LEARNING TO LOVE YOURSELF?

There are numerous verses that seem to suggest that we should love ourselves:

·       “This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” (Matthew 22:38-39; ESV; also Matthew 19:19; Mark 12:31, 33;  Romans 13:9; Galatians 5:14; James 2:8; Leviticus 19:18)

Some see in these verses a mandate for us to love ourselves. But instead, the mandate of these verses is to love others, without any command to love ourselves. Well then, how can we love others if we don’t love ourselves?

Well first we have to understand what self-love entails and what it doesn’t. Loving ourselves certainly doesn’t mean to think more highly of ourselves than we have reason to think. Instead, there is nothing in Scripture that would have us to inflate our self-image contrary to the truth. Instead, we are told to think accurately about ourselves:

·       For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned. (Romans 12:3)

James tell us that we are as substantial as a mere vapor:

·       Yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. (James 4:14)

Living in the light requires that we think about ourselves according to that light. This means that we need to see ourselves in a biblical way:

·       For if anyone thinks he is something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself. (Galatians 6:3)

Without Christ, we told that we must regard ourselves as “nothing.” Even if we have lived a life of perfect obedience to the Lord, we must regard ourselves as “undeserving” of anything good from the Lord:

·       “So you also, when you have done all that you were commanded, say, ‘We are unworthy servants; we have only done what was our duty.’” (Luke 17:10)

We cannot earn anything good from the Lord (Romans 11:350. The only thing we deserve is death (Romans 6:23). Everything else is a matter of grace. Jesus even taught that without Him, we can do nothing (John 15:5).

How then can we love others if these are the ways we must think about ourselves? Instead of trying to establish our own worthiness or self-righteousness, we have to think in ways that have been prescribed for God’s children. Paul had prayed that we would:

·       Have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. (Ephesians 3:18-19)

He assured us that:

·       If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? (Romans 8:31-32)

·       For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:38-39)

·       But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Since, therefore, we have now been justified by his blood, much more shall we be saved by him from the wrath of God. For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life. (Romans 5:8-10))

It is a rejection of these assurances to build up our self-esteem, worthiness, and self-righteousness before God. It would be equivalent to telling God, “What you are offering me in Christ is not sufficient for me.”

Clearly, when we are instructed to love our neighbor as ourselves, we are not being told to think more highly of ourselves than we ought. Ironically, if we love our neighbors in the same sense, we should be building their self-esteem. However, this cannot be the biblical intent! Well then, of what does loving ourselves consist?

Loving ourselves is something that we do naturally. Even though I had struggled for decades with self-loathing and depression, I still loved myself. How? I took care of myself. When I was hungry I ate. When I was tired, I slept. When I was lonely, I called a friend. In order to feel better about myself, I would take a walk or ride my bike. I would also build my self-esteem to compensate for my self-loathing. I would read self-help books and go to see a psychologist in hope of feeling better about myself. In short, I loved myself.

Loving ourselves is not something that we are commanded to do. It is something that we do naturally. Even the masochist loves himself and causes harm to himself as a form of self-atonement to feel better about himself.

How then are we to love others? By addressing their needs as we do our own! If anything, we are to regard their needs before our own:

·       Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant. (Philippians 2:3-7)

We are called to model our lives after our Savior, the ultimate servant who died for our sins. Rather than loving ourselves by inflating our self-esteem, we need to clothe ourselves with Christ and abide in His word and assurances. This can be a very tiring and frustrating calling. Therefore, we are encouraged:

·       Let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. So then, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to those who are of the household of faith. (Galatians 6:9-10)

What does love look like?

·       Owe no one anything, except to love each other, for the one who loves another has fulfilled the law. For the commandments, “You shall not commit adultery, You shall not murder, You shall not steal, You shall not covet,” and any other commandment, are summed up in this word: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” Love does no wrong to a neighbor; therefore love is the fulfilling of the law. (Romans 13:8-10)

Easy? No! It requires our daily divine bread.

SHOULD YOU LOVE YOURSELF?

Well, that depends on what it means to “love yourself.” Does it mean that we should be feeding ourselves on messages about our goodness and worthiness? What did Jesus mean when He said, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself” (Matthew 23:39)?

This is the one verse that suggests that we should love ourselves, or does it. Certainly, it doesn’t mean that we should be feeding our neighbors with a continuous diet of positive affirmations. If not, what does it mean? More likely, Jesus merely observed that we love ourselves by what we do. When we are cold, we dress ourselves warmly. When we are tired, we go to sleep. When we are hungry, we eat, and this is how we should love our neighbor – by being equally concerned about their needs.

