SEEKING HAPPINESS IN THE WRONG PLACES

Cosmetic surgery is booming but not self-acceptance. According to Richard J. Poupard, a board-certified oral and maxillofacial surgeon, the real problem is not cosmetic but psychic:

·       So has the increase in cosmetic surgery that we have seen resulted in an increase in personal happiness? Not according to the available evidence. A recent study in Clinical Psychology Review compared college students from 1939 and 2007. The study showed a six-time increase in the number of students showing symptoms of depression and “anxiety and unrealistic optimism” in 2009 as compared to the students during the Great Depression era. Although there are no doubt a great many variables other than cosmetic surgery that influence such a large increase in depression, the evidence isolating cosmetic surgery is no more favorable. One study showed ten years after having a breast augmentation, there was a threefold increase in the number of suicides compared to women who did not have breast augmentation surgery. A review study from 2004 looked at psychological outcomes for patients who were seeking cosmetic surgery. They found that patients who were young, had unrealistic expectations, had a minimal deformity, had previous surgeries, were motivated by relationship issues, or had a history of depression or anxiety disorders were far more likely to feel worse after having cosmetic surgery. (Christian Research Journal)

From where then does self-acceptance come? To some extent, it comes from the family. However, many of us continue to struggle with self-contempt, even when coming from nurturing families.

I too was always looking for a “cosmetic” alteration, even though the change I sought wasn’t external. I had tried all sorts of therapies to change who I was into somebody more acceptable, more likeable. However, each attempt left me in greater despair.

It was only after I came to the assurance that God totally accepted me that I could begin to accept myself. The Apostle Paul also understood this and therefore prayed that we:

·       May have strength to comprehend… and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. (Ephesians 3:18-19)

Knowing this has given me the confidence and self-acceptance that I had lacked.

Can Jews be Anti-Semitic?

There is a strange and commonly observed phenomenon among Jews – a disdain for Israel. We see various indications of this. Here’s one I just read about:

·         Jewish students at Swarthmore College have become the first in the nation to break with the global student association Hillel and agree to open their doors to groups and speakers who do not support Israel. The Swarthmore student board unanimously voted to renounce Hillel International's restrictions, which bar chapters from sponsoring events, hosting speakers, or partnering with groups that oppose Israel's right to exist or support a movement for universities to end investments in Israel because of its policies toward the Palestinians.

Interesting, we don’t find this kind of thing among the Muslims. I experience this same phenomenon up close. Just last week, a Jewish woman – and she had visited Israel on numerous occasions but reflected an unbalanced sympathy for the Palestinian cause – expressed this disdain for Israel’s treatment of the Palestinians.

I tried to balance her disdain by presenting other factors – Muslim atrocities, suicide bombings, threats, resolve to exterminate Israel, and their unwillingness, under any terms, to accept Israel’s right to exist. I even pointed out that Arabs live in Israel under more favorable conditions than they do in their own Islamic countries.

However, she would have none of it and fired back, “I hold Israel to a higher standard.” I wanted to point out that her “higher standard” was nothing more than a double-standard – a violation of justice and fair-mindedness – but the words didn’t come to me at that moment. However, it started me thinking about this strange Jewish phenomenon.

Some would ascribe it to Jewish anti-Semitism, explaining that the Jews had absorbed this contempt from the surrounding society. However, this woman didn’t seem to suffer from self-contempt; nor did the many other Jews who have expressed similar opinions.

(I would imagine, perhaps wrongly, that the Jews of Germany could have done much to stop Hitler, but they didn’t. I lean toward this conclusion because I have observed so many Jewish groups in denial about the present threat of Islam and the mass-exodus of Jews from Western Europe because of Islamic violence. Instead, they are content to run programming about the Jews of Eastern Europe and the Holocaust and refuse to see the growing Holocaust in their present midst. I talked to one director of a local NYC Jewish group about this absence among their programs, and she blithely informed me that the Islamic threat just wasn’t part of their vision.)

