Where Friendship Blooms

 

In “Made for Friendship,” Drew Hunter reintroduces us to the often-overlooked importance of friendship:

• Gregory of Nazianzus and Basil the Great were early church fathers and well-known theologians. But they were also best friends. Their friendship endured through distance and even significant relational challenges. Gregory once wrote to Basil, “The greatest benefit which life has brought me is your friendship.” He also wrote, “If anyone were to ask me, ‘What is the best thing in life?’ I would answer, ‘Friends.’” We know the Reformation-launching Martin Luther, but his friends also knew him for his “table talk”—his lively doctrinal discussions around the dinner table.

The Apostle Paul also appreciated the joys of friendship. I would imagine that his attachments had enriched and even enabled his ministry:

• Indeed [Epaphroditus] was ill, near to death. But God had mercy on him, and not only on him but on me also, lest I should have sorrow upon sorrow. I am the more eager to send him, therefore, that you may rejoice at seeing him again, and that I may be less anxious. (Philippians 2:27-28)

We feel uncomfortable about such expressions of friendship lest it might be perceived as a homosexual advance or attachment. However, Hunter points out that many giants of the faith had no such problem with this:

• We might think of John Calvin pondering great thoughts at a lonely desk, but “a close study of Calvin’s career reveals that friendships were the joy of his life.” Addressing two of his closest friends, he wrote, “I think that there has never been, in ordinary life, a circle of friends so sincerely bound to each other as we have been in our ministry.”

However, today there seems to be an obvious lack of such intimate and sustaining friendships. Numerous surveys have noted the growth of loneliness and its dire costs. According to a recent survey, most people do not have an intimate confidant. Why? A consensus emerged that it was largely about shame. People are ashamed to open up and to be exposed, but why would this now become epidemic?

Earlier studies have indicated that this kind of alienation has never been so prevalent. It seems that it is harder to now accept ourselves, and therefore to allow others in. Instead, we are now more likely to wear an impenetrable façade, which we only expose to the friend-substitute - our psychotherapist. We cannot bear the thought of others seeing us the way we really are.

What has changed? Don’t we now live in a society that is more accepting of weaknesses and differences? Well, I have a theory about this. I think that we now have a greater difficulty in accepting ourselves because we have abandoned the love and acceptance of God. Without Him, we are now left to fend for ourselves. We are therefore burdened with the task of loving and believing in ourselves. However, this generally means that we have to lie to ourselves – to deny the dark side and to inflate the good.

We are in hiding, even from ourselves. We resolve our disagreements by always concluding that the other guy is wrong. Instead, of receiving the all-defining affirmations that come from the love of God, we are in desperate need of the affirmations that come from others and from our “successes.” We also become social justice warriors to fill the emptiness.

If we are so needful of these affirmations, how then can we allow our brokenness and shame to be seen!

As a result, the fertile seedbed of friendship has been cemented shut, and transparency has become an endangered species. If we cannot be real with ourselves, how can we be real with others! Our defensive masks remain in place, and it is difficult to relate meaningfully and comfortably to a mask.

To fill the emptiness, we join meetup groups, but our mask remains unmovable. We also become workaholics and seek out non-threatening distractions.

Pastors are particularly vulnerable to loneliness. Their congregation regards them as almost god-like, and they feel the burden to keep up that image.

We can no longer be vulnerable and broken. However, once we believe that our brokenness is beautiful in the eyes of our Savior, our brokenness can begin to be beautiful even to us:

• The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. (Psalm 34:18-19)

There is also a subsidiary benefit. Once we can accept our own brokenness, we can also begin to accept the suffering of others.

HOW CAN WE DISCERN WHICH MUSLIMS WILL RESPECT US AS FELLOW HUMAN BEINGS?

This is a critical issue. Many Westerners claim that they have good Muslim friends. They therefore reason that Muslims are just as respectful as other people. But is “friendship” a reliable test? Perhaps not! There are numerous Koranic verses claiming that Muslims cannot be friends with the non-Muslim:

•                  [Surah 3:27] “Let not the believers take the disbelievers for friends rather than believers. And whoever does this has no connection with Allah unless it is done [deceptively] to guard yourselves against them, guarding carefully.