This is an important distinction. My wife and I went to a talk tonight at the progressive Union Theological Seminary, where several professors urged that people of color need to find ways to love themselves, especially after having been degraded for so long. They weren’t talking about eating when hungry or sleeping when tired. Instead, they were talking about ways to boast self-esteem, either through positive affirmations or through the positive portrayals of Black people.

When I questioned this strategy, my wife was troubled and responded:

• I can’t understand why you questioned that. You are so familiar with self-loathing, and yet you dismiss their need for positive messages and to see positive role models.

Well, she is correct about my long struggle with self-contempt and all of the resulting depression. She therefore continued:

• We all need to know that we are precious and created in the very image of God. And you know that. Why are you denying it?

I wasn’t denying it. Actually, I was affirming what she said:

• When we remind ourselves that we are created in the image of God and that Christ loved us so much that He died for us, we are not affirming ourselves but are receiving the love that God is giving us. But when we tell ourselves, “I am intelligent; I am beautiful; I can be a success at anything I attempt,” we are building up ourselves with our own affirmations, which are often deluded and always counter-productive.

I had been a master at giving myself positive affirmations, and they became more exaggerated with the passage of time. At first, I convinced myself that the girls really loved me. In a short time, I had advanced to believing that I was God’s gift to women. However, even these grandiose beliefs failed me. I was still the loner I had always been, but now I had become very self-deluded and out-of-touch with both myself and with others.

I also had other strategies of self-aggrandizement. I would remind myself that I belonged to a people that had produced the Einsteins and 30% of the Nobel Prize winners. Although this gave me a minimal boost, it seemed that my depression of as thick as ever, perhaps even worse. These affirmations were no better than drugs, which never really touched the real problem. Could I kick the drug? Not a chance! Instead, I needed ever-increasing doses to barely make it through the day.

Even after Christ got ahold of me, I resorted to exalting myself with my positive affirmations. I convinced myself that I was deserving of God’s love, because I was more spiritual than others. It didn’t matter that there was absolutely no truth at all in my affirmations. I just had to believe them, and, to some extent, I did.

I required years for my Savior to break me of this horrid addiction. I suffered the most excruciating trials. I hadn’t imagined, even after decades of serious depression, that such suffering was possible.

Now, I can look back and say, “It is good for me that I was afflicted, that I might learn your statutes” (Psalm 119:71). And I did learn them. I had to! I was sinking, and there was nothing else on which to cling.

What did I learn? That those who exalt themselves with their self-affirmations will be humbled, as Jesus had repeatedly taught:

• “For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted.” (Luke 14:11)

I had been exalting myself, and didn’t understand it until many years after having received Christ. Meanwhile, He was in the process of humbling me so that He’d be able to exalt me:

• “I tell you, this man went down to his house justified, rather than the other. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but the one who humbles himself will be exalted.” (Luke 18:14)

• “So you also, when you have done all that you were commanded, say, ‘We are unworthy servants; we have only done what was our duty.’” (Luke 17:10)

In contrast to these teachings, I had been telling myself for years how much more worthy I was than others, as a dug my own psychological grave.

I explained to my wife, that I couldn’t be silent and watch my Black brethren pursuing destruction’s course. Yes, some might think that I was questioning this “logic” of self-love because I wanted to keep my brethren in a “degraded,” self-loathing condition. Although this possibility was troubling to me, I decided to risk it, knowing that I had to honor God’s Words.

I have sworn myself off all forms of this kind of self-love. Yes, I’d love to be exalted, but that is entirely in God’s hands. Instead, I will satisfy myself on His daily bread – the love and approval He has given me – and the challenge at hand.

Stoicism: Its Wisdom and its Problems

There is much to affirm about the Stoic practice of virtue. Stoic philosopher Massimo Pigliucci writes approvingly about another Stoic philosopher, William Irvine:

·       He says Stoics have a three-pronged approach to achieve this: i) they do their best to enjoy things that cannot be taken away from them, like their character; ii) when they enjoy things that can be taken from them (which is fine for Stoics, unlike with the Cynics) they remind themselves that they could lose them, but that this would not be a big deal, because those things are indifferent to one's moral character and value; iii) Stoics avoid becoming "connoisseurs," the kind of people who are so used to luxury and exoticism that they lose the ability to delight in the simple things in life.

I just want to take issue with only one aspect of this teaching: “they do their best to enjoy things that cannot be taken away from them, like their character.”

While both Christian and Stoic place a great emphasis on character, Christians would certainly feel uncomfortable with the admonition “to enjoy…their character.” Admittedly, we enjoy the fruits of a good character, but to “enjoy…their character” sounds a bit idolatrous.