How then do we account for this obviously self-destructive tendency?  I don’t sense that it is a matter of anti-Semitism but rather of pride – a special Jewish pride. I know something about this, because it had been Jewish pride that enabled me to accept myself in the midst of crippling feelings. When I felt bad, I would remind myself that I belonged to a great race of people – a people that had produced Einstein, Freud and 30% of the Nobel Prize recipients. It was this pride that enabled me to get out of bed in the morning.

However, I didn’t realize that I was paying a great price for this elixir. Pride, as with any psychological dependency, requires continual feeding or fixes. I had to continually remind myself of who I am and who my people are. I had to be superior and so also my people. I was not content that my people be as other people. They had to be superior. My ego and self-image depended on it! Consequently, Israel had to be better than the other nations, and when it was not, Jewish pride required that Israel pay the price of our censure. The Jews now unjustly indict Israel for failing to live up to the inflated standards that we require to maintain our self-esteem.

What then is the answer? Transparency, honesty, and a re-evaluation! We need to recognize our unjust double-standard and why we produced it. However, this is almost impossible. We remain stuck in darkness, our self-constructed prison – a darkness that blinds us to the surrounding dangers. God help us!

How the Gospel Frees Us from Psychological Oppression

Christianity is often pejoratively referred to as “dirty rotten sinner” religion. Our detractors will often say something like this:

• “Christians tend to be so guilt-ridden. They feel that they have to go through life degrading themselves in order to win God’s approval. I find that very depressing. Instead, I want a spirituality that’s positive, freeing and one that will make me feel good about myself.”

This type of reaction is very understandable. We all want to be happy, and it might seem that the Gospel is a one-way street into a medieval village where the Inquisition is diabolically entrenched, seeking to wipe away every smile. While it’s a hard sell to merely claim that the Gospel will set us free from so many of life’s torments, a story might prove helpful.

For the first few years that I was teaching Bible and Theology at the New York School of the Bible, I was assailed by such intense feelings of unworthiness, shame and self-contempt that they co-opted my thought-life. Driven by such powerful feelings, my self-doubts seemed to speak with unassailable authority: “You teach? What type of Christian are you anyway? You think you really have faith? Look how selfish and self-absorbed you are. How are you going to help anyone? What a charlatan, posing in the front of the class as some type of authority! What do you think their reaction would be if they really knew you?”

Devastated by these indictments, I wanted to disappear and to have the buildings of NYC implode over my head and swallow me up without a sign. Many times, I thought of calling my school to say, “Find yourselves someone else. I’m not your man.” But gradually, the Gospel began to take root.

In my longstanding pre-Christian struggle to attain some sense of significance and value, I’d ward off the shame and self-contempt through positive affirmations: “I’m a good person; no, I’m a vastly superior person. I’m _____, _____, _____, and more. I’m a once-in-a-lifetime person!” There was no end to the superlatives. In fact, I was always inventing new ones—whatever I needed to tell myself to keep the shame at bay. However, these never sufficed, and so I always needed to up the superlatives in order to overcome the ubiquitous feelings of shame.

However, as a Christian, I learned that it was wrong to engage in this form of masturbation. But I had to do something about the poisonous arrows of my own demons. I needed to prove myself, and now I had a new vehicle with which to do it. I would excel at spirituality! I would prove, at least to myself, that I was worthy of God’s grace.

I reassured myself that I was more deserving of salvation than others. I was more spiritual; I had chosen God because I wasn’t as carnal as 90% of the human race. I had the keenness of mind to recognize the surpassing value of the things of God, and I had a great destiny, not just in heaven, like all the other Christians, but I would also lead the way here.

However, God loves us too much to allow us to continue in our delusions. He closed my hand to all my dreams of spiritual accomplishment. Even more difficult to endure, I began to see my own poverty of spirit, my utter unworthiness. My levies were overwhelmed, and the demons of shame and self-contempt came roaring back. I feverishly sought to rebuild the levies with good works--anything that would tell me, “You’re OK!” In my torment, I began to read the Bible with new tear-filled eyes, hoping to find a God tucked within its pages who would be far more merciful than I ever dared to hope for.

Jesus told a parable about two men who entered the temple to pray one was a self-assured Pharisee, the other a broken sinner who lacked the confidence to even look up to heaven (Luke 18:9-14). I had become that broken sinner, now defenseless against the internal raging. I had been stripped of confidence and any sense that there was something about me that would merit even a glance from a holy God.

