When my mother passed, my wife and I were present. We promptly woke my Dad who came to her bedroom and wept. I was surprised. I had never seen my Father weep. Nor did I expect him to weep over my Mom. They simply never talked, and, when they did, it was to grumble against the other one.
I didn’t want my marriage to be like theirs. They were both anxious, irritable, negative, and critical, but I am the same way. I’ve also learned that these waters run deep, like roots that have penetrated into our very core and tenaciously resist our attempts to weed them out.
How so? I am often convinced that my wife is wrong and I am right, and then I feel frustrated as heck when I can’t get her to agree with me. Consequently, I leave seething with anger, bitterness, and discontent, and this can last for hours until forgiveness prevails.
While, by God’s grace, I have been enabled to see my faults, I still become bitter with my wife, but I don’t think the answer is to passively adopt a “mea culpa” attitude in regards to every disagreement or frustration. This strategy might be able to effectively address the bitterness, but an effective strategy should never blind us to truth.
How then can we receive and speak the truth in love without getting frustrated and embittered? Here are several thoughts:
We have to accept the fact that we cannot change our spouse. We might be able to sit our wife down for a talk, but we cannot expect her to see things our way and change according to our desires. We cannot even do that with ourselves. How then can we expect to have such power and influence over our wives! A better strategy - After speaking truth in love, commit your hopes to the Lord. Without Him, we cannot do anything of any spiritual value (John 15:4-5). Meanwhile, I have to accept my wife as the Lord accepts and loves me, despite my many flaws.
Seeing the big picture is Everything. We are able to endure homework assignments because we see the big picture. Consequently, we understand that our tedious study will yield fruits in the long run. Likewise, we need to remind ourselves that it is blessed to forgive and to apologize for any little thing we might have done to exacerbate the conflict for the sake of blessedness of reconciliation. To humble ourselves in this way is also pleasing to our Lord:
·
For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled,
and he who humbles himself will be exalted.” Luke 14:11 ESV)
The need to see the big picture plays out in many ways. My
wife and I fight over little things. They might be highly irritating at the
time, like when she addresses me in an accusatory tone or insists that I do
things in a certain way despite my protests for her to stop. And I walk away
angrily grumbling, “She’ll never change.”
When this happens, I develop tunnel-vision and can only see the negative and lose sight of the larger picture. This picture leaves out the fact that, whatever the circumstance, God is working it for our good (Romans 8:28) by molding us to be more like His Son. Besides, to grumble against my wife is also to grumble against the Lord and His provisions for my life (Ephesians 2:10).
My tunnel-vision also prevents me from seeing my wife as I should. If we have become one (Matthew 19:4-6), to hurt her is ultimately to hurt myself. To nurture her by speaking truth in love is also to best care for myself (Ephesians 5:25-29). Besides, this obedience is pleasing to our Lord.
I am a curmudgeon, and so lots of things irritate me, even my wife. However, she is also a great blessing. Recently, she had prayed that she could take upon herself some of my pains if that would relieve me of them. What love! How blessed I am to have this wife!
Besides, she is always ready to forgive and support me. While I might find some of her ways irritating, she is always there for me. How dare I lose sight of this greater picture!
Why am I revealing myself to you? I know that many of you share my struggles. Perhaps also you might be helped by the lessons that have helped me. But there is also another reason that I am writing. It is self-therapy. I want to drive this lesson deeper into me and to fully embrace these truths, God’s truths.
When this happens, I develop tunnel-vision and can only see the negative and lose sight of the larger picture. This picture leaves out the fact that, whatever the circumstance, God is working it for our good (Romans 8:28) by molding us to be more like His Son. Besides, to grumble against my wife is also to grumble against the Lord and His provisions for my life (Ephesians 2:10).
My tunnel-vision also prevents me from seeing my wife as I should. If we have become one (Matthew 19:4-6), to hurt her is ultimately to hurt myself. To nurture her by speaking truth in love is also to best care for myself (Ephesians 5:25-29). Besides, this obedience is pleasing to our Lord.
I am a curmudgeon, and so lots of things irritate me, even my wife. However, she is also a great blessing. Recently, she had prayed that she could take upon herself some of my pains if that would relieve me of them. What love! How blessed I am to have this wife!
Besides, she is always ready to forgive and support me. While I might find some of her ways irritating, she is always there for me. How dare I lose sight of this greater picture!
Why am I revealing myself to you? I know that many of you share my struggles. Perhaps also you might be helped by the lessons that have helped me. But there is also another reason that I am writing. It is self-therapy. I want to drive this lesson deeper into me and to fully embrace these truths, God’s truths.
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