How should we regard ourselves? The answer to this question
will affect everything else in our lives. I never thought myself likeable.
Therefore, I was assured I had to become like others in order to be liked, let
alone loved. Therefore, I studied their words and movements so I could become
like them in a vain attempt to feel that others would like me.
Of course, any such change was superficial and failed to counteract
my problem. Even when I’d succeed in making friends, I feared that they would
only be short-lived. Therefore, I’d remain painfully self-conscious and fearful.
Finally, I was given a gift that was able to penetrate
deeply enough to break through and to neutralize my life-controlling insecurity
– the love of Jesus Christ! If He loved and accepted me as I was, then the
acceptance of others became secondary, or even tertiary.
But what did He think of me? Would He only love me if I
proved worthy of His love by being good enough for Him? Would He abandon me once
I proved unworthy? How good did I have to be?
To trust God, I needed to better understand Him. How deep
was His love for me? Would He continue to bear with me despite my many
failures? In many ways, my understanding of the Scriptural revelation of His
identity thrust me into confusion. It informed me that I was a new creation (2
Corinthians 5:17), but I was unable to see this about myself. Jesus also taught
that my righteousness had to exceed that of the scribes and Pharisees (Matthew
5:20), but I knew that I couldn’t pass this test.
I tried to fortify myself with positive and grandiose affirmations
about my spiritual worthiness. I also attempted to perform many good deeds to
convince myself and others of my goodness. However, I could never outrun what
my heart had been telling me. I was unworthy of God’s love.
I crashed and began to pray, “God, is there any hope for
someone like me?” Since I had no other place to turn, it was Jesus or nothing.
I had failed myself, and my five highly recommended had utterly failed me. If
God wasn’t going to help me, I knew that there was no other source of hope.
Therefore, this broken skeptic combed the Scriptures looking for a hope that
this God might continue to love me and take care of me. Over the years, I became
convinced the answer is in Jesus, and that my suffering was actually a blessing
to bring me closer to my Savior:
·
But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to
show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted
in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair;
persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying
in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be
manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death
for Jesus’ sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal
flesh. (2 Corinthians 4:7–11)
However, through our ordeals, He has promised to be there
for us:
·
“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden,
and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am
gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke
is easy, and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28–30)
I needed His rest for my tormented soul. He is “gentle and
lowly” and willing to provide His peace. Therefore, He has never cast away any
who have come to Him (John 10:37). He promises to use all our weaknesses and
pains to create something beautiful (Ephesians 2:10)
On the outside, we might not look appealing. However, in
God’s sight – and it’s His opinion that defines us – we are beloved. A pastor
told a story about going on a walk with his two-year-old on a mountain. A thunderstorm
erupted, and the pastor clutched his terrified son, as he run back to the car.
Years later, the son confessed to his father that the terror of that day
remained with him. The pastor’s reaction was different: “As I clutched you to
my breast, I remember feeling so endeared to you. It was a very special time
for me.”
I am now convinced that this feeling is what characterizes Christ’s feelings for His own children:
I am now convinced that this feeling is what characterizes Christ’s feelings for His own children:
·
The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves
the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the LORD
delivers him out of them all. (Psalm 34:18–19)
Although we might not perceive this, what the Savior perceives
is far more important. What does He see in us? According to Jesus, we are the
light of the world:
·
“You are the light of the world. A city set on a
hill cannot be hidden. Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket,
but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house. In the same way, let
your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give
glory to your Father who is in heaven.” (Matthew 5:14–16)
We are God’s light, His representatives in a world of
darkness (John 3:19-20). We have
even become the Righteousness of God (2 Corinthians 5:21). If we fail to
embrace our God-given identity, we will fail to live a robust life for our
Savior in the face of intense opposition.
How did Jesus see His ragged disciples? He practiced tough
love. He did not indulge their desires to have their ego stroked. He never once
complemented them. Instead, we only see Jesus’ true regards for them in His
prayer to His Father:
·
“I have manifested your name to the people whom
you gave me out of the world. Yours they were, and you gave them to me, and
they have kept your word. Now they know that everything that you have given me
is from you. For I have given them the words that you gave me, and they have
received them and have come to know in truth that I came from you; and they
have believed that you sent me.” (John 17:6–8)
The way Jesus saw His disciples is surprising. Although He
regularly criticized them, He was also thrilled with them.
Without this new identity as beloved and highly esteemed by
God, I had been forced to continue to deceive myself with a distorted
self-esteem. Consequently, I denied my faults and accentuated my strengths. I
was a walking lie, and this caused havoc to my fleeting relationships and any profitable
adjustment to this world. I had to learn that my identity had become a
Christ-identity:
·
I have been crucified with Christ. It is no
longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the
flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. (Galatians
2:20)
Consequently, it is no longer about me but the One who died
for this unworthy child. I now train my eyes on my Savior, who is my identity
and has enabled me to live confidently and boldly.
There is so much more I must write about the love of God in
Christ, but this will have to await the next chapter.
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