Self-pity is a common problem. While it has an immediate
payoff – self-righteous anger and an entitling victimhood identity – it is
almost universally recognized as self-destructive. New Age pundit Eckhart Tolle
recognizes this truth:
·
Discontent, blaming, complaining, self-pity
cannot serve as a foundation for a good future, no matter how much effort you
make.
Writer Martha Beck also commented:
·
As I obsess about my ancient problems, I feel
more like I'm sinking in quicksand than lighting a torch. I'm creating neither
heat nor light, just the icky, perversely pleasurable squish of self-pity
between my toes. My only defense is that I'm not the only one down here in the
muck - our whole culture is doting on tales of personal tragedy.
This is hardly a defense. Even if self-pity is universal, it
is still a poison to be avoided. However, it can be deeply entrenched. Writer Joyce
Meyer warns that helping those imprisoned by self-pity might even be counter-productive
and enabling:
·
If someone decides they're not going to be
happy, it's not your problem. You don't have to spend your time and energy
trying to cheer up someone who has already decided to stay in a bad mood.
Believe it or not, you can actually hurt people by playing into their
self-pity.
How do we play into their self-pity? By giving the suffering
what they want – more pity – rather than what they need! What do they need?
Ultimately, it is an eternal hope!
However, I would recommend that we start by entering into
their suffering, showing them that we are willing to be there with them,
listening and caring. However, they also have to be willing to accept the
doctor’s medicine. If not, there is little that the doctor can do, and he has
to explain this firmly to his patient.
What is the medicine that we must administer to the sufferer? The counsel of the Scriptures! Firstly, that we all suffer:
What is the medicine that we must administer to the sufferer? The counsel of the Scriptures! Firstly, that we all suffer:
·
No temptation has overtaken you that is not
common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your
ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that
you may be able to endure it. Therefore, my beloved, flee from idolatry. (1
Corinthians 10:13-14 ESV)
Even though our Lord will rescue us, we still have a role to
play. We have to flee from idolatry and sin. Self-pity is a sin. It is a denial
that our Lord is in charge and is working everything together for our good
(Romans 8:28), even suffering:
·
And have you forgotten the exhortation that
addresses you as sons? “My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the
Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him. For the Lord disciplines the one he
loves, and chastises every son whom he receives”…For the moment all discipline
seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of
righteousness to those who have been trained by it. (Hebrews 12:5-6, 11)
Trials and suffering are actually good things. By the Holy
Spirit, they mold us into what He wants us to be. Therefore, we are
·
persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but
not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life
of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being
given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be
manifested in our mortal flesh. (2 Corinthians 4:9-11)
No pain, no gain. To wallow in self-pity is to deny the
Biblical revelation of God’s purposes. It is to deny God’s promises to us:
·
…For all things are yours, whether…world or life
or death or the present or the future—all are yours, and you are Christ’s, and
Christ is God’s. (1 Corinthians 3:21-23; Col. 2:8-10)
We are already indescribably wealthy and privileged. To hold
to self-pity denies these truths. However, it is one thing to be tempted to
feel sorry for ourselves, which all of us are, but it’s another to embrace
self-pity. Most importantly, our blessings extend into all eternity:
·
He [our Savior] will wipe away every tear from
their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor
crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” (Revelation
21:4)
Therefore, we have a compelling reason to endure the
sufferings that this life throws at us. Jesus established the pattern for us
when He endured His own suffering:
·
…let us also lay aside every weight, and sin
which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set
before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for
the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is
seated at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured from
sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or
fainthearted. (Hebrews 12:1-3)
Jesus endured by looking to His future joy. We must do the
same. We all are tempted to dwell upon our problems, pains, weaknesses, and
failings. However, we are to take them to the Lord and to leave them with Him:
·
Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty
hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your
anxieties on him, because he cares for you. Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your
adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to
devour. (1 Peter 5:6-8)
When we indulge in self-pity, we are being devoured by the
devil. Instead, we cannot carry such
a burden; nor did God intend us to carry them. Instead, He encourages us to
cast our cares upon Him.
A person who refuses
to embrace these truths insists on carrying these burdens to their own
destruction. Therefore, there is little else we can do. There is a time to quit
and to move on.
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