In “Made for Friendship,” Drew Hunter reintroduces us to the often-overlooked
importance of friendship:
• Gregory of Nazianzus and Basil the Great were early church fathers and
well-known theologians. But they were also best friends. Their friendship
endured through distance and even significant relational challenges. Gregory
once wrote to Basil, “The greatest benefit which life has brought me is your
friendship.” He also wrote, “If anyone were to ask me, ‘What is the best thing
in life?’ I would answer, ‘Friends.’” We know the Reformation-launching Martin
Luther, but his friends also knew him for his “table talk”—his lively doctrinal
discussions around the dinner table.
The Apostle Paul also appreciated the joys of friendship. I would imagine that
his attachments had enriched and even enabled his ministry:
• Indeed [Epaphroditus] was ill, near to death. But God had mercy on him, and
not only on him but on me also, lest I should have sorrow upon sorrow. I am the
more eager to send him, therefore, that you may rejoice at seeing him again,
and that I may be less anxious. (Philippians 2:27-28)
We feel uncomfortable about such expressions of friendship lest it might be
perceived as a homosexual advance or attachment. However, Hunter points out
that many giants of the faith had no such problem with this:
• We might think of John Calvin pondering great thoughts at a lonely desk, but
“a close study of Calvin’s career reveals that friendships were the joy of his
life.” Addressing two of his closest friends, he wrote, “I think that there has
never been, in ordinary life, a circle of friends so sincerely bound to each
other as we have been in our ministry.”
However, today there seems to be an obvious lack of such intimate and
sustaining friendships. Numerous surveys have noted the growth of loneliness
and its dire costs. According to a recent survey, most people do not have an
intimate confidant. Why? A consensus emerged that it was largely about shame.
People are ashamed to open up and to be exposed, but why would this now become
epidemic?
Earlier studies have indicated that this kind of alienation has never been so
prevalent. It seems that it is harder to now accept ourselves, and therefore to
allow others in. Instead, we are now more likely to wear an impenetrable
façade, which we only expose to the friend-substitute - our psychotherapist. We
cannot bear the thought of others seeing us the way we really are.
What has changed? Don’t we now live in a society that is more accepting of
weaknesses and differences? Well, I have a theory about this. I think that we
now have a greater difficulty in accepting ourselves because we have abandoned
the love and acceptance of God. Without Him, we are now left to fend for
ourselves. We are therefore burdened with the task of loving and believing in
ourselves. However, this generally means that we have to lie to ourselves – to
deny the dark side and to inflate the good.
We are in hiding, even from ourselves. We resolve our disagreements by always
concluding that the other guy is wrong. Instead, of receiving the all-defining
affirmations that come from the love of God, we are in desperate need of the
affirmations that come from others and from our “successes.” We also become
social justice warriors to fill the emptiness.
If we are so needful of these affirmations, how then can we allow our
brokenness and shame to be seen!
As a result, the fertile seedbed of friendship has been cemented shut, and
transparency has become an endangered species. If we cannot be real with
ourselves, how can we be real with others! Our defensive masks remain in place,
and it is difficult to relate meaningfully and comfortably to a mask.
To fill the emptiness, we join meetup groups, but our mask remains unmovable.
We also become workaholics and seek out non-threatening distractions.
Pastors are particularly vulnerable to loneliness. Their congregation regards
them as almost god-like, and they feel the burden to keep up that image.
We can no longer be vulnerable and broken. However, once we believe that our
brokenness is beautiful in the eyes of our Savior, our brokenness can begin to
be beautiful even to us:
• The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many
are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them
all. (Psalm 34:18-19)
There is also a subsidiary benefit. Once we can accept our own brokenness, we
can also begin to accept the suffering of others.
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