all about what personally worked for her! Consequently, she refused to say that what she had found had any relevance for anyone else, since everyone had to find what was right for themselves.

I therefore asked her:

• Since you do not believe in any objective moral law or the inherent goodness of love, do you tell these people that your intention is not really to love them but love yourself?  After all, you stated that you committed yourself to this cause because it works for you and not because of any higher calling. Therefore, isn’t you commitment inherently selfish? And, in order to be transparent, wouldn’t you have to tell the “objects of your love” that you are merely acting out of selfish motives?

How can love be love if it is done primarily out of selfish concerns? Can I pledge myself to my wife for only as long as the marriage works for me? In a world where there is no truth, there is also no real virtue, integrity, honor, justice or anything else that we cherish. Instead, everything is reduced to whether or not it works for us.

When I contrasted her stance with my Christian orientation, she replied, “That’s just too rigid for me.”

In a sense, she is right. Truth is rigid. It makes demands on us and tells us when we go astray, but we need truth nevertheless. I need to know that, when I’ve morally failed and feel the weight of guilt, that my Lord forgives and cleanses me from all of my filth (1 John 1:9). Without this confidence, I would remain consumed by my feelings of guilt and shame.

When I share this with others, they usually respond, “Well, that’s just your faith!” I retort that it’s not a matter of blind faith but substantiated faith. I need evidential assurances that God forgives me. I cannot believe simply because it makes me feel good. For my faith to give me the joy and confidence that I need, I have to be assured of its truth.

How will this postmodern young woman be able to maintain her love commitment once it stops feeling good to her and no longer works for her? I don’t think that she will be able to! We need to not only feel that something is “right”; we also need to be convinced that it is truly right. Only this kind of conviction will carry us through! Otherwise, we retreat into the unstable and juvenile life where feelings alone reign.

Our Relationships: Why they Fail and why they Succeed

What does it take to maintain a thriving relationship or marriage? Several websites contain quotations identifying many essential ingredients. Some quotes emphasized sacrificial effort:

• “The difference between an ordinary marriage and an extraordinary marriage is in giving just a little ‘extra’ every day, as often as possible, for as long as we both shall live.”

• “A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.”

• “The greatest marriages are built on teamwork. A mutual respect, a healthy dose of admiration, and a never-ending portion of love and grace.”

• “A great marriage isn’t something that just happens; it’s something that must be created.”

• ‎”No one can go back and change how it started but a new future for any marriage can begin the moment one person begins to invest in it.”

Similarly, others emphasized commitment and acceptance:

• “Once we figured out that we could not change each other, we became free to celebrate ourselves as we are.”

• “A long-lasting marriage is built by two people who believe in -and live by- the solemn promise they made.”

• “Marriage is a commitment- a decision to do, all through life, that which will express your love for one’s spouse.”

• “A happy marriage doesn’t mean you have a perfect spouse or a perfect marriage. It simply means you’ve chosen to look beyond the imperfections in both.”

Other sayings emphasized the importance of forgiveness:

• “A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.”

• “Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit.”

• “To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”

• “A successful marriage isn’t the union of two perfect people. It’s that of two imperfect people who have learned the value of forgiveness and grace.”

Forgiveness is so critical. When one partner refuses to forgive, bitterness and disappointment reign, and these undermine a relationship at its foundation. Curiously, though, I didn’t see any quotes stressing apologies - confession of wrongdoing. Without these, there cannot be any real healing or reconciliation. I can forgive my wife in my heart, but the pain, disappointment, and resentment might remain until there is a genuine humbling to admit the wrongdoing.

I think that real apologies have become a dying breed, and, along with them, real reconciliation. Why? I think that there are many reasons:

Admitting that we are at fault is difficult. Too often, our sense of self – our self-esteem – depends on being right. When we get into a fight, we are inclined to blame the other. This is easier to do than to take the blame upon ourselves.

We are taught to believe in ourselves. However, in order to believe in ourselves, we have to think good things about ourselves and to deny the negative – our wrongdoing.

However, I have found that the more highly I esteem myself, the less I will esteem others and my wife. The less I esteem myself, the more I esteem my wife and am grateful to have such a woman, despite her failings.

We believe that we should be easy on ourselves. This means that we shouldn’t hold ourselves to a high and scrupulous moral standard.

This too is problematic. For example, if my wife tells me, “You are speaking harshly to me,” but I respond, “Well, you’re just too demanding of me,” we will not be reconciled. Her hurt feelings and my guilt feelings remain. Besides, we will continue to obsess about how right we both are! Instead, reconciliation requires humble and sincere confession.

If, instead of apologizing, I take my wife out to dinner and buy her a new dress, this will fail to penetrate to the place of the hurt. In fact, all of the other things that go into making a good relationship – respect, commitment, and devotion – will also fail to address the source of the problem.

It is interesting to find that the problems we encounter in our relationships serve as a reflection of the problems with have with our Primary relationship. Serving God entails commitment, respect, and hard work, but even more fundamentally, it requires us to confess our sins. Repeatedly, God instructs us to take a careful moral inventory in regards to Him:

• “Return, faithless Israel, declares the Lord. I will not look on you in anger, for I am merciful, declares the Lord; I will not be angry forever. Only acknowledge your guilt, that you rebelled against the Lord your God and scattered your favors among foreigners under every green tree, and that you have not obeyed my voice.” (Jeremiah 3:12-13)

God doesn’t require that Israel first pay Him a great sum of money or make exhaustive sacrifices before He will forgive them. Instead, He asks for one thing – acknowledgment of their guilt.

In the end, when Yahweh pours out His Spirit upon Israel, the result will be a mourning over their sins:

• “And I will pour out on the house of David and the inhabitants of Jerusalem a spirit of grace and pleas for mercy, so that, when they look on me, on him [Jesus] whom they have pierced, they shall mourn for him, as one mourns for an only child, and weep bitterly over him, as one weeps over a firstborn.” (Zechariah 12:10)

From contrition will come forgiveness and restoration. The great prayers of the Bible reflect an understanding of this principle – that confession must precede reconciliation (1 Kings 8; Dan. 9). Where there is a refusal to confess sins, there is also an absence of mercy.

In the end, God will unilaterally restore and transform Israel:

• I will take you from the nations and gather you from all the countries and bring you into your own land. I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you shall be clean from all your uncleannesses, and from all your idols I will cleanse you. And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes and be careful to obey my rules. You shall dwell in the land that I gave to your fathers, and you shall be my people, and I will be your God.  And I will deliver you from all your uncleannesses. (Ezekiel 36:24-29)

However, God’s unilateral action on behalf of His people must be associated with confession and mourning over their sins:

• Then you will remember your evil ways, and your deeds that were not good, and you will loathe yourselves for your iniquities and your abominations.  It is not for your sake that I will act, declares the Lord God; let that be known to you. Be ashamed and confounded for your ways, O house of Israel. (Ezek. 36:31-32)

• I will establish my covenant with you, and you shall know that I am the Lord, that you may remember and be confounded, and never open your mouth again because of your shame, when I atone for you for all that you have done, declares the Lord God.” (Ezek. 16:62-63)

Shame is a necessary God-given emotion. It instructs us about ourselves and our relationships. It also directs us to take corrective action – confession of sins – in order to bring true reconciliation and joy.

Perhaps, even in heaven, we will need to recall how we had been in rebellion against God. I am growing in appreciation for my wife, but this only occurs as I take a good and deep look at myself.