WHY I SUFFER

 

 

Usually, I awake in a state of darkness and threat. I am not saying that I do not experience this at other times. However, I am most keenly aware of this when I awake.

 

I don’t call it depression, since I know what it is like after experiencing severe depression for decades. Nevertheless, it is my almost constant companion, whom I now welcome.

 

Why? The answer became quite clear to me this morning, when I awoke without experiencing the dread. As a result, I hardly prayed. Nor did I shed tears of joy as I recalled God’s love for me and how He has miraculously rescued me from my many cliff-hangers. Instead, I pursued my work without hardly a word with my Savior and lover.

 

This is why I have refused to take any mood-lifting medications. Instead, I have chosen the ups-and-downs of a relationship with Him where I have been forced to find His comfort:

 

·       It is good for me that I was afflicted, that I might learn your statutes. The law of your mouth is better to me than thousands of gold and silver pieces. (Psalm 119:71-72)

 

It has been through the pain of helplessness and vulnerability that I have learned to trust in Him, as the Apostle Paul had learned:

 

·       For we do not want you to be unaware, brothers, of the affliction we experienced in Asia. For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will deliver us again. (2 Corinthians 1:8-10)

 

I will not blame you for taking meds. We all must make this decision for ourselves. In my last days, I too might resort to whatever comfort they might offer (Proverbs 31:6). But, for now, I will cling to my God alone, who has been my constant Friend and Teacher.