•                  [5:54] O ye who believe, take not the Jews and the Christians for your friends and protectors. They are but friends and protectors to each other.

•                  [60:1] “O you who believe! Take not My enemies and your enemies (i.e. disbelievers and polytheists) as friends, showing affection towards them, while they have disbelieved in what has come to you of the truth”

•                  [60:4] “Indeed there has been an excellent example for you in Ibraaheem (Abraham) and those with him, when they said to their people: ‘Verily, we are free from you and whatever you worship besides Allaah, we have rejected you, and there has started between us and you, hostility and hatred for ever until you believe in Allaah Alone’”

How do Muslims understand these verses? One commentator writes (www.koranqa.com; fatwa 59879):

•                  “Undoubtedly the Muslim is obliged to hate the enemies of Allaah and to disavow them, because this is the way of the Messengers and their followers.

•                  “Based on this, it is not permissible for a Muslim to feel any love in his heart towards the enemies of Allaah who are in fact his enemies too. Allaah says”:

•                  “But if a Muslim treats them with kindness and gentleness in the hope that they will become Muslim and will believe, there is nothing wrong with that, because it comes under the heading of opening their hearts to Islam. But if he despairs of them becoming Muslim, then he should treat them accordingly.”

How then can we tell which Muslims will not hurt us or approve of those who do hurt us? It is clearly difficult to tell!

Sweden and the Costs of Self-Promotion

When trying to prove that atheism is fruitful, atheists appeal to the “atheistic” country of Sweden for support. (Obviously, they can’t invoke the militant atheistic communist nations!) That’s why I was delighted to meet an engaging Swedish woman at a hostel in Krakow, Poland, who I assaulted with a series of questions.

She quickly dismissed that assertion that Sweden was atheistic, affirming that most Swedes believe in God even though they aren’t church-goers. Nevertheless, she acknowledged that the Christian faith was continuing to shrink away from the Swedish public arena. Even though not a Christian, she acknowledged that the public disappearance of the faith was associated with the growth of social ills:

• The youth have been taught to think that they are #1 and that they can do all things. Consequently, they can’t deal with setbacks.

She explained that their unrealistically high expectations have not prepared them for failure. Besides, failure undermines the very foundation of their self-concept and therefore, it is too painful to endure. It boldly tells them that they are not superior.

This made me think that Sweden was not very much different from the rest of the West, although it might have played a pioneering role. But why do we find this tendency so prevalent in the West?

It seems that when a culture minimizes God, a vacuum is created – a vacuum that needs to be filled. If the West can no longer rely on God, what then can it rely on if not the self! If God is no longer the answer to our hopes, then we are forced to pick up the reigns. Our dreams and hopes must now be fulfilled by us.

While this “captain of my ship” orientation is greatly esteemed, the costs are seldom considered. Yes, there are costs! My Swedish friend noted a few of them – alienation, loneliness, and the breakdown of community.

However, at first glance, there seems to be no causal link between these social ills and believing in oneself. It would seem that self-trust and self-esteem might even provide some extra confidence in navigating the threatening waters of social interaction, but this might not be the case. A study performed in the U.S. about 18 years ago found that only 10% admitted that they lacked a friend to whom they could share their innermost concerns. When the survey was repeated 15 years later, that percentage had climbed to 25%, despite higher reported levels of self-esteem.

What can account for such a troubling upturn? Self-esteem costs! When we attempt to fill the God-vacuum, we have to deny and suppress disturbing truths about ourselves. These truths clearly tell us we are not gods and can’t trust in ourselves. Instead, we fight an ongoing battle against our perceptions in order to believe the unbelievable about ourselves. It becomes too painful to acknowledge that we have weaknesses and failings that we have not been able to overcome. Consequently, we suppress the painful and accentuate those things that bring us psychological comfort.