Paradoxically, this was the beginning of psychological freedom. I had been stripped bare of all my defenses, and for the first time in my life, gradually found that I didn’t need them. I could finally let go of my miserable fig leaves, because I was beginning to know a God who wanted to clothe me with His forgiveness, His righteousness, and His sanctification (1 Cor. 1:29-30). I was beginning to learn that I was complete in Him (Col. 2:9-10), not because of who I am, but because of who He is.

It took me a while to learn these lessons. The Bible was my thought-life foundation, but it seemed to say such contradictory things. On the one hand, it assured me that salvation, along with everything else I needed, was absolutely free. But then I observed that other verses seemed to say that God’s “gifts” also required some labor on my part. These “contradictions” first needed to be resolved before I could decisively confront my demons.

However slowly, that day did come. Now, when my demons accuse me of my failures and worthiness, I’m ready for them: “Satan, you’re right! I am totally unworthy to serve God, let alone to teach. I don’t deserve the slightest thing from Him. But I have an incredible God who is everything to me—my righteousness, my sanctification, and whatever else I need. He loves me with an undying love and will never leave me. It is He who has given me the privilege to serve Him by teaching. Besides, I’m so glad that I’ve been reminded of my unworthiness, because this just prompts me to be grateful, and makes me just want to sing His praises.”

Understanding the truths of Scripture becomes a wellspring of peace (Col. 2:1-4). I’m now rid of some baggage that had been too heavy to bear. As Jesus said, "If you abide in My word, you are My disciples indeed. And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free" (John 8:31-32). The truth has set me free—free from the need to defend myself, free from struggling to prove myself, free from shame and self-contempt, and free from the fear of failure. Well, not absolutely free, but free enough.

However, this freedom would never have come without seeing the depths of my unworthiness. Had I not come to this crushing point, I would never have discovered true grace, and without receiving this incredible grace, I never would have found the confidence to lay aside all the inner struggles and to finally accept the fact that I’m an utter sinner saved by grace.

Not everyone’s experience is as intense as mine was, but we all have a conscience that tells us things we don’t want to hear, and we all attempt to beat it down one way or another (Romans 1:18-21). We all yearn to prove ourselves and resort to self-deception to accomplish this.

This isn’t merely a Biblical point of view; this is the prevailing view of psychology. Shelley Taylor writes,

As we have seen, people are positively biased in their assessments of themselves and of their ability to control what goes on around them, as well as in their views of the future. The widespread existence of these biases and the ease with which they can be documented suggests that they are normal.[1] 46

They might be “normal,” but dependency on self-delusions, the product of self-righteousness, ultimately produces a loss of mental flexibility, not freedom and joy. As paradoxical as it might seem, the road to freedom compels us on a humbling journey through “valley of the shadow of death” (Psalm 23), where our old armor and defenses are stripped away so that we can be re-clothed in splendor. No wonder Jesus tells us, “For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted" (Luke 18:14).

How then do we come to this place of assurance of God’s grace in the face of our spiritual brokenness? It’s not possible on our own. Jesus had taught emphatically against the idea of self-salvation (Mat. 19:26; John 3:3; John 6:44). However, He made it equally clear that spiritual growth is also impossible without His involvement (John 15:4-5). Knowing this, we have to trust Him to perform for us the humanly-impossible and to cry out for His intervention.

Spiritual desperation is a lens that brings grace into fine-focus. It’s this mourning that sharpens our eyes to the reality of grace (Mat. 5:3-4; Psalm 25:8-9; 14-15). But what if we don’t see our neediness? We have to embrace the prayer of David:

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting (Psalm 139:23-24).

Trust Him in this. He has promised to reveal to us our spiritual deficiencies as He also did for the churches of the Book of Revelation:

I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you. Only let us live up to what we have already attained (Philip. 3:14-16).

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[1] Shelley E. Taylor, Positive Illusions (New York: Basic Books, Inc, 1989) 46.

