Wednesday, December 21, 2011

"Merry Christmas" - Verbotten!

My Dear Wormbottom,

I know that you will be delighted to hear of our latest victory:

• Members of the House of Representatives have been banned from using the phrase “Merry Christmas” in any “franked,” or taxpayer-funded, correspondence to their constituents, but have been told that “Happy Holidays” is permissible. A December 12 memo from the Franking Commission Staff reported by the Washington Examiner noted that the “Franking Manual” already bans using taxpayer-funded postage for correspondence whose sole purpose is to mark special occasions such as birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, births, retirements, or holidays. This year, however, members are being told that even in correspondence sent for otherwise legitimate purposes, the phrase “Merry Christmas” cannot be used. The ban extends to any e-mail, website, or social media posting that uses “official resources,” according to the memo.

I have to congratulate you on your brilliant strategy of separating our beloved secularism from the other banal religions. It’s really worked! No one now thinks of our beliefs of materialism, multi-culturalism, religious pluralism, moral-relativism, and naturalism as a “religion.” This glorious strategy has enabled us to demote and marginalize all of the other religions while ours successfully operates under the radar.

I am certainly not complimenting you too highly when I say that it had been your brilliance that has engineered and guided this strategy. Who else had foreseen that the First Amendment, forbidding the establishment of one national religion, could have been distorted in such a way as to keep all the other religions out of public sight, while ours reigns unquestioned!

And you were right – nobody even pays attention to the second phrase of the First Amendment:

• Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, OR PROHIBITING THE FREE EXERCISE THEREOF…

And this is exactly what your strategy has enabled us to do – to prohibit “the free exercise thereof,” by prohibiting those hypocritical congressmen from sending out their manipulative little Christmas greetings. They care no more about Christmas than we do.

Who would have thought, just several decades ago, that your strategy would have produced such delectable fruits! I can now walk comfortably down the street without concern that anyone will wish me a “Merry Christmas.” In fact, we have pulled the strings so effectively that even Christians now feel twinges of guilt when they even try to articulate those two hated words.

However, this is just symptomatic of our greater victory. It has now become illegitimate, even in their own minds, to drag any vestige of their faith into the public domain. While we can push evolution in every nature presentation, we can yell “foul” whenever they try to bring out any evidence against this idiotic dogma. It has been because of your strategy that we have been so successful in silencing any opposition by invoking “separation between church and state.”

Yes, I am aware that you don’t like us to refer to evolution as “idiotic,” but it is. Nevertheless, I agree with you that it’s the best God-substitute on the market. I can’t even imagine a better one. With this clever alternative to God, we have been able to jam moral-relativism down the throats of every school child.

We started by using “values clarification” exercises. These were able to subtly teach the children that there are no right answers – that morality was just a matter of clarifying and understanding their own subjective feelings and choices.

Once again, our successes all come back to your initial strategy. We were able to convince the ignorant public that we weren’t teaching another religion, one in direct opposition to their own, but were merely helping their little darlings to better make moral choices.

Of course, we also sold this program by claiming that it would teach tolerance for other points of view. Brilliant, eh? They failed to see that, in the process, we were actually teaching intolerance for their system of absolute moral law.

Well, these ignorant fools deserve just what they are getting. Perhaps someday, they will look back and thank us for liberating them from their superstitions. In fact, I’ve already heard many glowing testimonials!

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