Growth requires scrupulous self-examination. In The Good Life: Seeking Purpose, Meaning, and
Truth in your Life, Charles Colson, a Nixon hit-man, had written that the
way up is the way down by taking full
responsibility for our lives and the wrongs we have committed. He wrote:
·
If we can’t accept our own failure and sin, then
we can never escape it. Paradoxically, we can find the good life only when we
understand we aren’t good. Denial of evil always produces tragedy, in our own
lives and in the community at large. We have to understand the evil in
ourselves before we can truly embrace the good in life. (33)
It is painful to encounter our evil. It makes us feel
unworthy, vulnerable, and even condemned. However, once we learn how to accept
ourselves, we can begin to accept others, but we face many obstacles. One set
of obstacles is our beliefs, which often keep us in denial. Colson had written
revealingly about his experiences in the center of the White House:
·
One of the little-remarked-on phenomena of the
Nixon White House, which I believe had a great deal to do with the Watergate
scandal, is that many of Nixon’s top advisers were Christian Scientists. The
president’s chief of staff, Bob Haldeman, and domestic advisor, John
Ehrlichman, among them…I have known people who live very decent, upright lives
as Christian Scientists [CS]. Still, there’s one big flaw in their belief
system—that evil is an illusion, that there is no sin or evil, that evil simply
isn’t real unless we allow it to invade our minds. (32)
To exemplify the problem, Colson cites one of the CS Watergate
burglars:
·
Egil Krogh, after explaining the laws he broke
and the crimes of which he was found guilty, said: “But the truth is, I was
never really guilty. The human experience indicated that I went through this
life experience: working for Nixon, going through all that stuff…But the
fundamental idea was that my innocence had never, ever been touched. To explain
it clearly, honestly, and do the best I can within the human context, my innocence
became clearer as I went through it. By understanding my innocence, I was able
to take the steps necessary to take responsibility for my actions…My spiritual
nature never changed.”
Colson understood this as a classic case of denial, a source
of tragedy. However, it might be the hardest thing in the world to confront our
evil. We tend to repress it and make excuses for it, mainly by blaming others
for our failures and disappointments. However, this creates conflict. I’m not only
talking about conflict with others but also conflict within ourselves. This is
because we know the truth about ourselves, our guilt and shame, but have
condemned ourselves to an endless struggle to suppress and excuse them.
However, this confrontation with our dark-side and evil
deeds is the road to freedom. To judge others without first judging ourselves
is both spiritual blindness and hypocrisy:
·
“Why do you see the speck that is in your
brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can
you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is
the log [blindness] in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of
your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your
brother’s eye.” (Matthew 7:3–5)
Jesus taught, contrary to the “wisdom” of our day, that scrupulous
self-examination must precede judging others, no matter how painfully humbling
this can be:
·
“Whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and
whoever humbles himself will be exalted.” (Matthew 23:12)
The persistent need to exalt and to prove ourselves morally worthy is bondage. Instead, to humble ourselves to the painful truth is to be free of it:
·
“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is
the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be
comforted. Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. Blessed are
those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.
Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy. Blessed are the pure in
heart, for they shall see God.” (Matthew 5:3-8)
But how can we believe ourselves to be pure in heart as we
continue to perceive the reality of our dark-side? It is only because there is
complete forgiveness and cleansing in Jesus (1 John 1:9-10):
·
“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden,
and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle
and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy,
and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28–30)
I was never able to confront my own evil. Instead, I had
learned from my psychologists to believe in myself through positive affirmations.
This meant that I had to accentuate my positives and to repress my negatives or
to blame my parents and society for them. However, this just intensified my
inner struggle and denied me of any possibility of integration and
self-acceptance.
It was only as I became convinced that Jesus loved, forgave, and accepted me that I could begin to accept myself with all of my warts. Before this, I could not feel at all comfortable around my dad, feeling that he didn’t accept me.
It was only as I became convinced that Jesus loved, forgave, and accepted me that I could begin to accept myself with all of my warts. Before this, I could not feel at all comfortable around my dad, feeling that he didn’t accept me.
However, as I began to accept myself, I no longer required my
dad to accept me. Instead, I also began to accept him, his failings, and to
appreciate him in spite of these.
2 comments:
Very well stated. The human way is to excuse our or other’s bad behavior as “ the way it is supposed to be” the course of miracles called sin ego to sugar coat it. Bad things that happen to us are only an illusion. I don’t know how they convince themselves of that but it is probably better than admitting how bad the world is in their minds. They think they are hero’s in the world recusing people from any guilt by saying there is no sin ir wrong doing.
Theresa, So true! Maturity requires us to face our sins head-on and to take full responsibility for them. Besides, that is the only to make our relationships work--to humbly confess them.
Our regards to Mark and the rest of your family!
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