Why? For one thing, it is an exercise in extreme self-deception. Honesty should humble us and not exalt us. Instead of acknowledging our sufficiency, honesty reveals our insufficiency, even our duplicity!

Consequently, we delight in perfection, in God’s perfection, but not in our own. This is no mere pedantic distinction. When we instead delight in ourselves, we become dependent and attached to our own personhood. We must see ourselves as having a good character and therefore depend on seeing the goodness in ourselves.

Interestingly, Stoics value self-examination and self-correction. However, if we delight in ourselves and then depend on this delight to carry us through the day, we will not be clear-minded about seeing our many faults and failings – something that is very painful but needful.

But yet, we need to have such a delight and a hope but not a delight that will interfere with our growth. However, by the wisdom of God, we can have both. If our delight, enjoyment, and hope are in God and not in ourselves, we can remain sober enough to see and judge ourselves as our delight in the One who loves us carries us along.

Carlton Pearson, Universalism, and the Denial of Sin

Life is endlessly challenging and also painful. How then do we make life livable? A popular solution is “self-love.” Universalist and former mega-church success-story, Carlton Pearson, claims that self-love has to be based on a god who is all-loving – one who would never un-love anyone:

• We are all sexual, sensual, social and spiritual beings. Finding our way through the long distance soul journey is an art, science and grace most struggle with all their lives. Sin consciousness, something Jesus never taught or encouraged, both prohibits and prevents self-love, something we must learn and re-learn to do, especially when we're brought up in a kind of "hate yourself" religious climate as many were and continue to be, whether, Christian, Jewish or Islamic.

Many Christians would have no idea what Pearson is talking about - “hate yourself religious climate.” Instead, we have found in Christ’s love and forgiveness the ultimate answer to self-contempt, assured that if He accepts us, we can begin to accept ourselves.

Instead, Pearson seems to think that once we become conscious of the enormity of our sin, we will automatically hate ourselves. Although this is a possibility when we fail to grasp the cross – the boundless extent of His love and forgiveness – denying sin consciousness is like denying physical infirmity consciousness. Instead, it’s important to know when we are sick so that we can do something about it. If the doctor tells me that I need cancer surgery, I would be foolish to deny it. Something worse would likely happen.

It’s also important that we have a conscience to tell us when we have sinned and hurt others. Maturity is a matter of owning our sin and confessing it. However, if we refuse to be conscious of our sins, they will merely fester as an untreated cancer, and our relationships will deteriorate.

I thank God for my sin consciousness and so does my wife. When I become impatient with my wife, I tell her that I am sorry and try to make it up to her. The effect is healing.

Pearson seems to be in denial about this very significant part of life and even the teachings of Jesus, claiming that “Sin consciousness [is] something Jesus never taught or encouraged.” This assertion is flagrantly off-base, as these few teachings from the Sermon on the Mount illustrate:

• “For I tell you that unless your righteousness surpasses that of the Pharisees and the teachers of the law, you will certainly not enter the kingdom of heaven. You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘You shall not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.’ But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to a brother or sister, ‘Raca,’ is answerable to the court. And anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell.” Matthew 5:20-22)

• “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.” (Mat. 5:27-30)

• “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven.  Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and in your name perform many miracles?’  Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!’” (Mat. 7:21-23)

All of this makes me wonder whether our endless quest for self-love is merely the self-centered perversion of our me-generation. Achieving self-love is certainly nothing that comes naturally, as even Pearson seems to admit: “Finding our way through the long distance soul journey is an art, science and grace most struggle with all their lives.”

Perhaps this generation has encountered so many problems in trying to achieve self-love because it is not attainable through Pearson’s “art, science.” Perhaps instead, it’s a gift that comes from Christ, as Jesus suggested:

• To the Jews who had believed him, Jesus said, “If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples.  Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” (John 8:31-32)

However, this gift of freedom does not come by denying sin but rather by confessing and turning from it, as so many millions have discovered. It comes from humbling ourselves to acknowledge our ugliness, only to find that we have been exalted in the process (Luke 18:14). I too have found great freedom in committing all of my sins, inadequacies, and failures to my Savior, who gladly receives them, shouldering my heavy burdens (Mat. 11:28-30).

In contrast, Pearson claims:

• Sin consciousness is something with which most hyper-religious people seem to be severely "afflicted" and must be treated as if it’s a life threatening disease. It causes more anxiety, fear and delusional thinking than most clinically diagnosed mental illnesses do.

Instead, it is the denied and untreated “disease” of sin that causes the “anxiety, fear and delusional thinking.” I know, because I spent years of my life talking to psychologists, all of whom told me that I was a good person and should love myself. However, we are not constructed in a way that we profit through false positive affirmations but through confronting the truth about ourselves – God’s truth.