This is not guesswork. Many surveys have demonstrated that the mentally “healthy” live lives of self-delusion. For instance, in one study, the subjects were asked to rate themselves according to numerous characteristics. Then others who knew the subject well rated him. The subject’s rating was almost always higher than those who knew him best.

How would a heightened self-image affect relationships and alienation? Here are several thoughts:

1. If we are in a constant battle to define our artificially high self-image, we might feel threatened by how others would regard us and isolate ourselves. Defensiveness interferes with relationship formation.

2. It is hard to relate to someone who doesn’t share the same reality, namely, our self-image. This would produce dissonance and consequently, social isolation. Just think of the problems trying to relate to someone who thinks that they are the next Einstein.

3. When someone is engaged in trying to heighten their self-esteem, we will either feel coerced into helping them or we will also feel the need to prove ourselves in face of such arrogance.

4. If we feel superior to others, we will not value them sufficiently.

5. In contrast, humility is self-accepting and non-coercive. It esteems the other. It also allows our associate to lay down his guard and to be himself.

It is hard to play God. It also seems to be costly. We are not equipped to play God but rather to be the beneficiary of His mercy. Therefore, Jesus warned:

• “For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.” (Luke 18:14)

Consequently, to reject God is to reject ourselves and the hope of real attachments and community.

Nazi-Phobia and Islamophobia

 

Here is my response to a “progressive Christian” who accused me of Islamophobia:

I do appreciate your attempt to explain your behavior towards me. You stated:

“Anytime Christianity is used to condone Islamophobia, Anti-semitism, Homophobia, Racism, or any other prejudice, it does great damage to the Christian religion. That's why it has to always be confronted.”

I too care about how Christianity is perceived, and it profoundly grieves me that my adopted faith – I come from a Jewish/Zionist background – is so denigrated throughout most of the world. I mourn daily because of this.

As a Jew, I used to fantasize about what I would do, had lived in Nazi Germany? Sometimes, I would envision myself making payments to the Nazis to free Jews from the “death camps.” At other times, in my young adult imagination, I saw myself picking up arms to liberate my brethren.

Today, as I survey the Communist and Islamic worlds, I am confronted with the appalling sight of tens of thousands of Christians exterminated, kidnapped, raped and subjected to forced conversion or blasphemy charges, in accordance with the literal teachings of Islam:

• Qur’an 9:29 - Fight against Christians and Jews ”until they pay the tribute readily, being brought low.” (9:7-9; 9:12-14; 9:5; 2:191-2; 4:91)

• Qur’an (5:51) - ”O you who believe! do not take the Jews and the Christians for friends; they are friends of each other; and whoever amongst you takes them for a friend, then surely he is one of them; surely Allah does not guide the unjust people.”

• Qur’an (2:65-66) - Christians and Jews must believe what Allah has revealed to Muhammad or Allah will disfigure their faces or turn them into apes, as he did the Sabbath-breakers. (9:30; 5:72; 5:53; 5:63; 5:59)

• Qur’an (5:80) – “You will see many of them befriending those who disbelieve; certainly evil is that which their souls have sent before for them, that Allah became displeased with them and in chastisement shall they abide.” Those Muslims who befriend unbelievers will abide in hell.

Had I been in Nazi Germany, I would not have been able to keep silent. I would like think that as I saw Hitler’s rise to power that I would have exposed his evil agenda before it was too late.

Exposing the Koranic agenda is no different. While there are many lovely Muslims, once they become trained in the writings of the Koran and Hadiths, they become radicalized. Meanwhile, I pray that Muslims might learn to interpret their writings in ways that accord with love, justice and peace. However, this requires that the literalistic interpretation be revised, and I think that our role is should be one of confrontation and not denial. This is why I post and re-post articles demonstrating the atrocities of Islam, when taken at face-value.

Wisdom requires us make critical distinctions among the various worldviews. We might disagree with many of them, but we can still live with them. With others, we cannot. Some are not amenable to justice for all and equality, but advocate violence to achieve their ends. Denial of this fact can only prove costly. While we desire, “Peace in our Time,” a false peace is worse than no peace at all.