My Dear Wormbottom,
I simply cannot resist telling you about our stunning recent victories. Are you ready to read a few paragraphs that are guaranteed to put a huge smile on your face?
After the historic passage of New York State’s same-sex marriage bill, just listen to what Republican State Senator Jim Alesi declared: “I went to Mass Sunday in my church and I was so warmly received. It doesn’t matter what religion you are, but I know in my religion, when I went up to receive Communion, my priest embraced me.” Now, I don’t know about you, but I count it a stupendous success when our well-oiled propaganda machine can win over even the priests—the very ones who until quite recently we counted as some of our toughest adversaries!
But it doesn’t stop there, not by a long shot. I’m sure you will be positively delighted to hear that our ever-more powerful forces have just succeeded in closing down all the Catholic adoption agencies in Illinois. Let me guess—right about now you are wondering how in the world we were able to pull off this veritable cultural coup. Oh, it’s so simple, my friend…those agencies are now officially closed down in the whole state because they had the nerve to refuse to allow their children to be adopted by us. What a wake-up call, eh? Undoubtedly, this will teach them that it is absolutely futile to resist us.
Ready for more good news, friend? This little tidbit is even better than the last, if that is actually possible. For, you see, Cisco Systems—that high-flying, high tech darling of Wall Street—just summarily fired their leadership and teambuilding program co-ordinator, Dr. Frank Turek And just why, you might ask, did Cisco terminate Dr. Turek’s employment? Well, for no other reason than that he had the audacity to write a book that was against gay marriage. His firing had absolutely nothing to do with his work-related performance—what he did or said on the job. And that’s the utter beauty of it, you see. With what has happened in this case and in the cases that are sure to follow, the opposition is going to be terrified about saying even the most innocuous things against us, on and off the job.
I know this is absolutely wonderful news, but please don’t overlook the irony that is also beautifully at work here...we have now arrived at the dawn of a new era when our side can say WHATEVER we want against the Bible and its god-awful church, but they can say absolutely NOTHING against us!
Are these not wonderful days to be alive? Now, please read on to find out what else makes this victory so juicy.
According to Turek, “My job performance was deemed excellent, and I was ‘inclusive and diverse’ by working in a respectful manner with people of all moral, religious and political views.” My dear Wormbottom, are you comprehending the magnitude of how good this is for us? For you see, Turek’s dismissal communicates a most potent message. It no longer matters how well-established or cooperative or even competent an employee might be. If we discover that he has views against same-sex marriage—SSM—he goes bottom-up! No pun intended.
Do you comprehend what this means? I hope, my good man, that you are following this to its logical conclusion. We have now officially arrived at the point where every Christian’s job is at jeopardy if they don’t smile and assure us to the best of their ability that they fully endorse SSM and the gay lifestyle. To weed out the riff-raff, we now have carte blanche to target them and “innocently” ask what they think about SSM. If they don’t give us the answers we are looking for, they’re history, gone, out of there--fired! Now it is they who will shake in fear as we strut down the corridors. And, if you need any icing on this “cake,” I fully believe that these decisions and the atmosphere they create will also undermine the Christian faith. Yes, sir, I believe that when Christians find out that they can’t be open and forthcoming about what they believe, they will have to change their ideas to fit our way of thinking. I predict that many of them will lose their faith rather than lose their jobs.
I could not be more excited about these changes. I just love what Cisco’s chief “inclusion and diversity” officer told Turek:
• “We’re very sensitive about protecting our culture of acceptance of everyone; we don’t want anyone to ever feel excluded and that means all opinions.”
Of course that cry-baby Turek had the audacity to complain: “Why didn’t Cisco’s relentless emphasis and training on ‘inclusion and diversity’ serve to prevent [my firing]?” But that kind of reasoning is gone forever now—it’s nonsense, that’s what it is. The only difference is that now it will be Turek and his idiot Christians who will feel excluded! I just love it! Who cares whether this represents a double standard? The media are so completely in our pocket that they won’t raise even a whisper to protest our hypocrisy. And, just as a delicious aside, can you imagine the look on Turek’s face when he was fired?