The Bible as God’s Word: A Little Bit of Proof

Many ask me to prove that the Bible is God’s Word. Not wanting to downplay the evidence, I usually say:

• Well, there many types of proof – fulfilled prophecy, miracles, changed lives and societies, wisdom, internal and external consistency, and the very nature of the Bible.

This usually elicits a burst of invectives. However, if the inquirer seems serious, I might attempt to share with them one family of proofs. One of my favorites is the wisdom of Scripture – how it provides us with the very truths we need to navigate this often exasperating sojourn we call “life.” It’s a wisdom intelligently designed to optimally meet our needs and those of society. Here are just a few of the many examples of how Scripture psychologically gave me exactly what I needed.

I am always second-guessing myself, wondering, “Did I say the right thing? ...Did I say it with the wrong motives? … Could I have said it more effectively?” Although this perfectionistic preoccupation can promote self-improvement, it can also drive us crazy. I needed to lay it aside before it laid me out, and the Holy Spirit did this for me through applying Scripture to my life:

• I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. (Galatians 2:20)

What a relief! My failures were no longer my own. They belonged to my Savior who promised that He would work all things for my good (Rom. 8:28), even my worst failures and nightmares, my worst humiliations! I was now free to fail. Not that failures no longer hurt, but I now know who will lift me out of my discouragement (1 Cor. 10:12-13), and He has proved this to me repeatedly. Consequently, Biblical truth allows me to constructively face my challenges without being overwhelmed by them.

We are also self-obsessed with questions of our goodness and worthiness. One of the greatest threats to our psychological well-being is the dread of not being worthy. This might take the form of a deep and abiding sense of shame, insecurity or inadequacy. We might even worry that we are not even worthy of God. Therefore, it is such a relief to realize that none of us are worthy. We are all sinners who need the Savior:

• "There is no one righteous, not even one; there is no one who understands, no one who seeks God. All have turned away, they have together become worthless; there is no one who does good, not even one." (Romans 3:10-12) 

This had certainly been true of me. Even though I attempted to suppress this truth of my moral inadequacy before God, it would continue to resurface to my great shame. I tried to beat back the ugly truth with assertions that I was really a good and loving person. I was engaged in a costly war with myself, and the result was desperation and depression.

Instead of deriving my sense of worthiness or adequacy from myself, I needed to find it from another source, and Scripture informed me that Jesus is that source:

• God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God. (2 Cor. 5:21) 

I could begin to accept the fact that I am entirely unworthy, because, in the eyes of my Savior, I am now entirely righteous. I could now face the once-shaming truths about myself and take responsibility for my behavior, because I have been assured of my ultimate worth before Him!

My wife can now charge me with being insensitive, and I can readily apologize. We’re restored! Others can regard me as unworthy, but that’s okay because I am now defined, not by what others might think, but by what my Savior thinks.

For the longest time, I had been feeling condemned. Even after Christ came into my life, I still had that sense. My feelings were so forceful that everything else – even Scripture – appeared as merely hollow words in comparison. I felt that even God condemned me! Finally, however, Scripture broke through, took hold of my self-contempt and torn it apart, like a lion tearing apart red meat. What a consolation it has been to learn that:

• Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. (Romans 8:1) 

This taught me conclusively that my feelings of condemnation and rejection had nothing to do with God rejecting me, but just my own aberrant reactions! I could now laugh at these once terrifying feelings, knowing that they have nothing to do with my ultimate status! It’s like receiving a letter saying that there has been a warrant issued for your arrest. However, upon reading it more closely, you find that the letter is actually addressed to someone else.

Many say, “Well, I’m glad Christ worked for you, but many find consolation through psychotherapy.” I didn’t. I had seen five highly recommended psychologists, and each left me worse off that I was before.

Yes, they all affirmed that I was “okay,” but I could never believe them. I knew what my feelings were telling me, and they talked with a greater authority than the psychologists. I just knew I wasn’t “okay.”

Besides, their affirmations rolled off my back as if it was made of Teflon. Perhaps this was because I had been giving myself false affirmations all my life. I told myself I was the greatest but actually felt that I was the least. After a while, these affirmations became no more than an addiction. I needed them but got little out of them. However, having believed them – and this distorted my thinking and perceptions - they alienated me from reality, wisdom, and honest relationship. Because I perceived the world through my distorted self-affirmations, I also regarded others through this grid. They were either superior or inferior to me. If they were seen as “superior,” I resented them. If “inferior,” I disdained them.

