Only Christ can give us the resources we need to break through denial to restore our relationships. Let me try to demonstrate this with the example of marriage. Although marriage can be
perplexing, frustrating, and deeply troubling, according to the Bible, the
answers are very clear-cut:
- Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. (Ephes. 4:31-32)
Interestingly, even secular therapists now agree with this
prescription! However, this raises the question, “If it’s really so easy, why
do we continue to have such problems with our mates?”
Clearly, there is resistance or impediments to
implementing this clear prescription. For one thing, we really don’t want to
implement it and are able to produce many reasons for this:
- I’m not getting out of this relationship what I’m putting into it.
- I’m not getting my 50%.
- I’m doing all the changing. My mate will never change.
- S[he] isn’t worth it!
- I can do better elsewhere!
In short, we tell ourselves, “My mate is unworthy of me!”
Of course, if we believe this way, it will be difficult to continue to love and
cherish.
However, perhaps we are spiritually blind. Perhaps we are
not seeing clearly. Perhaps we have a distorted view of our mate. Psychologist
Aaron Beck claims that blindness is the substance of a troubled marriage:
- “Typically each partner in a distressed marriage believes that he or she has made the most adjustments…[and] has given more to satisfy the mate’s needs than they have received.”, Love is never Enough, 77)
One revealing study separately asked husbands and wives,
“What percent of the housework do you do?” Often, the husbands answered “50%,”
while the wives answered “95%.” What a testimony to our inflated estimation of
our contributions! How then can we resolve our problems if we can’t even agree
on the facts!
The Bible agrees that blindness is typical:
- All a man's ways seem right to him, but the Lord weighs the heart. (Proverbs 21:2; 16:2; 20:6; 30:12)
If this is the case, then blindness is highly damaging to
our relationships. It means that problem solving – working through
disagreements – is almost impossible. Therefore, trying to correct our mate can
become an obstacle course with live bullets. In fact, we tend to be so blind
that, according to Jesus, we shouldn’t even attempt to correct someone else:
- "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,' when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.” (Luke 6:41-42)
We have inserted a
plank into our eye, blinding ourselves to whom we really are – our faults and
failures. In our denial and refusal to see our culpability, our spouse becomes
the “bad guy” – the sole cause of our marital problems.
Our plank conveniently enables us to think that we are the
“good one.” However, denial kills relationships. It creates distance and
hopelessness. Nevertheless, there is hope. If we accept ourselves as we truly
are – especially those ugly parts – we can begin to appreciate our mates.
A thought-experiment might help to illustrate this hope.
Just imagine that you had been sentenced to a long prison term for child
molestation. Consequently, all of your friends and associates abandoned you, except
for your mate. Now imagine that you were going to be discharged early because
of your terminal illness and your mate is glad to receive you back and to care
for you. Would you now be willing to overlook all of the disappointments and
frustrations of married life? Would you now fully forgive and cherish? A drop
in our self-esteem can produce wonders. Our mate once again looks beautiful.
We are tragically blind about our unworthiness. We live in
denial about our bad traits and inflate our good and have little appetite for
the truth about ourselves. Instead, we have convinced ourselves that we are kings.
Therefore, we will not be satisfied with anything less that a perfect Queen.
However, after we have been disgraced, we become grateful for our
less-than-perfect spouse. (I should mention that old thinking-patterns die
slowly!)
However, facing the truth about ourselves is the last
thing in the world we’d choose to do. Jesus claimed that we hate this light:
- This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but men loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. (John 3:19-20)
If we hate the light, it means that we can’t bear the
truth about ourselves. No wonder problem-solving eludes us and self-acceptance
is harder to attain than a trip to Jupiter. If we are in denial about ourselves
and our contribution to our marital problems, then any attempt to force us to
see will be met with great resistance.
What then is the cure? Simply Jesus! As we grow in Him and
the assurance of His love and forgiveness, we can pass this along in our
marriage. As we come to know His acceptance of us, we can begin to accept our
mate. With our growing assurance, we can begin to let down our guards and
confront the ugly truth about ourselves. We also have to always remember from
where God has brought us so that we’d be grateful and faithful (Titus 3:3-8).
I am a recovering cave-dweller – a light-hater. However,
as I’ve grown to tolerate, even to love the painful light – and this humbles me
– I’ve also grown to be grateful for my wife. Consequently, I’m quicker to pass
over irritations and disappointments and more ready to love and cherish.
I also try to
regard myself as terminally ill – and I am - and, if not a child molester, as
someone equally undeserving, who, in truth, I am. My wife may not be a queen.
However, with each passing day, her crown becomes more apparent.
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