Does understanding our past relieve us of its influence? A
male complained that he had been consistently abused by friends and
acquaintances. He didn’t feel that he had the right to assert himself against
their abuse. However, through psychotherapy, he saw that this had been the way
he had been treated by his caregivers. He then “understood” that not speaking
up for his welfare and setting boundaries were behaviors and a self-concept he
had inherited and that they no longer had to dictate his life. He therefore
began to set needful boundaries with his friends and acquaintances.
We do not like seeing anyone abused, so we regard this as a
“success story,” but is it? There are two problems here. For one thing, our
memories can be either distorted or highly selective. Therefore, this male
might not be seeing and connecting the right dots in his analysis of his past
and how it impacts his present.
However, we might think, “Well, it doesn’t matter. What
matters is that he is now finding relief from his feelings of unworthiness and
is now setting necessary boundaries.” Perhaps, then, his past was irrelevant to
his setting legitimate boundaries.
This is probably true, but he is left with a problem that
will eventually resurface. Even if he has correctly assessed that his failure
to set boundaries was a product of his past, it still fails to give him the
rationale he needs to resist victimization, the understanding that he is a
person of supreme worth!
Let me try to illustrate this point. If we realize that our
past “nurturing” inculcated us with the idea that we should tolerate abuse, all
this realization tells us is that we need not be led by our past. However, it
fails to tell us what we should be led by or to give us an objective
standard by which we can be assured of our worth. It does not tell us why
we shouldn’t tolerate abuse.
It is like the girl who was taught that it is wrong to abuse
others. While this might help her to understand her disdain for abuse, it does
not answer the question, “Is it wrong to abuse?” It would therefore be absurd
for her to begin to abuse others, because she now understands that her disdain
for abuse had come from her parents.
It is not enough for us to merely connect the dots and to
understand our present inclinations from the perspective of the past. Instead,
it is more important to have an objective standard for right thinking – to know
that abuse is absolutely wrong.
When I first began going to church, I felt strongly that
everyone who came to shake my hand was a hypocrite. However, I found that it is
more important to live by the guidance of the objective truths of Scripture and
love others than it was to understand why I felt this way. When I began to
treat others with love, miraculously my opinions of them changed.
Likewise, it was not enough for me to know that my feelings
of self-loathing came from the way I had been raised. Instead, I needed to know
that I was lovable and had value, irrespective of my feelings. This was
something that I was unable to obtain through psychotherapy. Nor did it seem to
matter how many times the psychotherapist would assure me that I am a “good
person.” My deeply ingrained feelings of self-loathing would just laugh at
these reassurances.
What could assure me that I had value? The psychotherapist’s
words were only his opinions and were unable to penetrate to the depths where
my feelings were preaching their life-destroying messages.
It was only Jesus who was able to break through my deadly
waves of self-loathing. I became assured that if He loved me so much that He
had died for me, while I was His enemy, He would love me all the more once I
became His friend (Romans 5:8-10).
This awareness did not come overnight. Since I had not known
love as a child, it was hard for me to believe/feel that God now loved me. I
had hated myself and therefore projected that everyone else, including God,
hated me. And I felt sure of this. I was also sure that I had to
produce a steady stream of successes to be worthy of anyone’s love. This, of
course, caused me to envy and even hate those who had more success.
However, Scripture began to rewrite my script. I began to experience
the “love of God that passes all understanding” (Ephesians 3:19) and the
assurance that He would never leave me (Romans 8:38-39). Even through
suffering, the words of my Savior became more real to me:
·
“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden,
and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am
gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke
is easy, and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30)
Jesus does give us a “yoke” and a “burden,” but these can
become the instruments of freedom from many of the things that oppress us.
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