But it doesn’t stop there, not at all. In fact, are you ready for some international good news? Try this on for size…Canada’s New Democrat Party unanimously passed a resolution to call on the government to revoke the charitable status of “ex-gay” groups—those Christian organizations that advise homosexuals that there is hope that they might change and be able to leave the gay lifestyle. If this resolution is adopted, it will mean that our brethren to the north will be able to discriminate against the opposition and hurt them, once again, where it hurts the most—in the purse! Before too long, these groups will be losing their tax-exempt status. And, what’s more, the way public opinion is shifting, it will not even seem like discrimination. After all, who in their right mind actually believes—except the most fundamentalist and ignorant people—that it is really possible for someone who is gay to return to the “straight” life? Because of our overwhelming success in getting the media to carry our propaganda far and wide, it is now the established conventional wisdom of the day that sexual orientation CANNOT BE CHANGED. We have even gone so far as to characterize the people who work in those supposed “ministries” as perpetrators of violent crimes against us. And the public is buying it, my friend— hook, line and sinker!
Before we travel to New Zealand for more good news, let me share just one more story from Canada. When it comes to commanding the ear of the press, you will be so gratified to learn that we have no trouble getting allies to come on board in support of our noble agenda. For example, our man Randall Garrison, the NDP’s “queer issues” critic, told Xtra that Christian groups like Exodus focus on the most vulnerable members of the homosexual community and “…bully them into believing that gay, lesbian and bisexual people are sick and lead sad and lonely lives, and that the only hope is to become straight.” Of course Exodus isn’t doing anything of the kind but, once again, the public is buying what our media machine is manufacturing! It doesn’t seem to matter to anyone that we haven’t been able to produce a single instance of a Christian bullying or even attacking a gay. However, in trying to understand this strange phenomenon, we must always remember that, in the day and age in which we live, perception is absolutely everything. Please forgive me if do a bit of bragging here, my good man but—we have become the ultimate masters of perception. And we are now pulling all the right strings!
I just knew the Canadians would come through and help us as we continue in our enlightened struggle to tighten the noose around the neck of all dissent!
Now, let us continue to highlight our world-wide triumphs, this time in New Zealand. Using strategies which I have already outlined, the government of New Zealand has revoked Exodus Global Alliance’s charitable status. I love it! Isn’t it delicious? We can discriminate against them, but THEY CAN’T TOUCH US! All we need to do is continue to perpetuate the perception that we are the hapless, innocent victims of a cruel and hopelessly outdated legal system. So far, my friend, this strategy is working like a charm!
Oh—talk about late-breaking news…let me share something that I just pulled from the web that spotlights the indisputable fact that these really are glorious days for us!
• A bill requiring public schools to teach the “historical contributions” of homosexual Americans was approved by the California legislature on Tuesday, July 5. This bill prohibits any school material or instruction that reflects adversely on homosexuality, bisexuality or transgenderism. In addition, it prohibits parents from removing children from classes over offensive material.
Now we can wrestle those little minds away from their bigoted parents. Hurrah for the State! It’s through the State that we will now be able to invade that sanctuary of all bigotry, the family. And what makes it even better? They cannot protest; they can’t speak against us. When they bring their petty complaints to school board meetings, we can shout them down with charges of “homophobia” and “hate-mongering.” I hope you appreciate how successful this strategy has become. We can scream all we want about Christians or Republicans with absolute impunity, while they can’t even breathe a whisper against us.
Now, to bring this little diatribe to an appropriate close, how about another cherry on top of the delectable “sundae” that you’ve just been served? For your sublime enjoyment, here it is…In the midst of all these monumental changes that are convulsing society as we know it, no one—at least no one of any real substance or importance, that is—has had the audacity to raise the question of why we should be the only protected class of people. For, when you think about it, isn’t that exactly what we have become? Who knows—perhaps this more than anything else we’ve accomplished is our most important victory.
Ah, all this success is going to my head. I’m almost swooning with the delight of it all. Our lifestyle is now almost untouchable. You could try, but I don’t think there’s any way you could wipe that smile off your face!
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