Driving Two More Christian B&Bs out of Business: A Satire

My Dear Wormbottom,

We got those homophobes on the run again! Let me just quote you a snippet about our latest activity:

• The Illinois Department of Human Rights has given a homosexual couple the green light to sue two bed and breakfasts after the establishments refused to let out their premises for their civil union ceremony…The IDHR investigation was launched after homosexual Todd Wathen of Mattoon filed human rights complaints against the two bed and breakfasts.

Of course, Wathen and his partner could have found any number of facilities to host their celebration – ultimately, they had it in their backyard – but their civil union provides us with a delightful opportunity to put these Christian homophobes out of business and to strike fear into the hearts of all the bigots.

And it worked so smoothly! We merely emailed one B&B and told them that we wanted to have our civil union celebration on their premises. Would you believe that the idiot responded back, “We believe homosexuality is wrong and unnatural based on what the Bible says about it?”

He cooked himself! This was just the response we were looking for! It won’t be hard to prove discrimination now. The arrogance of that Christian! He might proudly stand on his bigoted beliefs now, but after he sustains a few fines and threats of jail, he’ll decide that perhaps he had been a bit hasty in his judgment. And this is exactly what we are looking for – to shut all of those hateful mouths that dare to utter that “homosexuality is wrong and unnatural!“ To hell with free speech, I say!

Now we even have the courts in our back pocket. It’s just mind-boggling – the extent of our victories, while the big blob called “Christianity” sits emasculated at the sidelines. Before, our tactics had consisted of groveling to elicit sympathy. Even though many of the brethren cringed at the pathetic way we characterized ourselves – we pressed the idea that gays are born that way and had suffered extreme abuse at the hands of a narrow-minded, hateful, and bigoted society – they now appreciate our wisdom. We then followed with the charges that our civil rights had been violated, and the media and the universities bought our entire package, without once questioning whether polygamists and pedophiles might also have had their rights abridged!

Of course, we shamed and intimidated our more stubborn opponents with charges of “hate speech,” “bigotry” and “homophobia.” Yes, we humiliated them, and it worked. However, this wasn’t accomplished without the full cooperation of the media in their persistent portrayals of Christians as complete jerks. In fact, it’s worked so well that the younger Christians have distanced themselves from the church. Of course, we’ve also encouraged them to think that they are different – that they are the sensitive, caring, in-touch and open-minded Christians by taking up our cause. We have them convinced that they embody the spirit of authentic Christianity. Needless to say, we are very careful to give them no indication that they might be betraying their faith.

However, I have to confide in you that I’m deeply troubled that our pedophile brethren are now using our very argumentation and tactics for their own cause. Although I wouldn’t dismiss the truth of their claims, they are now also protesting that they were born pedophiles and that their civil rights are also being trampled down. I told them to lay low until our victories are fully secured. But against our advice, they are now even claiming that they are performing a great service for children by initiating them into sexuality!

The fact that nobody is buying their claims constitutes a great problem for all of us. If the public sees that their claims are spurious, they might wake up to the fact that our claims are equally spurious. I’m sure you can see the great danger in this. I’ve repeatedly tried to preach patience to them. (Did I actually use that accursed “preach” word?) I reiterated the fact that we’re all working in the same direction to eliminate all sexual restrictions and taboos, but as you know, they are jealous of our victories and all juiced-up to go. (Oh, don’t you just love the nudity demonstrations we’ve organized in a number of major cities! We want to make nudity and sexuality as normal as eating a burger.) I just hope they don’t blow it for everyone.

Well, enough of this negative talk. We really have so much to be grateful about. For instance, the lawyer of one of those B&Bs complained,

• “I believe strongly that liberty of conscience, particularly religious liberty of conscience, is what our nation was built on and is something that goes deep to our souls,” he said. “Now we’re getting into a situation where government is telling people of faith, ‘You can’t live out your faith if it happens to disagree with this particular group.’”

This idiot is 50 years behind the times. No one who really matters gives a ___ about his “religious liberty of conscience” and even less about the principles “our nation was built on“ – only politicians who are trying to get re-elected. It’s no longer about abstract principles but pleasure, power and propaganda. People want to feel it! They feel for themselves, and so they feel for us. They don’t want the bigots interfering with their pleasures, so they’re willing to protect our pleasures. It’s that simple!

We’ll see how far their calls for religious liberty and 1st Amendment rights takes them. If the polls are any indication of where we’re going, we will soon convince even the bigots that they are hypocrites for judging us. Then we can delight in watching them slink off in shame, like a slug leaving its trail of slime. Don’t you just love that analogy?