Happiness depends on many factors, most prominently, nature
(genes) and nurture (early childhood experiences). However, there is a growing
consensus that the way we live also profoundly affects our mental well-being.
If we live for #1 and abuse others to get what we want, we
also abuse our conscience and must harden it so that it will not bite us. This
alienates us from both our own humanity and others. However, if we do good to
others, we reap satisfaction. One student confided that he used to go to work
with an unapproachable scowl between his ears, but then he began doing little
acts of kindness to lift the spirits of his co-workers. He now looks forward to
going to work.
There are many examples of positive things that can elevate
our mental well-being. This very obvious truth has been reaffirmed by countless
studies. Researcher Christopher Peterson therefore concludes:
- Giving
makes you feel good about yourself…giving puts meaning into your life. You
have a sense of purpose because you matter to someone. (Time, Jan. 17,
2005)
However, there are other positive things that we can do to
lift our spirits. University
of California
psychologist Sonja Lyubomirsky lists eight “satisfaction guaranteed” practical
suggestions:
- Count
your blessings.
- Practice
acts of kindness.
- Savor
life’s joys.
- Thank
a mentor.
- Learn
to forgive.
- Invest
time and energy in friends and family.
- Take
care of your body.
- Develop
strategies for coping with stress and hardships.
Eventually, I want to evaluate all of these suggestions, but
let’s start with “Count your blessings.” Lyubomirsky writes:
- One
way to do this is with a “gratitude journal” in which you write down three
to five things for which you are currently thankful – from mundane (your peonies
are in bloom) to the magnificent (a child’s first steps). Do this once a
week, say, on Sunday night. Keep it fresh by varying your entries as much
as possible. (Time)
It’s undeniable that gratitude and the positive thinking
that accompanies it will lift the mood. If you doubt it, just do a little
thought experiment. Meditate on a painful rejection. Then meditate about
someone who loves you. Different set of feelings, right?
However, we are also truth-seeking beings. It is therefore
difficult to take comfort in the one person who loves you when the rest of the
world rejects you. Likewise, it’s difficult to be grateful that “your peonies
are in bloom” if you are terminally ill and have no visitors.
In other words, we don’t have the ability to manipulate our
thought life without limit in hope of obtaining joyful feelings. Reality
imposes certain constrains upon our hopes and desires.
Consequently, the “gratitude journal” might yield some
immediate positive results, but if we aren’t convinced that we have something to be grateful about, the journal
will fall to the wayside along with many other self-help interventions.
Instead, gratitude is a powerful force if we are convinced
that there is a rational basis for gratefulness. Therefore, if we are terminally
ill but are convinced that our sins are forgiven and we are going to heaven, we
have a solid and unshakable basis for gratitude.
In conjunction with gratefulness, Lyubomirsky suggests “4.
Thank a mentor”:
- If
there’s someone whom you owe a debt of gratitude for guiding you at one of
life’s crossroads, don’t wait to express your appreciation – in detail
and, if possible, in person.
This can mean a lot to a “mentor,” and you will probably
take great pleasure in seeing how much it might mean to him/her. However, this
suggestion also has its limitations. For one thing, how many mentors can we
have? Not many.
Perhaps we can stretch things a bit and include many others into
this category of “mentor” or others for whom we are thankful. However, if begin
to express gratefulness, when we really aren’t grateful, we will probably begin
to feel like a hypocrite. After all, we would be using another person in a
disingenuous way for our own emotional well-being.
Of course, we do this type of thing all the time and justify
it, telling ourselves, “Well, I’m not hurting anybody. In fact, I’m making them
feel good about themselves.”
This is not entirely true. When we act deceptively, we know
it and undermine the very purpose of our deception – to feel better about ourselves.
Besides, people aren’t such fools. They can sense our manipulations and will
feel uncomfortable with them.
Instead, we must be genuine. However, there is a way to be
genuine and continuously thankful at the same time. If we are convinced that we
have a God who loves us and will never leave us and is working all things for
our benefit, we can be genuinely grateful.
We can also be grateful for the difficult people in our
lives. For one thing, as we get closer to God, our eyes open to the fact that we
too are difficult people. Therefore, knowing this and the forgiveness of God,
we cannot despise anyone. Rather, we can be grateful, knowing that our Lord
uses even the difficult people – not just the mentor - and difficult situations
to mold us into better people. Therefore, we can honestly tell our family
member, “I am grateful that you are in my life. OK, it hasn’t always been easy,
but I’ve learned a lot through you and trust that God has a purpose for putting
us together.”
I am glad that “positive psychology” has come to embrace the
very principles that are found in the Bible. However, they cannot receive the
full benefit of following these principles if they are not related to the
Savior. These principles are His principles and cannot be maximally applied
without Him.
Similarly, a chainsaw uses great amounts of oil. I found a
way to run my chainsaw on used motor oil, which didn’t cost me a cent. However,
eventually my chainsaw ground to a halt. It hadn’t been designed to use used
motor oil.