However, these affirmations bore little resemblance to reality, while I subsequently found that the Biblical affirmations brought me in touch with a deeper reality. Now, perceiving myself as an object of God’s mercy, I began to regard others with mercy.

Besides, our sense of okay-ness requires more than the affirmation of other people. They all say different things, and every experience - every success and every failure – sings a different song. Which was I to believe? Therefore, to base my worth on either the opinions of others or on my socially approved accomplishments meant that my worth was like the stock market – booming, crashing, and the cause of constant instability and insecurity.

Not only does Scripture tell us what to believe, it tells us what to avoid. It is not simply that certain acts are regarded as “sin.” These acts also destroy. Sin is worse than eating junk food. The latter just destroys the body. Sin destroys everything about us. It contaminates our thinking and passions (Rom. 1:21-32). For one thing, as a result of sin, we carry around unresolved guilt and shame. We even project our shame and self-contempt on others, convinced that others regard us in the same way we feel about ourselves. However, Scripture relieves us of these blinding burdens we carry:

• If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives. (1 John 1:9-10) 

Instead, we often try to cover over this problem with a variety of palliatives – successes, sex, drugs, popularity. However, there is nothing that gives the relief and cleansing the way that confession does.

What makes the affirmations of Scripture so powerful – so life transforming? For one thing, they illuminate what had been shadowy and confusing. Once I began to understand myself in its light, I found that I began to understand others. With the assurance of God’s love and forgiveness, I could begin to face myself. As I saw my needs and insecurities – I had previously run from these and denied them – I could also see those of other people. As I began to face my denials and rationalizations, I began to understand the same defensive maneuverings I saw in others. As I received God’s compassion for me, I could more readily extend it to others.

While Scripture is foolishness and contemptible to the one whose eyes haven’t been opened (1 Cor. 2:14), it is the scalpel in the hand of the Holy Spirit. It cuts deeply to remove malignant tumors (Heb. 4:12) – attitudes and ideas that fail to accord with holiness. Such cuts are always painful (Heb. 12:5-11), but they identify and remove cancers that threaten well-being. They expose jealousy. However, they also provide the perfect antidote:

• All things are yours, whether Paul or Apollos or Cephas or the world or life or death or the present or the future--all are yours. (1 Cor. 3:21-22)

In light of God’s assurances that He wants to eternally give us the world, jealousy had to take a back seat. And I had been jealous, even of the spiritual successes of others, convinced that they would receive heavenly reward and recognition, and I wouldn’t. However, Scripture assures us that all of God’s people are one, and “all things” would be ours. We had become joint heirs with our Savior (Rom. 8:17).

This is just what I needed to know. This truth stomped all the vitality out of my jealousy. I now rejoice as others rejoice!

Westerners have invented a new god, a god who is non-judgmental and non-punitive. Momentarily, this god might feel comfortable. However, once we have suffered victimization, our thoughts turn to justice, even revenge. Therefore, it is so liberating to know that we have a God who cares deeply about justice:

• If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord. On the contrary: "If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink” [ Proverbs 25]…Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. (Romans 12:18-21)

It is only because we have the assurance that God will bring justice (also through the legal systems He has ordained – Rom. 13:1-4) that we can devote ourselves to love. It is also because we know the undeserved love of God for us! Without this knowledge, revenge would become a way of life.

When I read about the estimated 170,000 Christians being murdered yearly simply because they are Christians, I want to grab a machine gun or suicide belt and right the wrongs. But my Lord informs me that He has a better way. He’ll deal with it! Instead, I should pray, love my enemies, and address the wrongs with righteous means. How liberating and personally enhancing!

This represents just a small sampling of the ways that God and His truth has infiltrated to bring us new life. Volumes can be written on this subject. Jesus had taught:

• "If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." (John 8:31-32)

Not only has He set us free from sin and its various penalties. He has also set us free from so many things that have kept me in prison – fears, lusts, rationalizations, denials, addiction to self-affirmations, and many forms of self-deceptions.